Monday, July 29, 2013

submit to the weekend: episode one - spanked

It was a two and a half hour drive north to the idyllic countryside valley of vines. The weather was woeful but nothing could get my spirits down. The prospect of my first weekend away with local D was all consuming, exciting, titillating.

He had hired a small place in the valley of vines and I was, "To be there by 11 thank you. You will wear matching panties and bra, I have an urge to unwrap the girl."

I was surprised at how uncomfortable my panties were today. I hadn't worn them for weeks. That was the one rule I seemed to be able to stick to. I'm still not sure how I will go in the summer with hot gusts and shorter dresses, but like Scarlett O'Hara, I will think about that tomorrow.

When I arrived we sat down to wine and cheese and bread. In retrospect the wine was probably not  good idea. I was tired, stressed from the week that was and two glasses of wine depleted me. I am usually never allowed wine before play but this was different, it was lunch time. I am always a hungry girl at lunch time and this was the beginning of the next 24 hours. This was the start of our time to understand each other more deeply.

The wine warmed my body and my skin flushed. He unwrapped me piece by piece and the window dressing remain wide open. I could look out onto the landscape of the valley though there remained always that hint of danger that we would be found out, seen.

He directed me as always to offer up my ankles one after the other  and my wrists one by one as he tightened the cuffs around them. I felt so at ease, peaceful in the knowledge that there was no rush, no clock watching, no rushing home before I was missed. It was absolute heaven. Heaven in the knowledge that I was there, with him, for him, to obey him for the next 24hrs. I reached back and lifted my hair and bent my head forward as he circled the collar around my neck fastening the buckle at the back. He tested it by hooking his two large fingers between the thick leather and my skin. "Perfect" he said, and I let my hair fall from my fingers once he was satisfied with the collar's placement.

I bent over from my waist and he warmed my bottom, skin on skin. It felt like an eternity since I had been under his hand and every swat now served to make me feel my place. It was exactly where I needed to be. Where I longed to be and where I felt I belonged. I had not felt that before. Not really. Was it to do with the relax pace, the neutral territory, the wine...who knows? I was owned, I was his. I was where I was meant to be. I wasn't meant to be anywhere else but there in front of him. Under his hand.

photographer unknown

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

naked submission

Major juncture!

A short while ago I gave up a secret to Local D. I told him about this blog, it's existence. I didn't offer up the addy or invite him to read. I still had that secret. It was the only secret I held.

He tells me that we are approaching the two year mark. Two years of first contact and the journey between us beginning. Tonight I gave up my last secret. I gifted him the blog. Now he has everything of me. There are no more secrets.

I said once that I believed total submission was giving up the secrets, laying them open in trust to someone. He has them all now. There is a sense of relief, happiness and no fear.

I have some anxiety around Him reading about Daddy. Local D and Daddy have communicated with each other...i know... HOT right? but I have never called them to each other by the names I use privately with them. I have never said Daddy to Local D in conversation about Marvellous Mentor and I have never said the word Sir when referring to Local D in conversation with Daddy.  'D' seems to suffice for both.

Are there two Masters? I don't think so. Daddy remains my Marvellous Mentor and I do as he requires when he requires. Sir (Local D) is local and gives me the physicality and the psychological fluster  that I crave but cannot get online, I have also learned to submit to Him.

So here I am, laid out, peeled back, exposed and naked for both men.


photographer unknown

Monday, July 22, 2013

Cake and eat it

There is a discussion over on Pygar's blogs A Kind Dom and Uncle Agony. The discussion about vanilla partners and Dom partners at the same time, hence having your cake and eating it, is something that i am navigating rather unsuccessfully at the moment.

So I weighed in...

I have in my life a Dom and a non-Dom life partner, currently not working. I would give anything for non-Dom hub to be my Dom and we have tried in earlier days when I began to explore my submissive nature. I learned D/s is not sustainable for someone who is not Dom in his bones. If it just doesn't float his boat.

This has led to a lot of hurt and a lot of angst. If I could have it all again. If I knew who I was 16 or so years ago, I would have chosen differently.

I am unable to give up my Sir or rather, unable to give up being controlled. I am unable to give up non-Dom (complications there which I don't reveal in this blog, make it hard to walk away).

My learning in all this tangled web? Unless your non-Dom understands your sub needs as just that, needs and not some fly by night sexual desire that gets you high but can be put aside for 'love' then he may never be comfortable or accepting of a Dom who will touch you and meet those needs.

The learning continues: Don't settle for a non-Dom if you need a Dom man (or of course woman) to be your life partner. Life is NOT as they say 'short' is the longest thing you will ever do and it's even longer stuck in an unfulfilling sexual and life partnership

tori made an interesting comment about trust in this discussion where she posed a question which made me think further. tori wondered how can true trust be given to a Dom who is being deceitful to his married / partnered vanilla and by seeking a sub elsewhere. I note that tori was perhaps unmarried / single when she was seeing a married Dom, but that is an assumption. Having a like experience with both myself and my Dom each committed to a vanilla partner, the concept of trust with Sir is not the same as it is in my life partnership with non-Dom. With Sir there is no expectation of responsibility on an everyday, bill paying, til-death-do-us-part level.

I have not sought a life partner in Sir and I would do anything in my limited power to protect the integrity of his relationship to his committed partner. I believe he is the same with regard to me and my life.

The trust I have built with Sir has little to do with til-death-do-us-part. My trust in Sir is grounded in the trust that he will keep me safe, do what is right for me, and never cause me to be harmed physically or psychologically. He trusts me in the same way. His understanding with his life partner is his own. I do not know what it is. It is not my place to interfere or to know.

Sir and I have a relationship negotiated between partners based on a mutual and a symbiotic need. If this were a relationship where we were also life partners, then I could see that trust issues around fidelity in the relationship may come into play. Having said that there are expectations from Sir involving his trust in me not to engage in D/s play with another - a trust in D/s fidelity.

Oh what a tangled web we weave... :)

Sunday, July 21, 2013

there comes a time in life, when you just need to walk away...

Something Daddy sent me which bares consideration. He always knows where my head is. He is supportive for one so far away. He appears to always have time in his busy busy life to lend and ear and counsel.

I am considering ..
Walking away from the drama and the person who creates it,
Surrounding myself with laughter and light,
Pushing away the unhealthy and focus on loving the confused girl inside.
Getting up is living.

Life is not so short as is said.  Life is the longest thing I'll ever do and to live it in despair will make it even longer.

Friday, July 19, 2013

public exposure

Yesterday afternoon a text received told me I was to come to the room dressed in "a coat, follow-me fuck-me heels, and nipple clamps to be worn anywhere you choose."
Well this sounded promising.
I was just about ready to leave when my phone told me, "I think we will eat first. Meet me at the pub at 6:30. Don't change your dress."
"What!!!!" i wrote back.
Regaining some composure "May i please wear stockings?"
i thought I can't do this with out stockings ..the coat is so short! I had never been told to do something like this before. I was nervous, terrified and very very flustered.
I waited.
No reply.
No reply.
"Sir, please" i text.
 "you may."

"Thank you Sir."
He knew i would be very flustered. i was VERY flustered!

Seven pairs of stockings  and a lot of mumbling "bastard Sir" under my breath later, i arrived at my destination, the pub, naked under a short coat (the longest i had) nipple clamps on my nipples, stockings and fuck-me heels.
i found a car park and picked up my phone hoping for a reprieve. Nothing.

"Sir, are you inside, I'm here." i text

My breath was ragged and my mind was flitting in all directions. i was so grateful for winter, early darkness and the need to wear a coat (outside). It would look all wrong inside and i knew everyone would know i was naked under the coat.
There was no response to my text. I tried again. Still nothing. I got out of the car. Tied my belt hard around my waist and walked inside feeling decidedly unsteady on my follow-me fuck-me heels.
A nervous mess and flushed wet, I walked through the pub. i saw Him sitting at a table amidst a crowd of tables. In front of him sat a cool beer in a pilsner glass and in front of the empty chair a frosted  glass of white wine.  I have never been so grateful for an alcoholic beverage...though I could have done with a double Vodka right then and there.
My hands shook and as nervous and flushed as i was i could feel the excitement running through my body.
We shared Oysters and Calamari with salad...Yum.
The nipple clamps that had begun to hurt passed to a state of numbness. He asked me if i would like Him to take them off. i have been caught before. i knew he would have no qualms to reach inside my coat and undo the offender clamps in plain view of the clientele in the warm bar. i declined His gracious offer of relief.

i held out as long as i could until i could stand the pain and discomfort no longer. i pleaded with Him for help. Without hesitation His hand dove underneath my coat and release my right nipple from its torture. I whimpered and squealed a little in pain of the release, trying not to draw attention to myself. The left nipple followed, the relief was phenomenal and no one had noticed his hand under my coat. He pulled the clamps joined with a chain out from my breasts and laid them on the table in front of me where they were to stay while we dined and drank.
When we had finished our tasty bits He commanded, "I will go to the room, I expect you to be right behind me."
I walked out of the pub in the opposite direction to Him as we had come in separate cars. My nipple clamps hung from my fingers. I was not unaware of attention I received in my follow-me fuck-me heels, stockings and coat worn like a mini dress.
I revelled in my slut as i met the heated gaze of men on my way to meet Sir in the room.

via fine Arte America

Monday, July 15, 2013

the dynamic fluid nature of negotiation...what will you have with your D/s today babygirl?

It may surprise to realise that the relationship dynamic between Local D and I is a work in progress. Under negotiation. That's OK.

There is always a part of me, greedy and impatient that wants more.
More strict,
more control,
more rules,
more chastisement,
more punishment (though punishment of a physical nature doesn't work for me...I do naughty things just to receive a spank or slap).

Punishment to me is denial. Not denial of the big O or the girl touching but denial of his touch, denial of his attention is punishment cruel and unbecoming. Denial makes me sick with need, desperate with desire, and devastated with longing.

photographer unknown

Friday, July 12, 2013

the night before the day of the 24 little hours to follow

Its the night before the day of...
the first day of the night to come,
the night before the day after,
the day after the night before the finish of the first weekend.
the first weekend away with the girl's Dom.
The plans are made,
the getaway waits for us to arrive.
Two cars,
two directions,
two arrivals,
one purpose.
To find the getaway in the countryside is the tricky part.
The 24 little hours to follow?
...exciting, nervous, wrapped in his need, his desire, his control, his use.
Our first 24 little start this day again.

photographer unknown

Thursday, July 11, 2013

What is weighing on your heart… right… now?

Thought I'd give it a go. From Luna K's submissive journal prompts.  I seem to have chosen a heavy place to start!

Weighing on my heart is my journey away from Non-Dom.
It's hurting my heart.
It weighs heavily as I move further into submission with Local D.
Non-Dom spins away from me. Circling but it seems not wanting to embrace me no matter how much I have begged him.
My heart feels the heaviness of years of restriction, of mistrust, of 'coping' and of managing the demons in him.
I 'm questioning whether the love is fading, dying, fighting for breath, gasping to breathe.

photographer unknown

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

her secret is out

My secret has been discovered.

I've been found out.

I was at work. I removed my ring (the little collar) and placed it on her desk to put on some hand cream.

My colleague's gaze caught the little silver collar. She picked it up her lips moving to the words, "That's lovely."

We lingered in each others gaze.

She knows, I thought.

Her crystal blue eyes smiled as they held my own hazel orbs.

I smiled and flushed looking down. "You are the first person ever to have seen it."

"No!" she said in an amazed expression.

I couldn't concentrate on my work, we laughed out loud together, a deliciously conspiratorial laugh .

No one else in the office understood the source or our amusement.

photographer unknown

Monday, July 8, 2013

what does Sir do with a bratty girl?

Now after a lot of consideration I have decided to go with this list. As you DO find it very hard to follow instructions I have decided that perhaps you need some incentive, something that may help you to follow orders.
(1) As you know you are always going to be bare for me unless I decide otherwise, this will start to include you not wearing a bra also.
(2) We have our rules about Friday but from now you will ask me if you can use nail polish, that's the requirement.
(3) We seem to have a problem with you not asking permission to cum. Now this rule is not negotiable in any way shape or form so from now if you do not ask me I will be forced to withdraw any treats I may have for you, including play.
(4) You seem to be not going to gym as promised. I do expect you to do this and if not you should have a very good reason.
(5) Touching from now on is considered a treat for you,this means you will earn it and any failure of the above rules will cancel that treat. I would expect a very lean time for you if things keep going as they are.
(6) Mr BUZZY is banned at this time until further notice.
"Yes Sir" she smiled.
photographer unknown