Sunday, January 6, 2013

more questions than answers

Monkey! you ought to be congratulated on your post.
The thing that has struck me most significantly in blog land have been declarations of love (if that is what this post is about). I want to say quite clearly I am not sitting in judgement of people who do declare love especially in the less traditional situations of LDR's or online only relationships..I just don't get it. I don't get how people..and I admit I have mostly seen it on submissive blogs...declare love in an LDR / online relationship. I am more than aware of the warm fuzzies..hell yeah! I have said I love you Daddy. Daddy is so LDR /online only it is MORE than likely we will never meet. But I don't understand how the intensity of the online BDSM love affair can be taken for love in the way I understand love. Maybe aside from the rationale you have touched on monkey, there is a need to feel loved, really loved, by the person we give everything to. I know there is in me. I suspect too there is also a huge gap between the adequacy of the and love. 'Like' is often inadequate to express how I feel about someone in the intensity of our connection and there is nothing to fill in on the continuum between 'like' and 'love'!
..and so I said on Monkeys blog post. She had so many salient points I would encourage anyone to go and have a read.

For me to be told I love you in the forum of the online world is difficult for me to grasp. I tend to skip over it. I think to myself how can that be, he doesn't know me. He doesn't actually know what a pain in the arse, whining li'l cow I am. He only gets the good bits of me. The human frailty of a nagging, needy woman, well I leave those pieces of me out. Not even Local D sees those bits! So is there an inauthentic bent to this world, the world where he doesn't see the real me. I think so.  I can afford to give him only the good bits because I know that this will never be a relationship with a life lived together, in the same timezone, with shared bills and family. Even if I do whinge and whine and expose the not so tolerable bits of me. It is still not his responsibility. He listens, he is kind but he cannot 'fix' anything and it is not his responsibility to do so. He has become a friend, probably more than he will ever realise. I love him in that friendship. I don't understand how that love though can translate to commitment and love in the way that husband and wife / partners experience love. Maybe I understand that sort of love as carrying a measure of responsibility for each other that is improbable in the online only D/s world.

I should qualify, that I am talking from the viewpoint of a woman not free to love another.
Commitment with partner and family stops me from throwing everything into the mix and allowing me to embrace the romantic love that Monkey talks about. Men too have wives and commitments that would prevent that kind of love taking a hold.

In these circumstances I have often wondered if these connections made under the umbrella of D/s are just an excuse for another kind of infidelity, if indeed fidelity inside a relationship is an agreed parameter.

Whatever the argument, we are all seeking love and nurturing, and the workings of the human heart are complex and bloody messy!

unknown artist


  1. I haven't read monkey's post, but will do so in a moment. I completely agree. I am often puzzled about how it is possible to fall in love with someone you either haven't met or who you barely know. As i have mentioned a few times on my blog though, it is possible in a particularly highly charged moment to believe in the romance of love. Of course real love and commitment is much more complicated. Good post L xx

    1. hi Joolz..thats it isn't those highly charge moments..I think our mothers would hae said thats lust talking girl!

  2. A few years ago I was one of those people that was convinced they were in love with their online Dom. We tried to bring it real life from Second Life. This was my first BDSM experience. It was incredible at first, then after a few months I became "too real" for him. I learned he preferred fantasy to messy reality. I've finally moved on and am in a happy relationship. But this was undoubtedly the worst mistake I made. I felt so foolish once I was able to surface from the sub daze I was in. It was frightening to realize I would have done anything for him, for this man that had no feeling for me and was constantly mindfucking me. He was a sociology prof at the time and a certified counselor -(and a suspected sociopath ) I was way in over my head. For me, I think what caused me to overlook commonsense was I that I so badly wanted to be someone's and I didn't think that would happen for me. In my case there was no love, no trust, it was a year long farce of me trying to be a sub to a man that would rather Dom behind a Second Life cartoon.

    1. Hello Anon and welcome
      thank you so much for sharing this part of your life. I am most definitely not an expert but I suspect that many a genuine Dom would label your Sociology Professor as a wannabe and a dangerous man for any vulnerable sub girl or boy. It is a lesson learned if nothing else. Good luck in the future. There are real Dom men about..I think we have a responsibility to be cautious and protect ourselves until the proof of the pudding is made a clear and irrefutable truth.


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