Friday, October 26, 2012

need, desire, trust

There is a feeling growing in me that I want and need to give Local D everything of me. There is also a feeling of frustration at my inability to do so. I am just not brave enough to go against what Non-Dom expects and trusts me to do. I am not brave enough to go against what Non-Dom and I have agreed and the terms under which he is allowing me to see D. I am embarrassed to say what I want. But there is a feeling growing in me that D is not getting what he may need from me though he denies this. I have never met such a patient man. So much self-control. I have begged him, in the heat of the moment for things he and I have not agreed upon. I have pushed my face so hard into his groin in absolute unadulterated need, lust and want.
 
He has never even come close to answering my begging. He says it will never happen unless we have revisited our agreement. In that way he exhibits the highest sense of integrity. When I started this journey some three or so years ago, the first thing I thought I learned was about the nature of male sexuality. I embraced it, loved it and finally felt I understood it. I came to the conclusion that men were purely sexual beings. But the one thing I didn't understand is a man's ability of self control. I don't know if all men have this in them, but Local D has always impressed me with his, at least once I came to recognise it. It took me a while to understand this fundamental sense of self control was present in him. I guess I feel in the moment I can safely beg him to do things to me, and I do mean beg, forbidden by our agreement knowing that part of my brain is thinking, 'no no no ...I'm not allowed to do it'. In that moment I feel safe in the knowledge that he is strong enough for both of us, not to cross that line.
I really wish I wasn't a woman who cared about Non-Dom's wishes and I could do these things. I have never been a prude. But when it come to these things, I feel an overwhelmingly dramatic sense of guilt underpinned by my commitment to Non-Dom. I hate that.
 
I read a woman's blog here in blog land. She is amazingly like me. I have read her from her first post. Her career path, her life path: I swear we have been separated at birth. One difference? She does not appear to be having much sex with her hub (I think) and she IS having amazing all-in sex with her Dom she found about 6 months ago. I envy her that.
Non-Dom trusts me. Trust has been a shaky piece of ground over the last few years. We have worked hard to trust each other again. I don't think it will ever be blind trust like I had before, but there is trust again. I love him and as much as there are gaping holes in my fulfilment, the love is the thing that encourages me not to break the trust. I have already skirted the boundary and dipped my toe on the other side. Non-Dom would not approve at all of what I have allowed with Local D.
photographer unknown. Source: Internet

4 comments:

  1. I think when it is all said and done the most important thing is to be true to yourself and to your needs. I would encourage you though as much as possible in doing so to minimize the lying to others.

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    Replies
    1. Sir J. Thank you.
      Sometimes being true to myself is the most confusing aspect of TTWD (for me), but I will try. I don't lie well. Untruth doesn't sit well with me. Honesty is central to who I am.I'd make an abysmal criminal. I don't lie (though I am human) and it hurts me when I am lied to. As you can imagine this has caused me some trouble over the years. I have learned to lie by ommission, but even this is difficult for me. I have a secret right now which has me bursting at the seems. I subscribe to the theory that a problem shared is a problem halved, but sometimes my secrets could create a problem where previously a problem did not exist. So I am guilty of practicing the ostridge effect...lol.Head down, bum up! hmmmm a new name for a favourite position maybe.

      L

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  2. Hi L. This is quite a post. It deserves an email.

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