Monday, June 30, 2014

firsts task (part two)

Pegs on breasts and fanny (pussy for the Americans amongst us) clipped on and pulled off at a rate of knots as I scream with an induced orgasm. Well Sir You know I don't like this one. This one makes me feel nauseous, the pain of it does. Sensitive breasts give way to the pain. I don't like the idea of how ridiculous I must look with pegs in rows on my breasts, my beautiful breasts.
The St. Andrew's Cross - strapped, chained, embracing the cool wooden restraint - I have always found the cross comforting. I like to be restrained and I like the flogging I receive here. This was the very first thing you did with me. Gentle flogging, too gentle to keep me engaged now Sir. You have drawn from me an endurance for much more severe treatment than that first day.
Orgasm control - love it and hate it. The more I come, the more I want. Denial works for me only to dampen my desire. Constant play is what makes me insatiable. So...I am not fond of denial for that reason. After a period of denial I lose my desire to play.
Mr Buzzy- the Hitachi magic wand - LOVE! nothing more to say.

Squirting - OH My! now you made me squirt and I was appalled. I am still not convinced of the nature of the juice! I felt so ashamed, embarrassed when You first brought me to this. Now I love it because I know You love it from me. It makes me feel completely under Your control and You know how I love Your control.
Letting go of my control, giving it to Sir - This is the center piece of why I do this. To give up. To give everything to Him. No responsibility but to use my safe word if I need to.
Butt plugged - oh the deliciousness of anal play - I am an anal princess, and anal slut, an anal whore. This makes me wet, instantly. It also creates an anxiety that my kinky self will be found out by those who don't shared the shiny world of kink.
Nipples clamped - ouch! and then...yummy Daddy! in the beginning my tender nipples could only tolerate a few short minutes. long you got? But stop pulling Pleeeease!

Face slapped - yum, yum always yum. You slapped my face and took my breath away and I remember looking back to You with a lustful smile in  my eyes. Instantly hot, instantly on heat, breath rapid.

Breast bondage - I like rope. The more I have, the more I want. I love the feel of rope and love to watch your large capable hand tying and knotting it with such confidence. My breasts standing proud, but again I am not fond of how silly I feel. I think it slightly humiliating.

Spreader bar - yes! spread and used, yes!

Anal licking (receiving)- Oh my! So naughty, so good.
Breasts flogged - not bad, but tender breasts mean I don't tolerate this on too hard a level. I like how my breasts bounce and sway with each strike. I love to tease You and push You to hit harder until I squeal.

Pussy flogged - Most recently experienced and I LOVE this.

Whipped - yes!

Gagged - I resisted this for so long and then one day I picked up the gag and begged you (probably demanded) You use it. It brings me instantly to smallness, to submission. I cannot look you in the eye when this gag is in my mouth. I am embarrassed by the look of it in my mouth through I am not sure I have ever seen it. I  love the gag. It immediately transports me to deep inside my submission.
Collared - I love this particularly when You hook Your finger through the O ring and pull and push Your girl for Your pleasure.
Breath play - oh My! Ultimate control..I am a control junky (Giving it up).
Choked - see breath play.

Anal with legs closed tight - see breath play.

Submissive in training....Training quiets my mind.

photographer unknown

Sunday, June 29, 2014

task of firsts

I am tasked with recalling my firsts with Sir..sheesh that will be a huge list! I have until next Sunday night to recount them with what I liked about the first or equally what I didn't like. No discussion will be entered into. I am just to 'do it'.
I have been thinking and off the top of my head the were a few but not inexhaustible list of firsts that came to mind in no particular order.
Pegs on breasts and fanny (pussy for the Americans amongst us) clipped on and pulled off at a rate of knots as I scream with an induced orgasm.
The St. Andrew's Cross -  strapped, chained, embracing the cool wooden restraint.
Orgasm control.
Mr buzzy- the Hitachi magic wand.
Letting go of my control, giving it to Sir.
Butt plugged - oh the deliciousness of anal play.
Nipples clamped - ouch! and then...yummy Daddy!
Face slappped,
Breast bondage,
Spreader bar,
Anal licking (receiving),
Breasts flogged,
Pussy flogged 
breath play,
Anal with legs closed tight.
I will think more over the week. He has given me enough time knowing there is a lot to write.
unknown photographer

Saturday, June 28, 2014

tasking the girl

The dust is settling. I have let it settle and am reconsidering my submission.
I saw Sir and said to Him,

'Do you think I'm really submissive Sir?'

It seems a strange question after this last few years of experimenting, living and playing with this side of myself. I still doubt it though. I tend to go through phases. I am not  child but I still go through phases. I am inconstant with my projects. I will flit from one to another and be passionate about each one. Learning all that I can about each passion.

Sir gave me lots of reasons he saw that evidenced my submissive self and each day now he is working to send me instructions to reinforce my submission to Him. Tomorrow, after a night in nakedness with no hot water bottle! I am to wear matching bra and panties, paint my toe nails red and the fingernails blue. I am to wear a little set of chains in my belly button and pictures to be taken to prove my devotion to His pleasure. I am to come both today and tomorrow. I am happy to receive these instructions. I think I need them.

Mentor Daddy has also sent me a task. I have three days to complete it. I think Sir and Mentor Daddy have been talking. There are more tasks than I can poke a stick at currently. I am not fretting I will just 'do it.'

Slowly I will navigate my way back into the me I need. I will find my way back to where I need to be. Find my way to where I am more my whole self and less of my half self.  A fraction and decimal point away from my whole self. Moving fraction by fraction toward the whole of me.

photographer unknown

Thursday, June 19, 2014

giving in or giving up?

Life is a bit gruelling here. My non Dom found out more detail than he should have re Sir and some conversation and plans we were making.

Long gone are the days non-Dom approved of my liaison, my partnership and my submission to Sir.

It has come to a head. I'm worn down and don't feel brave at the moment. There are reasons I stay with non-Dom that will one day change. For now I am with him, in name. I do not dislike him but he is not  partner to me in anyway that he used to be emotionally. Don't assume either that  this is  'normal' situation. There are circumstances beyond both non-Dom's control and mine.

I'm not looking for sympathy here, but to simply write it down, get it out onto the page.

My task at the moment is to reassess. Reassess my life with Sir, my connection with Him. He knows this and so reading this will not come as a shock. I feel like a canary caught in non-Dom's huge web. I am tired of the dance with him, the fight to be myself.

If I give up my grip on the submissive in me I fear I will wither and sink into unhappiness. If I give up Sir I must give up my submission because I don't want another Sir, nor can I imagine kneeling to another Sir. I trust my Sir deeply and my trust in these things has not been easily won.

My problem is that is is so hard to hide everything from non-Dom. He doesn't trust me, but then I don't trust him. I am tired of the subterfuge. I am tired of the energy it takes to live the lie. I am tired of non-Dom's view of me as abnormal, the things I do as abnormal, having two men as abnormal. In who's frigging world! I'm tired of the passive aggressive way he holds me in this relationship. He will not try and understand my needs. He did try once. He tried to be dominant with me once, but he says though he enjoys the activities, his D to my s is not sustainable for him. I understand that and have not pushed him or chided him when he finally made that decision. He has not afforded me the same consideration. He is jealous of another man with me. He is jealous of my time taken from him. He is ego assaulted (my view) less than second best he called it. The trouble is I believe that's all it is. I don't believe those feelings come from a standpoint of love. Whether or not that is an accurate belief is not the point when I believe it.

I am angry that if I give up everything that I am, it is because he wants it. I am held here by obligation currently, but I want to be free to be me. My activities if any,  have to be held to one weekday when he is at work. The rest of the time I scream inside. I burden myself with all that it is to be wife, mother & father & partner because I am carer to my non-Dom. I am tired of the battle. So it is for this reason I am trying to make the decision to give up everything, and Sir. Only for this reason. The pressure of the lie and the passive aggressive life of discontent from living with non-Dom.

I am meeting Sir in a few days. I shouldn't be, but I am. I need to see Him. I need Him to take me in hand and help me. We will talk.

photographer unknown

I  have also come to drink  little too much vodka on a daily basis of late, not something  have traditionally done- something I might have to get under control.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Sir's mistake!

She stood with hands behind her head.
She goaded Him to hit harder.
Her breasts swung under the repeated thud of the flogger.
Her eyes gleamed with need, with lust.
"Harder Sir" she exclaimed.

He stopped.
She followed His gaze looking down at the trickle of blood on her breast.
A tiny mole had been damaged and blood flowed from it.

She looked back to Sir, a little surprise.
He stood the flogger tight in His hand, the lengths of leather swinging at His side.
The expression on His face was a boys expression of being caught in naughtiness.
The tables turned for just a moment as she looked into His eyes incredulously.

"It wasn't me!" He claimed.

She laughed out loud at the picture of the flogger still swinging from the last lash and He, proclaiming His innocence in being party to the cause of the bloody flow.

photographer unknown

Monday, June 9, 2014

in the shadow of His floggers

He tapped the cane on my arse, His arse.
He tapped and stung His breasts, His thighs, His body.

stripped bare
the sound of sharp and rapid staccato.

His girl wet,
nipples proud,
she giggles,

His pussy throbs,
He holds His pussy hard in His huge man hand.
She gasps,
chalk to wall Rule # 10.

In the shadow of His floggers and the chains the rule is written in scrabbly script on the wall.

As I fear the crop, this will be the main method for my correction. For each infraction I will receive 10 strokes of the cane. I must count each stroke out loud and thank You for each one. If I miss a count I will receive 5 additional strokes for each missed. This is not negotiable.

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Blog tour

The blog tour from Joolz. Thank you friend. I am revelling in her journey. She has journeyed from thoughtful and novice sub to new slave. She has come from her first Dom to her first Master. I enjoy her journey so much. I envy her freedom in making it happen. She has now found Graeme who has recently become Master to her. Her journey and submission develop and deepen to enviable proportions. Where I fail she succeeds. Good for her I say. Go and have a look over there. Fantastic read.

Now I think I am supposed to answer some questions about this blog. Ever self indulgent, here it goes.

What is behind this Blog Tour?It's pretty simple. Answer the 4 questions about yourself and post the answers on your blog page and then invite a few other bloggers that you admire to join in on the fun and include links to their blogs on their page.

What am i working on at the moment?
A thousand things but I suspect that this is a question about bdsm / ttwd. I almost think this would be better asked of my Daddy mentor and my Sir Local D. These two sometime seem to know me better than I do.

Right this minute I feel like I am trying to find my way back to my strength. My strength to submit. I have spun out of control. I asked for space but perhaps what I need is tighter ropes. Pull the knots tighter. I am very confused at the moment and I want desperately to be taken in hand and slapped out of my doldrums.

Why do i write what i do?
To sort through this journey. To tell someone. I have no friends to confide in. No like minded friends. This is a place to talk to my inner me and now as Daddy and Sir both read this they know what is happening inside me too.

This is less acceptable bdsm / ttwd than being gay I think. It's hidden, deep in the closet. There is a hint on my body. I wear a ring. A small collar with an O ring on my finger. It has attracted many admirers but only one person who 'knows' has ever let on that they know. Unfortunately she is a work colleague and we don't talk about it because of that sensitivity.

So I write a friend or 50:50!
How does the process work?
There is no process. I write and publish usually in the same sitting. It's about what I'm feeling. What events have passed me.

3 bloggers to invite along that i admire, read and identify personally with:
My problem has been I don't get a lot of time too surf around blogland..a quick trip in, a quick word or two and then I'm off to my next mission.
Well I have already said Joolz but she has done this
His slut is another but she has been invited by Joolz.
I love to read blossom over at beautiful submission, she has relatively recently become slave to William, a blogging friend who was there from the beginning when I started this journey. He loves to train his sexy slave. I encourage you all to visit their pages.
via my life as a submissive blogspot

Friday, June 6, 2014

The submissive activity book

Maybe this is what I need? I wonder whats between the sheets..of paper.

Does a sub girl need to 'improve' her service as is suggested in the description with the aid of a book. Does not your Dominant know what is needed to improve the sub service?

Self help books for subs.

Your thoughts?

The Submissive Activity Book is your ticket to self-accountability during your journey as a submissive in the Leather and BDSM Communities. This book contains exercises and recommendations to help you improve your service with or without a power exchange relationship. If you''ve ever felt disconnected from your service because you weren''t actively serving a dominant, this book is for you. When you learn to be accountable to yourself, you''ll find serving others easier and more fulfilling. If you''re engaged in a power exchange relationship and want to improve your service, this book is the perfect tool to use in conjunction with your dominant. Together you can improve your service to meet their needs.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Rules on the wall...

 Sir had me write a rule on the ceiling. The owner of the room requested a rule on the ceiling.

Sir helped me stand on the bench to reach the ceiling. He whipped and caned me all the time I wrote. It takes longer with this delicious distraction. The marks appearing on my body excite Sir and the taps grow to hits. The sound of the bamboo on skin is intoxicating. He broke the torture by invading His cunt with His tongue. The pleasure inducing His girls eye to roll. Then the leather of the whip flays wrapping around my body while I try to script the chalk words on the ceiling. My hand shakes as I try to make it readable and coherent.

The more my rules appear on the walls and ceiling the more they are in my constant view. Snippets of slick cunts and presented breasts for His pleasure. The non negotiables are ever present in my vision and in my minds eye. I will learn my rules this way, word for word. I read the lines as the tortures continue. I admit to loving this. The omnipresence and omnipotence of the rules as the girl is worked upon.

Rule number 4 is on the ceiling.
I will be cuffed and chained for sleeping always. I will be ready for His pleasure always. Sleeping without restraints will be considered a reward to be decided at His discretion. This is NOT negotiable.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

failed sub girl

I visited Sir yesterday and he took care of me.
I call him a sadist but we have decided that he is not nasty.
Can you be a kind sadist? I think you can.

My mind was all over the place.
My thoughts were racing.
My thoughts were all over the place.
One thought here, one thought there.

I walked into the room,
I undressed.
I stood, hands behind my back, offering my breasts and body to him, handing the nipple clamps to him.
My nipples were clamped. He gathered up my bells on the clover clamps and clipped them hard to my slick cunt.

He spun me around, His fingers probing me.
As his fingers met the metal of the plug that I had inserted in my arse before I arrived.
His hot breath brushed my ear. His hand squeezed my throat.
"Good girl," His voice filled with pleasure that I had inserted His plug.

I didn't find my space yesterday. It eluded me. It cheated Sir.
He had me come hard. Strapped and retrained, toes tied by string to pulleys, chains and nipple clamps.
I was unable to relax into the pain, the discomfort.
I came at His will but soon I cried. I couldn't cope with a tenth of where He usually takes me.

He stopped.
I didnt ask but He read me.
He loosened the restraints.
He held me.
He massaged my entire body.
He took me to bed. I slept.
He took care of me.

This morning when I woke I felt ashamed, I had let Him down.
My sub self had let Him down.
"It's OK, it doesn't matter. I like to take care of my girl. Next time we are back on track." He said.

photographer unknown

Sunday, June 1, 2014

confused and sooky sub girl

It's slipping away ...
my sub-self.
I am worried,

I think it's more an impact of life as I know it at the moment.
Time escapes me, slips through my fingers.

I find myself afraid at the moment.
Afraid of a lot of things.
The 'what if's' in my life.
There's a few 'what if's' at the moment.

I am not living the life I would like to be living but that's just how it is. Acceptance is the key. Things can't change unless I want to cause grief to a whole lot of people and certainly to those nearest to me.

Gosh heart on sleeve time.

Sir has given me space, time. I am seeing him tomorrow. A reminder as he wields the whip of where I am in his world and where I am in my world.

The guilty secret? I don't like Him knowing this side of me. No one has ever known this side of me. The unsure, wimpy, sooky la la side of me. The sorry for myself side of me.

I don't like Him to know....why?

Because He is my Sir. He is not my life partner. That role falls to someone else. That someone else does not however take any responsibility for me, so I take it for myself as I always have.

Sir wants me to ask. He wants to help. Just to help me with everyday stuff.  He can't, well I won't let Him. I keep a barrier between us. Between D/s and my other life. I am fearful I will take advantage of Him. I could so very easily. I could easily let Him into my other life. I could take advantage of a man who will do almost anything for me. I can't take that advantage because that is not His role in my life.
This is one of the most confusing head spaces I have ever experienced. I have always been sure of what is right and wrong. Now, this world I find myself moving through has many more shades of grey than just fifty.

I am aching for tomorrow, for kneeling, for bending.

photographer unknown