Monday, July 22, 2013

Cake and eat it

There is a discussion over on Pygar's blogs A Kind Dom and Uncle Agony. The discussion about vanilla partners and Dom partners at the same time, hence having your cake and eating it, is something that i am navigating rather unsuccessfully at the moment.

So I weighed in...

I have in my life a Dom and a non-Dom life partner, currently not working. I would give anything for non-Dom hub to be my Dom and we have tried in earlier days when I began to explore my submissive nature. I learned D/s is not sustainable for someone who is not Dom in his bones. If it just doesn't float his boat.

This has led to a lot of hurt and a lot of angst. If I could have it all again. If I knew who I was 16 or so years ago, I would have chosen differently.

I am unable to give up my Sir or rather, unable to give up being controlled. I am unable to give up non-Dom (complications there which I don't reveal in this blog, make it hard to walk away).

My learning in all this tangled web? Unless your non-Dom understands your sub needs as just that, needs and not some fly by night sexual desire that gets you high but can be put aside for 'love' then he may never be comfortable or accepting of a Dom who will touch you and meet those needs.

The learning continues: Don't settle for a non-Dom if you need a Dom man (or of course woman) to be your life partner. Life is NOT as they say 'short' is the longest thing you will ever do and it's even longer stuck in an unfulfilling sexual and life partnership

tori made an interesting comment about trust in this discussion where she posed a question which made me think further. tori wondered how can true trust be given to a Dom who is being deceitful to his married / partnered vanilla and by seeking a sub elsewhere. I note that tori was perhaps unmarried / single when she was seeing a married Dom, but that is an assumption. Having a like experience with both myself and my Dom each committed to a vanilla partner, the concept of trust with Sir is not the same as it is in my life partnership with non-Dom. With Sir there is no expectation of responsibility on an everyday, bill paying, til-death-do-us-part level.

I have not sought a life partner in Sir and I would do anything in my limited power to protect the integrity of his relationship to his committed partner. I believe he is the same with regard to me and my life.

The trust I have built with Sir has little to do with til-death-do-us-part. My trust in Sir is grounded in the trust that he will keep me safe, do what is right for me, and never cause me to be harmed physically or psychologically. He trusts me in the same way. His understanding with his life partner is his own. I do not know what it is. It is not my place to interfere or to know.

Sir and I have a relationship negotiated between partners based on a mutual and a symbiotic need. If this were a relationship where we were also life partners, then I could see that trust issues around fidelity in the relationship may come into play. Having said that there are expectations from Sir involving his trust in me not to engage in D/s play with another - a trust in D/s fidelity.

Oh what a tangled web we weave... :)


  1. I think you say it best...

    "The trust I have built with Sir has little to do with til-death-do-us-part. My trust in Sir is grounded in the trust that he will keep me safe, do what is right for me, and never cause me to be harmed physically or psychologically. He trusts me in the same way. His understanding with his life partner is his own. I do not know what it is. It is not my place to interfere or to know."

    The relationship I have with my Sir has no bearing on our own personal until-death-do-us-part relationships.

    I know it should have a bearing, but it does not. The trust I have built with Him is based off of mutual respect about our every day life that does not involve each other.

    Each submissive's journey is different. Just like each vanilla relationship is different. Who has the right to say what is right and wrong between two consensual adults?

    1. thanks HS
      we are all different and each relationship is negotiated between a Dom and their sub.


    2. Little,

      I completely agree.

      It is amazing to me how in this lifestyle the level of trust is vastly approached through raw communication. In order for it to be successful, that honest communication must occur. Too bad it isn't that simple in the vanilla world. At least, in most cases. Life would be so much better if it was.

      H.S. xx

  2. It is so hard! Don't you wish hindsight was actually a viable tool?

    Then again you are the sum of your past .. meaning you would NOT be where you are now if you did not have what you have already lived. Make any sense at all? It's something I always like to apply to my own life, especially during difficult times.

    I do wish you luck, little. You certainly are not travelling an easy path. (not that this lifestyle is ever easy)


    1. A viable tool for hindsight would be a great money spinner...put me down for a dozen!

  3. As Lost Kittie says, it takes your life experiences to help form you, and withouth them perhaps you wouldn't be the person you are today. As you know I am discovering only too painfully what it means to be entwined in a complex web, but of course a number of key elements were different - Hubby originally didn't know and now he does, it is clear he could never be my dom. Sir is separated and almost divorced, and it is because of the trust I had in him that there would be no infidelity that we are now no longer Dom and sub. I wouldn't change that relationship, and my next one will probably need to be D/s given what I know about myself, but even if it is not for life, I don't think either he nor I should be in another relationship. That is just me, and of course how I am feeling now.

    Thinking of you L at this equally difficult time xxx

    1. thanks J as always great insight
      L x

  4. hi ya little

    Yes you are correct in your assumption, i was single and i think that perhaps puts a different perspective on how i felt.

    I really hope my comment didnt cause offence, as none was intended.

    For me it was an issue, trust that is, as his wife was completely oblivious and that added complications such as what sort of person did this make me? i didnt like how it made me a whole other load of issues.

    It does work i think, as your situation proves as it does for many others, difficult at times i imagine but i totally get that we cant escape our needs no matter how much we may try to.


    1. oh offence at all. The great thng about discussions is that everyone can have a respectful opinion.. thats all. We are shaped by our experiences and as the other girls have said but as much as we are shaped, it is always a good thing to consider others experiences. Your comment made me think more deeply about my comment.

      L xx

  5. Oh my this brought tears to my eyes. You are right, everyone that looks at the same "object" will see it differently, feel differently & wear the effects differently. Life can be painstakingly long when there is something missing. Don't feel guilty for learning how to survive.
    Hugs -
    - Lolli

    1. Thanks Lolli, nice to see you around



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