Long gone are the days non-Dom approved of my liaison, my partnership and my submission to Sir.
It has come to a head. I'm worn down and don't feel brave at the moment. There are reasons I stay with non-Dom that will one day change. For now I am with him, in name. I do not dislike him but he is not partner to me in anyway that he used to be emotionally. Don't assume either that this is 'normal' situation. There are circumstances beyond both non-Dom's control and mine.
I'm not looking for sympathy here, but to simply write it down, get it out onto the page.
My task at the moment is to reassess. Reassess my life with Sir, my connection with Him. He knows this and so reading this will not come as a shock. I feel like a canary caught in non-Dom's huge web. I am tired of the dance with him, the fight to be myself.
If I give up my grip on the submissive in me I fear I will wither and sink into unhappiness. If I give up Sir I must give up my submission because I don't want another Sir, nor can I imagine kneeling to another Sir. I trust my Sir deeply and my trust in these things has not been easily won.
My problem is that is is so hard to hide everything from non-Dom. He doesn't trust me, but then I don't trust him. I am tired of the subterfuge. I am tired of the energy it takes to live the lie. I am tired of non-Dom's view of me as abnormal, the things I do as abnormal, having two men as abnormal. In who's frigging world! I'm tired of the passive aggressive way he holds me in this relationship. He will not try and understand my needs. He did try once. He tried to be dominant with me once, but he says though he enjoys the activities, his D to my s is not sustainable for him. I understand that and have not pushed him or chided him when he finally made that decision. He has not afforded me the same consideration. He is jealous of another man with me. He is jealous of my time taken from him. He is ego assaulted (my view) less than second best he called it. The trouble is I believe that's all it is. I don't believe those feelings come from a standpoint of love. Whether or not that is an accurate belief is not the point when I believe it.
I am angry that if I give up everything that I am, it is because he wants it. I am held here by obligation currently, but I want to be free to be me. My activities if any, have to be held to one weekday when he is at work. The rest of the time I scream inside. I burden myself with all that it is to be wife, mother & father & partner because I am carer to my non-Dom. I am tired of the battle. So it is for this reason I am trying to make the decision to give up everything, and Sir. Only for this reason. The pressure of the lie and the passive aggressive life of discontent from living with non-Dom.
I am meeting Sir in a few days. I shouldn't be, but I am. I need to see Him. I need Him to take me in hand and help me. We will talk.
I have also come to drink little too much vodka on a daily basis of late, not something have traditionally done- something I might have to get under control.