Sunday, June 1, 2014

confused and sooky sub girl

It's slipping away ...
my sub-self.
I am worried,

I think it's more an impact of life as I know it at the moment.
Time escapes me, slips through my fingers.

I find myself afraid at the moment.
Afraid of a lot of things.
The 'what if's' in my life.
There's a few 'what if's' at the moment.

I am not living the life I would like to be living but that's just how it is. Acceptance is the key. Things can't change unless I want to cause grief to a whole lot of people and certainly to those nearest to me.

Gosh heart on sleeve time.

Sir has given me space, time. I am seeing him tomorrow. A reminder as he wields the whip of where I am in his world and where I am in my world.

The guilty secret? I don't like Him knowing this side of me. No one has ever known this side of me. The unsure, wimpy, sooky la la side of me. The sorry for myself side of me.

I don't like Him to know....why?

Because He is my Sir. He is not my life partner. That role falls to someone else. That someone else does not however take any responsibility for me, so I take it for myself as I always have.

Sir wants me to ask. He wants to help. Just to help me with everyday stuff.  He can't, well I won't let Him. I keep a barrier between us. Between D/s and my other life. I am fearful I will take advantage of Him. I could so very easily. I could easily let Him into my other life. I could take advantage of a man who will do almost anything for me. I can't take that advantage because that is not His role in my life.
This is one of the most confusing head spaces I have ever experienced. I have always been sure of what is right and wrong. Now, this world I find myself moving through has many more shades of grey than just fifty.

I am aching for tomorrow, for kneeling, for bending.

photographer unknown


  1. Sometimes the sorry, vulnerable side of us can be just as sweet and lovely as the exterior we most often choose to share with the world ava x

    1. I will think on this..thank you for your comment
      L xx

  2. Hang in there little, let Him help you to find yourself again, let Him into your world. Thinking of you xx

  3. lil, i can relate in so many ways. One day, i finally had to let Him in. He has always been there, but never stepping over the boundary. Just watching me whither away. It got to the point that i just couldn't do it anymore. He always said He'd listen. So, i turned to Him to listen. i needed to just get out how i was feeling, to someone who would listen and not give me opinions, advice, etc. He surprised me. Not only did He listen, but He choose to interject Himself and take control. Not of the situation, but of me. He took control of how i needed to handle the situation so that i would not start whittling away again. i'm so ever grateful He did.

    Let Him decide if He wants to help or not. Don't make that decision for Him. He is the one place you can go and be 100% of who you are. You can't be that if you don't share. He can't give you what you need, if you don't share.

    Nothing sucks more than the one person who is suppose to support you chooses not too - the spouse.

    1. Sounds like you had the perfect outcome Hs. I do need to let go. Let Him in. He knows a lot...but still circumstance means He can't come in..or I won't let Him.

    2. Sometimes just having that safe out let to let go helps. I ended up needing that outlet the other night. Master wasn't even in a position that He could help. I emailed how I was feeling right then and there. The moment I hit sent I was calmer and just able to deal with the situation. I thanked Him later for just showing me to have that outlet. I hope you get done resolution.

  4. Would like to just give you a hug, what a struggling place you seem to be in. i agree with the others here though, let Him in. Even if it is only a little bit at a time to help you, let Him see the glimpses of all that you are and i have a feeling you will grow in ways you never thought of.

    slave *~destiny~*

    1. Thank you destiny. Hoe sweet your thoughts are .
      L X

  5. Thank you for sharing this I can relate.

  6. I get the sense that this is not an uncommon problem.
    Thank you for commenting T.
    L. X

  7. sorry to hear how you are feeling little and i know exactly how you are feeling, its a terrible situation to be in, heads all over the place....hugs to you...

    blossom x


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