This morning after a couple of months of wondering, Whats going on? Why have things changed?
I wanted to know.
I needed to know.
I felt the right to know.
I felt unwanted and unloved.
Maybe it was nothing to do with me, but whatever was happening it was impacting me.
After unsuccessful attempts to see Him to talk to Him. I asked:
'Do you want to keep seeing me?'
then a change,
'No.. actually I think a break may be a good idea.'
after 6 years of my implicit trust... nothing more than cool indifference.
He has been my secret for all this time. I write it here then for an anonymous world. For no-one and everyone to see. Heart on fucking sleeve! I write it for me.
I feel deeply hurt.
There have been two men in my life. Two men I have loved and both I have trusted.
One of these men took me to depths of trust. He slowly built that trust until He had it more deeply than I thought anyone could trust another human. He could do anything He wanted to me and with me and I trusted Him implicitly. He had my life and well-being in His bare massive, strong hand. I never thought I'd be hurt by Him.
So what do I do when the love affair is finished? What happens when Sir isn't Sir anymore? What happens when the ring comes off? What happens when you can't get off the couch? Just confusion! What just happened?