Tuesday, February 18, 2014

living vanilla, aching to be owned

M has give me permission to post her question here:
My question to you is how you deal with living with a vanilla husband and having a Sir as well?
I find myself thinking of my master almost all day long, and getting quite emotional after a  week without seeing or talking to him. I feel  very vulnerable and get insecure about him and our relationship. I do not want to demand too much attention, he has his own life, but things just get worse until I can speak to him.I feel sad at the lack of 'playing'.  
My Master and I had a good talk about this and he thinks I just need to be in a D/s relationship. That I am longing for more guidance in my life and I just get too little of that. He thinks these feelings of mine will not pass.
I'm so curious if you have ever had the same issues, maybe you have past them and will tell me how you did that.

Thank you for your question and I will start with how I deal with a vanilla husband (actually my life partner and not a husband) and a Sir.

The short answer is...I don't. My relationship with Non Dom Hub has suffered for sometime and we circle each other but we rarely connect anymore. We remain together but in honesty I am not happy in the relationship. A variety of reasons keeps us under the same roof living a life (of sorts) together. This has nothing to do with Local D in my life though Non-Dom may see it otherwise, but that is my guess, I have not asked him and to some extent, I have given up caring. Even if my relationship with non-Dom ended today, I would not seek another man. For a very long time (years) I tried my hardest to keep us together. Now I dream of the day I don't have to be with him.

As far as Local D (Sir) is concerned, I have never felt particularly vulnerable emotionally. We were very clear in the beginning that this was about D/s though this does not exclude emotional attachment of course. I have two men in my every day life; Non-Dom Hub and Sir. Sir contacts me everyday (unless he is very busy with work). I have not felt insecure about this. I think it is mainly to do with our agreement that this is a D/s relationship and we are both committed to other people. I am happy for this not to become blurred or grey. I have been careful not to say things I think might be misunderstood or lead down a path we have mutually agreed not to go. He says I just overthink all this and I need to just accept it for what it is and enjoy.

I would suggest, as you have already done, communication, communication, communication. I believe that a good Dom can't understand what's going on for you if you don't tell him (or her). Maybe you could ask if your Master might consider giving you some instruction via text or email with a mechnism of report back to him if you are unable to talk. I think you have done the right thing in telling your Master how you are feeling. As a good Master he will no doubt make sure he cares for you and controls you as you need.

photographer unknown

1 comment:

  1. little, it is absolutely scary how parallel our situations are.

    M, may I make a suggestion. I am in same predicament as little. Non-Dom husband and we co-exist. Actually, word for word on little's description.

    In the beginning, Sir made clear He could not be there for the emotional aftermath. I figured physically, and I could deal with it. I also would not tell Him how I was feeling until it was so late that He had to do major work to repair the insecurity that kept growing inside of me. He would tell me He wasn't going anywhere, busy, etc., which I understood and respected. On the flip side, how hard is it to send an email? Finally, a few months ago, after 7 days of no word (which was not abnormal and it's been over a year since we have been seeing each other) and I was in a state of all else, I finally emailed and admitted to Him. I needed more attention. The lack of communication was constantly on the forefront, therefore my insecurities He was trying to dissolve was actually magnifying. He was not aware it was that bad for me because I failed to communicate. I can live with not playing for a period of time due to our schedules, but I could not go without hearing from Him more than a day or two. I needed more email attention.

    I now hear from Him almost daily. He has started telling me more of His travel schedule in advance, etc. Some days it may have only been a few words-literally- but the point was that I needed to know He was thinking about me. That I am important enough, even if it is an email with two or three words. (I've sent 24 hrs with Him, on travel, so I git a first hand experience on His workload). I do ask for tasks. Finally, during New Year's week, when discussing that day's task He said something and oh my, it all clicked. I felt serene. I was no longer in a "does He really want me, does He really care, etc." Since then, things have changed quickly that my head is spinning, and in the good way. I have more confidence in that He is not going anywhere nor am I.

    My point, figure out what you absolutely need, what you absolutely cannot live without, and go to your Master with it. Work it out together.

    (Sorry for typos, on phone).

    Good luck to you.


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