There is an anxiety when I do not think about things. Maybe I need more practice in not thinking.
What is over thinking? Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar! Is that what over thinking is, trying to understand the motivation of a cigar as it lay in its Habana box having been slowly rolled on the firm thigh of a Cuban virgin? Well after that experience what cigar wouldn't be motivated into action rather than inertia!
Over thinking for me is about understanding the why of a situation. Even if the answer is as simple (and as hot) as 'Because I can!'
For me, and I think this is lost on my instructors, if I understand the why, if I understand the meaning underpinning the action that is enough to accept the action. Not knowing, not understanding is an anxiety driver for me. Though the use of the word anxiety in this context is probably a little too heavy handed, that's at the heart of it. I am able to come to acceptance if I understand the meaning. It's just the way it works for me. If I didn't talk so much, no-one would even know I think about these things for every facet as I do because any conclusion I come to never impacts on another's decision to do what they do.
My powers of acceptance on a background of not knowing are being tested at this very moment I realise as I write.
Local D told me a piece of information last night as we chatted online. Right at the end of our conversation, an 'oh by the way I forgot to tell you' moment. It did concern me. I was concerned for him. However when I quizzed him for detail he declined to answer. Ever the tenacious little bitch I wouldn't let the bone go. I kept asking for detail which he was clearly not going to give me. I couldn't understand why, it was a simple question with a simple answer I would have thought. The refusal to answer had me build it all up in my head.
He ended the discussion with, 'Do as you're told!'
'Yes Sir,' I acquiesced, 'but I'm not happy.' (that will get me a slap.)
Why would he tell me half a piece of information if he didn't want me to know the full story. Not my business I concluded. Now however I am left to wonder, and I admit worry a bit about the scale of seriousness of the piece of information. Then again, if I did know the answer to my question, I would have no power to effect the outcome...none at all. We have separate lives.
Having said that, I am opening to him in ways I never thought I would and that scares me. So why is it, he is insistent he knows certain things about me when they pop up..the whole story so to speak, and yet I am denied reciprocity. There is a disparity in that which I don't understand. Maybe that's the point though, the acknowledgement of the disparity in our roles.
It's right about now I would would be told to stop over thinking!
|unknown photographer. source the internet|