Thursday, June 19, 2014

giving in or giving up?

Life is a bit gruelling here. My non Dom found out more detail than he should have re Sir and some conversation and plans we were making.

Long gone are the days non-Dom approved of my liaison, my partnership and my submission to Sir.

It has come to a head. I'm worn down and don't feel brave at the moment. There are reasons I stay with non-Dom that will one day change. For now I am with him, in name. I do not dislike him but he is not  partner to me in anyway that he used to be emotionally. Don't assume either that  this is  'normal' situation. There are circumstances beyond both non-Dom's control and mine.

I'm not looking for sympathy here, but to simply write it down, get it out onto the page.

My task at the moment is to reassess. Reassess my life with Sir, my connection with Him. He knows this and so reading this will not come as a shock. I feel like a canary caught in non-Dom's huge web. I am tired of the dance with him, the fight to be myself.

If I give up my grip on the submissive in me I fear I will wither and sink into unhappiness. If I give up Sir I must give up my submission because I don't want another Sir, nor can I imagine kneeling to another Sir. I trust my Sir deeply and my trust in these things has not been easily won.

My problem is that is is so hard to hide everything from non-Dom. He doesn't trust me, but then I don't trust him. I am tired of the subterfuge. I am tired of the energy it takes to live the lie. I am tired of non-Dom's view of me as abnormal, the things I do as abnormal, having two men as abnormal. In who's frigging world! I'm tired of the passive aggressive way he holds me in this relationship. He will not try and understand my needs. He did try once. He tried to be dominant with me once, but he says though he enjoys the activities, his D to my s is not sustainable for him. I understand that and have not pushed him or chided him when he finally made that decision. He has not afforded me the same consideration. He is jealous of another man with me. He is jealous of my time taken from him. He is ego assaulted (my view) less than second best he called it. The trouble is I believe that's all it is. I don't believe those feelings come from a standpoint of love. Whether or not that is an accurate belief is not the point when I believe it.

I am angry that if I give up everything that I am, it is because he wants it. I am held here by obligation currently, but I want to be free to be me. My activities if any,  have to be held to one weekday when he is at work. The rest of the time I scream inside. I burden myself with all that it is to be wife, mother & father & partner because I am carer to my non-Dom. I am tired of the battle. So it is for this reason I am trying to make the decision to give up everything, and Sir. Only for this reason. The pressure of the lie and the passive aggressive life of discontent from living with non-Dom.

I am meeting Sir in a few days. I shouldn't be, but I am. I need to see Him. I need Him to take me in hand and help me. We will talk.

photographer unknown

I  have also come to drink  little too much vodka on a daily basis of late, not something  have traditionally done- something I might have to get under control.


13 comments:

  1. Don't know what to say except : be brave ! be yourself ! love yourself ! live your life !
    Those who love you will support you as you are. For whatever time it takes.
    Love is not a cage. Love is freedom.
    S.

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    1. thank you and welcome. Love should not be a cage, I know.

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  2. I wish I had great words of wisdom. ((Hugs)) Talk to your Sir. Let Him in. Let Him help you.

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  3. I understand the feeling that you cannot be what you want to be.....I am sorry....hugs.

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  4. Really feeling for you right now little

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    1. Trixie, Hs, Needy and Marty..thanks so much. I know the words of wisdom..time is the key to this one.

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  5. little.....

    I'm here for you and we can talk if you'd like. This is not easy, but then nothing worth having is. Both my Dom and I live this life, attempting to balance who we really are & what we have with one another alongside our obligatory relationships in which children are involved. It hurts not being free to be yourself and worse to be judged by someone you love or have built a life with. More testament perhaps to the fact that those who were not born as us with the penchant for D/s will never truly understand.

    I am sorry things are so hard for you now, honey, but keep your chin up and talk to your Sir. Remember you can not be one half of *any* relationship (marriage, D/s, friendship, co-parent) if you are not a *whole* yourself.

    {{Hugs}}

    Imp

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    1. thanks you Irish I, t will all work out in the end. think I am just having to embrace who I a all over again. and I need to be sure of that person I am.
      I have noticed bith Sir and Daddy are hot on the trail of sending me tasks..maybe this is what I need x

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  6. my thoughts are will you little ... the journey ahead isn't easy but at least it seems that things are coming to the surface that needed to ava x

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    1. Thank you ava, you are right about the journey not being easy and I have been takng time to let the dust settle.

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  7. I have to agree with Irish Imp. "you can not be one half of *any* relationship, if you are not a *whole* yourself. "

    May you find inner peace, that will help you find yourself...
    1ManView

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    1. what Irish said may be one of the single most sunsible things I have ever heard. Thank you for your kind thoughts.

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