Tuesday, March 3, 2015

curious March - growing on the journey

tori asked

 1) How do you feel you have grown in yourself since starting your journey, the highs and the lows?

This is a big question, thank you for asking it tori. 
When I think about where I started...
I just read the post from tori's best buddy invited to post on tori's blog. That was me. Younger, independent, fighting the sisters fight.  My journey has seen me accept feminism in a non-traditionally feminist way. I moved away from the fight against men for the sake of exercising muscle against men and moved into an acceptance of girl and boy and the fundamental desires in each. I opened myself to male sexuality. I embraced its strength and its animal baseness, in fact I reveled in it. I recognise the yin and yang of the male and female energies in a deeply visceral way. I saw they needed each other to thrive. My submission is not so much centered on acquiescing to His power, it is about understanding my womanliness and making it available to His strength, His life force, His will. I see Him love it, care for it, mold it, use it, bend it to breaking and yet always  understanding the bipolarity of the fragility and the strength of it. He has taught me to trust Him and not be afraid of who I am.
There have been so many highs and many lows. The highs have all been at His hand, the lows have not. The highs have come from His Dominance and my submission in sync. The lows have come from external sources which push against my needs.Wrinkle their nose in disgust at my needs. I think I have learned to embrace my kink as normal, though I still keep it secret. This kink, this need I have to be slapped, choked, roughed up, controlled is something that remains deep in the closet. Even Mr Grey and the simpering Anastasia Steele have done little to reframe BDSM as anything more than Mills and Boon with a crop.

Zelko Nedic  The Girl In The Mask (2009)

7 comments:

  1. This is so beautiful yet poignant too. Hiding in the closet is the hardest. I've really enjoyed your journey. I've said before, you were one of the first blogs I commented on. Your situation paralleled mine in so many ways, I needed to ask and learn more. I no longer felt alone.

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    1. Thank you Hs. I think its amazing when you realise that you are not alone, not unusual not strange..that you are just placed on a continuum of sexuality where like minded people are a little harder to find..at least on the street..lol

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  2. Replies
    1. thank you SHiP, i'm glad you enjoyed it.

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  3. This was just so beautifully written, well expressed, one can feel it...if that makes sense lol

    thanks for answering.

    x

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  4. Thank you for sharing this. A few months into our relationship, my partner, Rafe, began slowly introducing me to various aspects of kink. I really struggled with internal conflict early on. I knew I liked the things he did to me. I realized I wanted that dynamic. But I had trouble reconciling with my need to be strong, independent, feminist in everyday life. I still don't know how it works. I still wrestle with that dichotomy at times. But somehow I know those two personas can & do coexist.

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