I am worried,
I think it's more an impact of life as I know it at the moment.
Time escapes me, slips through my fingers.
I find myself afraid at the moment.
Afraid of a lot of things.
The 'what if's' in my life.
There's a few 'what if's' at the moment.
I am not living the life I would like to be living but that's just how it is. Acceptance is the key. Things can't change unless I want to cause grief to a whole lot of people and certainly to those nearest to me.
Gosh heart on sleeve time.
Sir has given me space, time. I am seeing him tomorrow. A reminder as he wields the whip of where I am in his world and where I am in my world.
The guilty secret? I don't like Him knowing this side of me. No one has ever known this side of me. The unsure, wimpy, sooky la la side of me. The sorry for myself side of me.
I don't like Him to know....why?
Because He is my Sir. He is not my life partner. That role falls to someone else. That someone else does not however take any responsibility for me, so I take it for myself as I always have.
Sir wants me to ask. He wants to help. Just to help me with everyday stuff. He can't, well I won't let Him. I keep a barrier between us. Between D/s and my other life. I am fearful I will take advantage of Him. I could so very easily. I could easily let Him into my other life. I could take advantage of a man who will do almost anything for me. I can't take that advantage because that is not His role in my life.
This is one of the most confusing head spaces I have ever experienced. I have always been sure of what is right and wrong. Now, this world I find myself moving through has many more shades of grey than just fifty.
I am aching for tomorrow, for kneeling, for bending.