There is nothing.
I am just in a dreamy place at the moment. After not playing, after suffering under an 'adrift' feeling for a couple of months I went to Local D and spent 12 hours being punished, pushed, hurt and loved.
I laughed more than once as I confessed to him, "I like it when you hurt me, Sir." I also cringed at the words falling out of my mouth.
"Please Sir, slap me, sting me, hurt me."
I have safe words. I have said before that I think it is my responsibility to have them and be prepared to use them. Preparedness to use safe words are the part I play in protecting him. I have used one only once, in my first session with D, in my first play time ever. I used a 'slow down' word. I had begun to panic and I used it. He didn't slow...he stopped. I have since learned that he seems to understand me better than I do myself. I never would have thought that could happen but he has shown that time and again. He understands where I am and when I am not coping with something he is subjecting me to even before I realise it myself. It surprises me when he stops. It shocks me when he rapidly releases me from whatever bindings he has chosen. Then in the release, I realise a sense of relief that tells me that I had not been coping, that panic had begun to rise. He most decidedly does not like it when I struggle. It is not often, but it has happened.
I have never used the safe words again. I have never felt I had to use them. I have been close. I have thought about it, "Do I need to?..don't I? Bugger this is getting hard! Should I? Shouldn't I?" The internal dialogue is distracting. Local D and I continue to learn about each other. I know he hasn't pushed like he'd like to. I know he treats me like a princess. I know he is cautious with me. It is difficult to convince him to do otherwise. He needs to be assured about my capacity to endure. We do not share a life together outside this space and that is a barrier to rapid progress in a D/s dynamic such as ours. Progress must be slow and measured. I understand that. Sometimes though I am concerned that I don't give him what makes him happy. I want to give him what he needs to be happy.
After he had hurt me, slapped me, made me sting, made me sweat, denied me and allowed me, I was rewarded with massage (he gives the most stunning and sexy massages!)..more cumming, bread and cheese and wine.
Exhausted, I rested in his arms, dozing in the early evening. Then it was time to return to my life.
|unknown photographer: sourced from the internet|