There is a discussion over on Pygar's blogs A Kind Dom and Uncle Agony. The discussion about vanilla partners and Dom partners at the same time, hence having your cake and eating it, is something that i am navigating rather unsuccessfully at the moment.
So I weighed in...
I have in my life a Dom and a non-Dom life partner, currently not working. I would give anything for non-Dom hub to be my Dom and we have tried in earlier days when I began to explore my submissive nature. I learned D/s is not sustainable for someone who is not Dom in his bones. If it just doesn't float his boat.
This has led to a lot of hurt and a lot of angst. If I could have it all again. If I knew who I was 16 or so years ago, I would have chosen differently.
I am unable to give up my Sir or rather, unable to give up being controlled. I am unable to give up non-Dom (complications there which I don't reveal in this blog, make it hard to walk away).
My learning in all this tangled web? Unless your non-Dom understands your sub needs as just that, needs and not some fly by night sexual desire that gets you high but can be put aside for 'love' then he may never be comfortable or accepting of a Dom who will touch you and meet those needs.
The learning continues: Don't settle for a non-Dom if you need a Dom man (or of course woman) to be your life partner. Life is NOT as they say 'short'..it is the longest thing you will ever do and it's even longer stuck in an unfulfilling sexual and life partnership
tori made an interesting comment about trust in this discussion where she posed a question which made me think further. tori wondered how can true trust be given to a Dom who is being deceitful to his married / partnered vanilla and by seeking a sub elsewhere. I note that tori was perhaps unmarried / single when she was seeing a married Dom, but that is an assumption. Having a like experience with both myself and my Dom each committed to a vanilla partner, the concept of trust with Sir is not the same as it is in my life partnership with non-Dom. With Sir there is no expectation of responsibility on an everyday, bill paying, til-death-do-us-part level.
I have not sought a life partner in Sir and I would do anything in my limited power to protect the integrity of his relationship to his committed partner. I believe he is the same with regard to me and my life.
The trust I have built with Sir has little to do with til-death-do-us-part. My trust in Sir is grounded in the trust that he will keep me safe, do what is right for me, and never cause me to be harmed physically or psychologically. He trusts me in the same way. His understanding with his life partner is his own. I do not know what it is. It is not my place to interfere or to know.
Sir and I have a relationship negotiated between partners based on a mutual and a symbiotic need. If this were a relationship where we were also life partners, then I could see that trust issues around fidelity in the relationship may come into play. Having said that there are expectations from Sir involving his trust in me not to engage in D/s play with another - a trust in D/s fidelity.
Oh what a tangled web we weave... :)