Wednesday, February 27, 2013

sadness

 


Alone
lonely
melancholy
dark
sadness
depression
love
ending
no beginning
retreat
hiding
from everyone
xxx

Friday, February 15, 2013

the balance of ttwd

 
Squirrel posed a question on the previous post that as I finished replying to, I realise that it was as long as a post...so...
It is wonderful how you have balanced your need for D/s with your marriage. If it's not too intrusive, can I ask how your non-Dom hub feels about your time with Daddy? -Squirrel
I have thought about this a bit before replying.  I must say at the outset I am not having a passionate love affair with local D (who is, by the way a different man to Daddy). Ours was a considered partnership in the beginning (of course it has evolved since then). It was a defined dynamic based on revealing to each other our needs and our circumstances. We explained our limitations to each other (not in a D/s kind of way, but in our lives) and the impact of that on any play relationship we attempted. We were both very careful to mark out our boundaries with each other.

My boundaries were based entirely on family commitments and rules that Non-Dom Hub required me to observe in any dynamic I might seek. I have abided by his wishes. Local D agreed to them because they really quite fitted with what he was seeking in a sub girl. Over time, as I have travelled more deeply into trust, need and submission to Local D, I think these have become more difficult for me to adhere to, but I continue to do my very best. Local D will not allow a change in the rules unless it is a considered and mutually agreed approach to the change. He is the gatekeeper to my desire in a way. He also works to protect me and my relationship with Non-Dom Hub by not being the cause of any discord between me and Non-Dom. He simply ensures adherance to the rules.

Non-Dom has become more comfortable with me seeing another man over time. The trust has grown maybe. This is one aspect I DON'T overthink. I am just grateful for his trust and his permission to continue. I think the thing that helped in the beginning was that I had assured Non-Dom that he retained the power of veto..to say Stop. I am careful too not to tell Non-Dom the detail of my relationship with Local D. That's just something a partner doesn't need to know.

My relationship with Local D is built on mutual consent and agreed terms of reference. We revisit this occassionally as we go deeper into the emotional side of D/s and make known to each other where we stand. All in all it is a very grown up approach to this thing we do together. We are not destined to be together in any other way than we are at the moment. That has always been clear in both our minds from the beginning. I think Non Dom understands this and therefore is not threatened by Local D.

photographer unknown

Thursday, February 14, 2013

expand on this - soothed arse

 

Afterward as he soothed my abused bottom and tested my slickness with some personal pleasure


There were tears in my eyes as I began to beg for him to stop.
 
"That's not your word," he said as he brought the black platted leather down on my heated arse again.
 
"You need to say your word, that one won't work."
 
"I know" I said weakly, tears welling in my eyes, "I haven't said it because I don't want you to stop."
 
I felt him smile behind me as he began to run his hand over my arse soothing my tortured skin as it throbbed and stung and I fought to hold back the tears. I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude for his ministrations easing the pain as well as for ceasing the punishment, at least for a moment.
 
His hand slid between my thighs and his fingers curled to test his girls slickness. Sliding easily along my swollen slit, he was satisfied with what he found. He raised his finger to my lips, which always includes a silent instruction for my mouth to open and accept my own taste.

A sharp hard slap followed on my arse. His large hand sank into the pain that already resonated in my bottom, propelling me forward. An anguished breath escaped from my throat in the same moment.

He continued to abuse my bottom that day. He continued to pay it a lot of attention at many different times throughout our day together. By the end of the day my bottom was bruised and screamed for relief.

"I think we will leave your arse alone now."  I whinged that it was OK, it was sore, but OK. A small part of me felt relief  that 8 hours after he began to heat my arse, he had decided to stop.

 
photographer unknown, Sourced the intranet

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

the kiss of THAT flogger

An update on that flogger! The one I was so excited about...

I wish I had never seen it.
I wish I had never taken the picture with my phone.
I wish I had never sent it to him.
I wish I had never asked if he would like it.
I wish I had never wrapped it with a red ribbon,
I wish I had never handed it to him!

It was harsh, it was hard.
It didn't massage me and pummel me like his suede ones do!
It bit my flesh, it made me sweat, it made me scream and I cry out,

"How much longer Sir?" (Are we there yet the lil girl called from the back seat).

He didn't answer, he just went on. He knew it would be harsh.

Afterward as he soothed my abused bottom and tested my slickness with some personal pleasure, he said hot and low in my ear,

"Good Girl. (blessed words). This is something now you will just have to get used to. I like this one a lot."

Be VERY careful what you wish for L :)

photographer unknown

Monday, February 11, 2013

Obey me


A discussion over on  the blogs of Elder and Melinda in an ldr with each other sparked a comment from me that was inordinately long and really needed to be a posted here. It ought to come under the heading of  'What have you learned L'.

This is a really interesting discussion and I have been to read Melinda's post and the comments. I really do understand where she is coming from. I was floored to see how much alike we are. That needing to know, needing to understand things and it not being a challenge but a way to clarify.

What I took from her standing in the corner for 10 minutes, a small example but what I have learned is to just do it..find a corner that is not cluttered and do it. Given the same situation I would have, in the past said 'Yes Sir but... the corners have furniture in them'. For me this would have come from the need in me to do EXACTLY as I had been asked /told to do. To not let him down. If I couldn't stand in a corner exactly as he had described then this would have been letting him down and caused me great distress. It would make me feel like I was lying to him (and there is my need for honesty perverted). So in this situation I would ask for clarity. Maybe not asking in the right way...maybe I would ask in a way that seemed like a challenge to his authority when in fact, I am hoping that he will just make the directive do-able.

I have learned though that he is not a mind reader and I need to be clear..and best to leave the 'but' out.

'May I ask a question Sir?'

When the affirmative comes, tell him about the furniture, and 'May I pick another corner please?'

It works for me and it is my responsibility to temper my reaction to a directive that was causing me to panic because I couldn't see myself carrying out his instruction to the detail of how I assumed he was asking. It was about my perception that a directive must be followed to the letter with no room for movement (I am an incurable rule follower). Transfer this to any situation and I can see such similarities with Melinda's situation.

Daddy has worked long and hard to drill into my brain the concept of obedience. 'Obey me' is his catch-cry. Over time I am aware that I am beginning to get it. Then in real time when I meet with Local D, this is beginning to have the affect that I just crave to obey him. I don't want choice and anything that hints at choice is unsatisfying. I do respond better to 'Obey me' or 'Do it' than to, 'Would you like to...' (which lets face it, really means 'Do it'). Its just about the use and power of language I think.

I have learned not to sweat the small stuff. That if the corner is two feet away because of furniture to either find another corner or stand as close to the corner as possible. I have learned that it's not the corner in focus, but that what he's after is for me to obey. I firmly believe he doesn't give a monkey's about the corner, and that soothes my panic that I am not doing what he asks and fulfils his need to be obeyed.Yin and Yang.

photographer unknown

Saturday, February 9, 2013

slut tinkerbelle

He made me a present.
Some lovely bells with the most beautiful sweet song.
Hiding them in his hand, he handed them to me. The first thing I saw were the clover clamps! He made me a present attached to clover clamps! (Just who was this present for anyway).

I had said I had thought often about bells on my nipples but he took it a little further and instead of the tweezer clamps I had described, he had removed them and replaced them with Clover clamps.

"Look at the bells," he said as the smile stretched across my face mingled with the trepidation of the clamps.

I looked closely and on the small sweet sounding bells was my star sign.

"You sweet man!" I exclaimed. "Ummm ...Sir." 

"Put them on."  He commanded.

I stretched my nipples. First the right and then left and clamped the clover around it. It was painful but such a sweet sound.

He bent me over and began to beat my bottom. The ring echoed through the room each time his hand connected with my pinked-up arse and propelled me forward. I loved the sound. I was very excited and very touched at this gift. My star sign!

Then he had another idea and the bells were removed to the squeal of a girl with tortured, though delightfully musical, nipples.

"Spread your legs."

Oh my! I could see the nature of the beast in his eyes. He clamped one on each lip and the sound as I walked...delicious.

"Now did you say you needed to move your car?"

Oh my! He wouldn't! I was naked but for the bells.

"You can slip your dress on."

I looked at him with I'm sure an incredulous look. I have learned not to say exactly what I'm thinking all the time because he is very good at at turning everything to his advantage. Sometimes I feel like its a chess game, him and me locked in a battle of wits and will (and there goes the sub girl again..failing miserably).

"Off you go, quickly."

I hesitated.

"Don't you want to move your car? Or Don't you want to wear the bells?"

I admitted that I wanted to actually achieve both! So I walked through the street, ringing in the new year, as quickly as I could. I leaped into the front driver seat of the car. Just a note here ladies..never leap to a seated position with great swathes of metal hanging from your nether regions! A slow and graceful descent is what's needed in these situations.

I moved my car and alighting as quickly and quietly as I could, almost ran back to the safety of the room. Make no mistake, these bells are on the smaller side but they resonate like the bells of St Paul's Cathedral when they are hanging from my pussy!


nether bells

sexual availability and religiosity: submission 13 &14

Well I am powering through these today! and I have made a collaborative post of submissions 13 and 14  due in part to the short and sweet response to sexual availability and in part to submission fourteen's completely unanswerable quality in just a few lines!

13) Is sexual availability, being available to your partner any time he or she wants, part of your submission? Why or why not? Are there limits to this?

Yes to sexual availability, though sometimes the spirit is willing, flesh is weak...then sometimes the spirit feels her submission and the flesh just isn't following!

14) Does religion have any bearing on your decision to submit? If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?

For me? No bearing at all. Here's the shocker...I am an a-religious person but relish the belief systems of others and the expression of those belief systems in all their colour, vibrancy and meaning.

This is a another tricky one to answer and I suggest it is unanswerable. To answer would mean a generalisation on religiosity with regard to submission. An answer would require deep thought and response to this culturally complex question would be too superficial to answer in a paragraph. There is probably a PhD thesis in this question!

So here's a pretty picture instead...

Photographer Jamil Nasir. Sourced The Internet

Monday, February 4, 2013

friday floggers and fetish

Friday I will go to Local D.
He will shake it up..I have asked him, begged him to push me.

"I need you to control everything, I need you to make all the decisions with out fear or favour."

I am nervous and very excited. I need to break free. I am drowning in a life that isn't meeting my needs as a person, a woman or a girl. Local D  takes me away from that. He will push me further than he has before. There will be new implements and new toys and I will take him a present. I sent him a picture of it.

"Sir, look at what I have found..is this something you might like?"

After a series of texts, a phone call and a negotiation with the holder of the flogger, Sir sealed the deal and instructed me with,

"Get it."

So I have wrapped it with a red ribbon and will take it to him this Friday at the specified time (not a minute later). He is looking forward to stinging my arse with it. I need him to sting my arse with it. I am filled with excitement and trepidation. He will make sure I leave carrying his marks.

The flogger although supple, feels severe under my fingertips. I derive a certain macabre sense of excitement from knowing that I will take him the leather which will cause me more than a little discomfort as he wields it toward my tender flesh.

a present for Sir - photographer ...Me!

Sunday, February 3, 2013

you are overthinking again

I am told I over think, analyse..and I do, its like air for me. I need to understand or I can't breathe. I wonder if this is lost on my critics.

There is an anxiety when I do not think about things. Maybe I need more practice in not thinking.

What is over thinking?  Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar! Is that what over thinking is, trying to understand the motivation of a cigar as it lay in its Habana box having been slowly rolled on the firm thigh of a Cuban virgin?  Well after that experience what cigar wouldn't be motivated into action rather than inertia!

Over thinking for me is about understanding the why of a situation. Even if the answer is as simple (and as hot) as 'Because I can!'

For me, and I think this is lost on my instructors, if I understand the why, if I understand the meaning underpinning the action that is enough to accept the action. Not knowing, not understanding is an anxiety driver for me. Though the use of the word anxiety in this context is probably a little too heavy handed, that's at the heart of it. I am able to come to acceptance if I understand the meaning. It's just the way it works for me. If I didn't talk so much, no-one would even know I think about these things for every facet as I do because any conclusion I come to never impacts on another's decision to do what they do.

My powers of acceptance on a background of not knowing are being tested at this very moment I realise as I write.

Local D told me a piece of information last night as we chatted online. Right at the end of our conversation, an 'oh by the way I forgot to tell you' moment. It did concern me. I was concerned for him. However when I quizzed him for detail he declined to answer. Ever the tenacious little bitch I wouldn't let the bone go. I kept asking for detail which he was clearly not going to give me. I couldn't understand why, it was a simple question with a simple answer I would have thought. The refusal to answer had me build it all up in my head.

He ended the discussion with, 'Do as you're told!'

'Yes Sir,' I acquiesced, 'but I'm not happy.' (that will get me a slap.)

Why would he tell me half a piece of information if he didn't want me to know the full story. Not my business I concluded. Now however I am left to wonder, and I admit worry a bit about the scale of seriousness of the piece of information. Then again, if I did know the answer to my question, I would have no power to effect the outcome...none at all. We have separate lives.

Having said that, I am opening  to him in ways I never thought I would and that scares me. So why is it, he is insistent he knows certain things about me when they pop up..the whole story so to speak, and yet I am denied reciprocity. There is a disparity in that which I don't understand. Maybe that's the point though, the acknowledgement of the disparity in our roles.

It's right about now I would would be told to stop over thinking!

unknown photographer. source the internet