Sunday, January 20, 2013

30 days (over a year!) submission 12


I admit to being fairly tired of this exercise, probably for the reason that I am struggling through the reality of my own experience at the moment. So why not give up? Well I have a real problem with giving up, throwing in the towel. I am tenacious at best, intransigent at worst. Submitting to Local D is a journey and there is negotiation with each phase. As a failed sub girl I engage in negotiation, I wonder why he tolerates it. Surely it would be better for him to find someone who would submit to him completely, without question, without fear? There are some bumps in the road..more on that later.
So....

12) Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?

LOL...I am the accountant around here! I am not entirely sure how financial submission works and I suspect that it works in only certain circumstances in this day and age. There are too many highly educated women among us earning the bucks, maybe even taking the lead in running the financial life of the family (dare I say it). The concept that this area of life is not shared is foreign to me and would be difficult for me to submit too. Having said that, I don't really understand it and I always have a problem with submitting when I don't understand.

I would be interested to hear the opinions and experiences out there, what do others find works for them in this area?

photographer unknown. Source the Internet

Friday, January 11, 2013

bdsm bitch

Its all a rush..
collar, cuffs,
There is wax that burned my flesh, hot and steady.
Breath play
There is clamping, nipples and...oh dear my sexy lady bits! hung from the chains that traverse the room.
Weighted and vibrated.

There are wooden pegs,
plastic pegs, ripped from my skin in the moment he let me cum.
When I think about it in these terms there was torture.
My flesh tortured and teased.

There is restraint
There is breast binding and flogging.
There is spanking and cumming and slapping.
There are tears,
begging,
pain,
pleasure...so much pleasure!

Damn there was BDSM!


photograper unknown, source the Internet

.

deeper into D

I am trying to think of something witty and interesting to say, or maybe something sexy.

There is nothing.

I am just in a dreamy place at the moment. After not playing, after suffering under an 'adrift' feeling for a couple of months I went to Local D and spent 12 hours being punished, pushed, hurt and loved.

I laughed more than once as I confessed to him, "I like it when you hurt me, Sir."  I also cringed at the words falling out of my mouth.

"Please Sir, slap me, sting me, hurt me."

I have safe words. I have said before that I think it is my responsibility to have them and be prepared to use them. Preparedness to use safe words are the part I play in protecting him. I have used one only once, in my first session with D, in my first play time ever.  I used a 'slow down' word. I had begun to panic and I used it. He didn't slow...he stopped. I have since learned that he seems to understand me better than I do myself. I never would have thought that could happen but he has shown that time and again. He understands where I am and when I am not coping with something he is subjecting me to even before I realise it myself. It surprises me when he stops. It shocks me when he rapidly releases me from whatever bindings he has chosen. Then in the release, I realise a sense of relief that tells me that I had not been coping, that panic had begun to rise. He most decidedly does not like it when I struggle. It is not often, but it has happened.

I have never used the safe words again. I have never felt I had to use them. I have been close. I have thought about it, "Do I need to?..don't I? Bugger this is getting hard! Should I? Shouldn't I?" The internal dialogue is distracting. Local D and I continue to learn about each other. I know he hasn't pushed like he'd like to. I know he treats me like a princess. I know he is cautious with me. It is difficult to convince him to do otherwise. He needs to be assured about my capacity to endure. We do not share a life together outside this space and that is a barrier to rapid progress in a D/s dynamic such as ours. Progress must be slow and measured. I understand that. Sometimes though I am concerned that I don't give him what makes him happy. I want to give him what he needs to be happy.

After he had hurt me, slapped me, made me sting, made me sweat, denied me and allowed me, I was rewarded with massage (he gives the most stunning and sexy massages!)..more cumming, bread and cheese and wine.

Exhausted, I rested in his arms, dozing in the early evening. Then it was time to return to my life.



unknown photographer: sourced from the internet







Tuesday, January 8, 2013

the wait is over!

Tomorrow!!!
 
Finally it has been months and the girl is so needy she could scream.
 
Hit me, beat me, whip me.
 
12hrs of bliss!
 
Jumping with excitment
 
Wet with anticipation
 
Preparing my body for him
 
Preparing my mind for him
 
Just to be with him, under him.
 
His hand.
 
My throat.
 
Connected.



photographer unknown, source the Internet

Monday, January 7, 2013

car park slap

They shared a drink.

"Remove your panties, I shouldn't need to remind you."

"Here?" she looked around the crowded pub. She knew she could do it. She had done it before.

He allowed her to go to the bathroom. On her return as she sat she lifted her dress fleetingly for inspection. He noticed everything, she knew he would not miss the glimpse of her bare pubis.

At the table she begged him to slap her. She pulled at his large thumb, beckoning the palm toward her face. He tolerated it. He smiled. The smile was a little unusual. A knowing smile.

Later they walked to the car park.

Before she walked to her car he caught her. He pushed her back against the car. His fist twisting in her hair, he made her breathless with the swiftness of his attack on her cheek. Her breath was catapulted from her lungs, her face gave way under his hand, strands of her loose curls that escaped his grasp followed in the direction of the slap. For a moment she stood stunned. His body pressed against her, she could feel his hardness responding to her as he began to physically take control of his girl. In the instant she realised what had happened she looked up to him, a smile stretching across her mouth invited another and another and another still, until tears began to well in her eyes.

He turned her by her hair, pressing her against the car. One hand held her wrists to the roof of the Ute the other lifted her dress and swiftly slapped the cheeks of her bottom. Then as he plunged his fingers inside her he whispered hot and slow in her ear "The little slut is dripping for me."

She was capable of only a moan, all power of speech had left her, she had been waiting for this all the evening.



photographer unknown. Source: the Internet

Sunday, January 6, 2013

more questions than answers

Monkey! you ought to be congratulated on your post.
The thing that has struck me most significantly in blog land have been declarations of love (if that is what this post is about). I want to say quite clearly I am not sitting in judgement of people who do declare love especially in the less traditional situations of LDR's or online only relationships..I just don't get it. I don't get how people..and I admit I have mostly seen it on submissive blogs...declare love in an LDR / online relationship. I am more than aware of the warm fuzzies..hell yeah! I have said I love you Daddy. Daddy is so LDR /online only it is MORE than likely we will never meet. But I don't understand how the intensity of the online BDSM love affair can be taken for love in the way I understand love. Maybe aside from the rationale you have touched on monkey, there is a need to feel loved, really loved, by the person we give everything to. I know there is in me. I suspect too there is also a huge gap between the adequacy of the words..like and love. 'Like' is often inadequate to express how I feel about someone in the intensity of our connection and there is nothing to fill in on the continuum between 'like' and 'love'!
..and so I said on Monkeys blog post. She had so many salient points I would encourage anyone to go and have a read.

For me to be told I love you in the forum of the online world is difficult for me to grasp. I tend to skip over it. I think to myself how can that be, he doesn't know me. He doesn't actually know what a pain in the arse, whining li'l cow I am. He only gets the good bits of me. The human frailty of a nagging, needy woman, well I leave those pieces of me out. Not even Local D sees those bits! So is there an inauthentic bent to this world, the world where he doesn't see the real me. I think so.  I can afford to give him only the good bits because I know that this will never be a relationship with a life lived together, in the same timezone, with shared bills and family. Even if I do whinge and whine and expose the not so tolerable bits of me. It is still not his responsibility. He listens, he is kind but he cannot 'fix' anything and it is not his responsibility to do so. He has become a friend, probably more than he will ever realise. I love him in that friendship. I don't understand how that love though can translate to commitment and love in the way that husband and wife / partners experience love. Maybe I understand that sort of love as carrying a measure of responsibility for each other that is improbable in the online only D/s world.

I should qualify, that I am talking from the viewpoint of a woman not free to love another.
Commitment with partner and family stops me from throwing everything into the mix and allowing me to embrace the romantic love that Monkey talks about. Men too have wives and commitments that would prevent that kind of love taking a hold.

In these circumstances I have often wondered if these connections made under the umbrella of D/s are just an excuse for another kind of infidelity, if indeed fidelity inside a relationship is an agreed parameter.

Whatever the argument, we are all seeking love and nurturing, and the workings of the human heart are complex and bloody messy!

unknown artist



Saturday, January 5, 2013

pouty sub girl

I became pouty today!
REALLY pouty.
A heartfelt pouty tinged, well perhaps vividly coloured, with annoyance.

This brattishness was zeroed squarely at it's target; Local D.

I have spoken recently of life's complexities keeping us apart. His work, my life.
In the last week or so I have felt an unashamed need growing in me. I feel tears welling in my eyes I am so needy.

Trying to find a space to see him is driving me insane with need. I have never been demanding on his time or his attention, but today...the brat came out and she was not the girl I like. I always tell him he owes me nothing. In honesty its my barrier, to keep him at arms length. Not very sub like..but I am not the perfect sub girl, if indeed I am a sub girl at all.  We have our own commitments and those must come first...sluts come last. Today though I pouted, I might have even stomped my foot.

The need in me to be taken in hand is out of control, boiling point has been passed and a nuclear reaction is on the cards.

photo:Steven Andres. Source: Internet












Thursday, January 3, 2013

the art of lost submission and overwhelming odds - Update

Update..

photographer unknown.
Source: Internet
Opening the page for the first time in a few weeks.
Life is still in imbalance and disarray.
Babygirl steps. So I picked up my camera, I collected shells on the beach with the sun on my skin.

A resolution..yes I have made a resolution and put it on the google map! LOL

'Be happy' it says. The resolution assumes I am in charge of my own emotional wellbeing.

I can view the glass half full and not half empty. I have the choice to take the positive from things. I have a responsibility to do it.

I have the choice to take off my panties..or not.

I chose to obey. Local D is back. Life's complexities mean we haven't 'seen' each other (transalation: no spank, slap, sting). I need that right now...next week he says.



                                                                                          

8/12/2012

I am thinking of quitting, of stopping here.
I notice that when things are really bad I can't write anyway.

No sleep, no creative juices.
I take my camera with me but don't point it and shoot.
Its simple, I can't write, I can't take pictures, I can't play, I can't paint..and I can't dance in the rain.

It seems pointless to carry on with this forum when it's purpose is to reflect whats in me and right now there's nothing i want to revisit!

I am back to square one in the submission stakes.
Panties firmly in place.
I am feeling trapped and very very alone.

To say anything else right now seems pointless.

x L