Thursday, March 12, 2015

waivering submission - examining me - curious March

And that last question I have been asked in curious March from His slut

At one point in the last year a part implied you were ready to throw in the towel on your submission. Do you think it is that easy to give up once you've experienced it and discovered all that you have learned about yourself? 

Thanks for your question Hs. I have recurring and constant doubt about my submission, more particularly about the authenticity of my submission. I don't get tattoos because I am a changeable girl though there are a few constants in my life. So far I haven't booted my hub out and I still keep my teenage child around just to torture myself  it seems (maybe I am more a masochist than I like to admit!), but there are times when I believe that this submission thing might be a phase I am going through. I think that for me it's difficult to sustain the expression of my submission as I don't live with my Dom in a 24/7 dynamic. In addition to that I don't feel I belong solely to my Sir. I have a husband and I find it increasingly difficult to be available to Sir at His bidding both emotionally and physically. Sir is not demanding in that sense and respects the difficulties I face in trying to be available to Him, however, at times I do find it an unrelenting but internal pressure that runs me down. This is entirely a pressure I put myself under. I want to be available to Sir, at His bidding but as it stands at the moment I cannot. I find therefore that the expression of my submission is incomplete, snatched in glimpses of alone time sometimes like I would imagine the in-authenticity of the love affair relegated to the office cleaning closet. 

Your point about not being able to give up once having tasted the honey is very true. I guess it's not my submission that is the problem, but the opportunity to express it and then sometimes this girl just needs alone time. When she is trying to split herself between near full time work, family and Sir, when she is trying to 'have it all', she just gets a little worn out and frazzled. It's at these times mostly that the girl doubts her submission, or at least her commitment to submission.


Victoria Baraga

8 comments:

  1. Wow little, i so very much feel for you. I don't know how I'd react if i wasn't able to live with my Mistress. hang in there and don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Please, I'd miss you.

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    1. thank you SHiP, it is a situation I'm used to but part of me wishes it was different. I doubt that I'm going anywhere too soon. you are very kind.
      x

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  2. If i may say little, dont ever think your submission is less than valid just because your not living it 24/7. Yes it is different when one is, for obvious reasons, but it doesnt make it any more real.

    I once thought all these desires i had was perhaps a phase, i figured exploring it would put it to the test, once you tread these waters though, i think in most cases there is no going back...so think of the future, and what you need to make you happy.

    x

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    1. Thanks tori, I had not considered the issue of validity of my submission but i think that perhaps you are right, maybe this is what I am feeling deep in my bones..a lack of the valid in the expression of my submission because sometimes it does feel like a game.

      x L

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  3. This 'Curious March' is certainly prompting you to reflect. I am keeping quiet (Old fashioned gentleman don't ask ladies awkward questions :)) but I am loving reading your reflective and searching answers. Thank you xxx

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    1. Now Clive, drop the gentleman and ask whats on your mind...it sounds like fun, especially coming from a pinks man who I know to have once dabbled in Dom-dom.
      x L

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  4. Just have to say, I have been lurking for a little while now and enjoying your writing, but this post really resonated with me. I feel that pull you are describing and totally understood what you were talking about. I have to say, as I'm navigating my way through my own submission with my own set of players, you have really put to words, eloquent words at that, what i often find myself thinking. Thanks for sharing with us.

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    1. Welcome cath and thank for the comment. Its a hard road when decisions and commitments made in an earlier life didn't consider the person you might become or perhaps already were albeit with those elements hidden of denied.
      I hope to see you back.
      L

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