Sunday, September 23, 2012

patience

 I was very excited to get an email  from within blog land in which my correspondent described how they admired that I found a solution; a way for Non-Dom to accept the presence of a Dom in my life. I do agree, I have been fortunate.  I would be unable to do this in secrecy. The guilt would sap all enjoyment for me. I have never 'cheated' on Non-Dom though seriously at times I could not have been blamed for doing so!

Life is complicated isn't it? We all have needs and desires and it's how we acknowledge them and have them sated that is the real dilemma.

Much of my social world requires that monogamy be held up as a basic pillar. This often doesn't fit well with the desires ordinary people find inside themselves. The trick is to answer them without hurting anyone else.

I have limits determined by my Non-Dom hub. I am not allowed to engage in certain activities with my Dom which makes it hard sometimes. Local D and I met at a time when he had another girl. He was seeking someone to supplement his experience with her as she was away for extended periods of time. So really I was only ever meant to be a stand-in. A body to replace hers when she was unavailable. This suited me. I didn't want any emotional entanglements, and I didn't want to be relied on to be His sub in case it interfered with my relationship with Non-Dom, which is a delicate balance at the best of times.

The limits placed upon me by Non-Dom were agreeable to local D as he had no need for the things that I was asked not to do. Further Non-Dom has always had the right of veto. If he turned around tomorrow and said, "Stop seeing him", I would be bound to stop. In this way Local D and I play together but the level of commitment to each other that I see in other relationships here in blog land is somewhat muted (I think). He views me as his girl outside the room and inside it. The practicalities however of our separate lives and my relationship with Non-Dom mean that sense of belonging is less than it would be if I were able to commit to him completely. I am aware that this would not be for everyone in the all or nothing world view of D/s, but that's where a girl has to take what she can get and what she gets is actually more than she ever dreamed possible.

I see this as a progressive and developing relationship though and as with all boundaries and limitations, I think they will expand and wear down in the fullness of time. I am nothing if not a patient girl.

via ruero.com, photographer pictured ;)
 
 

Friday, September 21, 2012

need

I really don't even know where to start or if I should.
The things I did. The things I allowed and the things I wanted.
I want too much.
I want beyond the limits place on me by both me and Non-Dom.

photographer unknown. Source: Internet

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Whip

Now we know that my relationship with local D is about play.
He has been 'soft' with me...his words not mine..but yes I agree. We laugh a lot together and I admit I really don't know what darkness might fill his mind.

I was adamant that this softness as he described it was not some sort of failure or mistake. I am aware that he has been gentle with me. He has been this way because I am new to this game. I am aware he didn't want to overwhelm me or scare me away. I admit though I am keen for him to step it up a notch or two. How he does that without losing what we have I am not sure.

So yesterday we were chatting online and he asked the question,

"How much do you trust me, honestly?"

I took this to mean how much do I trust him with my well being, when he is in charge of me physically.

"Implicitly" and I have to say I do. I have every confidence that he will hit me, beat me, whip me and I will come out the other side relatively unscathed. Bruises and marks notwithstanding. They will fade.

Then he began to talk about the whip. Now this would be new. A whip. Crack that whip!

"How would you feel about the whip?"

I jumped at the opportunity is the reaction I had. I have never really given it much thought before because he had earlier said it was too much for this lil chick. Well the delicious little whore was getting excited for a lot of unusual reasons. I have learned I am not a pain slut, so why would I be excited about the whip? I have learned I am a slut for control. I need to be overwhelmed with pure unadulterated strength. Unfortunately Local D likes the odd bit of pain, to inflict it. Here is where he has been easy on me. He knows I don't appear to get off on pain in and of itself. As part of a very hard flogging. As part of a slap and spank..oh yes please. But it is not the reason I get wet. It is being held down and controlled that is the clincher for me.

So this leads to my questions around the whip. I am led to believe that the whip is harsh and painful. In fact he says he wants to move to the whip because I can take all he can give with the flogger (apparently - mental note to self...scream more!). I got all excited at the thought of the whip. I keep saying I want to try everything. The girl doesn't know what she doesn't know. I have begged him, implored him to pull everything out of his bag of tricks. His reply...

"Be careful what you wish for."

So now I'm excited and nervous...more nervous...but very very excited.

I'm excited! Unknown Photographer. Source: the Intranet

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

something has to change

Well I'm sick!
No really sick..I have got the flu for the second time this winter. There are a couple of strains and I didn't get the vaccination for the one that was available.

I have generously shared it with the family and am officially sick of myself.

Life has conspired to make me quite miserable at the moment. I am unhealthy and unhappy. Work is the thorn in my lion's paw and really getting me down. Impossible deadlines and too much on my plate for me to deliver the outcomes needed..let alone the one's I'd like to deliver. I have seriously considering leaving though I have to admit I haven't got the energy to excel at finding an alternative and winning it, let alone doing a good job once I did win it! Work-life balance has suffered for a while (even though I am part-time), and I am doing a bad job in all aspects of my life (mothering, worker, wife, daughter). The only part of me that seems to be working is the no strings, no responsibility slut!

The other part of my life spinning out of control is my fitness. Gym has been a couple of times a week if that, and I know that it will take me forever to get back into it as I recover from this bout of illness. I want to be fitter. Maybe heading into summer this will be easier to achieve. There is a certain melancholy that has bubbled over me holding me down a little this Winter. That has to change.

Something has to change.

photographer unknown. Source: the Internet

Monday, September 17, 2012

spoiled girl

I am sitting here reading blogs waiting for Local D to come online. A message from him said he would be here.

I have been sick this past week and a half and I have missed our contact. I am still not feeling particularly sexy and I am now looking after other members of my family with whom I have so generously shared my disease. BUT...I am waiting, sooky, for my Local D to come online.

While I wait and outside this time, I have felt the tension building. He is going away soon and circumstance means I probably won't meet with him before he goes away. He will be out of contact save for a few text messages. I am aware that I am going to hate this! There is a balance to me when I am able to see him. To receive my fix, my dose.

Most would advise that he leave me with something to be going on with (kneeling, kowtow or any manner of exercises designed to help me maintain my place). Grrrrrrr!

We had avoided these things. They have been tried but now avoided (not my decision). My very real problem as I see it, is the loss of his control. It's his touch I need. His firm hand. I have got out of the habit of following instructions not delivered in person. Our relationships mean that we have been very careful not to cross a line which may play into the lives of the significant others. There are barriers between us borne of this awareness. It is not a perfect D/s relationship, but it has worked for us, for the moment. Losing access to him for a relatively long period of time feels almost tragic. We have made an effort to see each other fortnightly though with illness and life this sometimes doesn't work. I was due to go to him this week though current circumstance says that this won't be happening. It is likely then that I will not see him now until December but with holiday festivities it's more likely to be the end of January.


unknown photographer. Source: Internet

Sunday, September 16, 2012

whats a girl to do without a slap?

OK..I'm back and I have something to say.

I am not looking forward to this..

I am panic stricken!

I don't now how to survive between now and December without His slap!

I will die! (ever the drama queen :)

I will shrivel, end up in tears, kicking my feet....pouty.

I need to be slapped and often.

Hub (sweet man) suggested a temping agency when I told him Local D was going away. With my tongue planted firmly in my cheek I said I'd ask Local D for his recommendation. Can you imagine? A recommended stand-in, an understudy, would have to be bloody good to compare!

I do appreciate you,
your skill,
your patience.
Not really understanding what was good skill and what was not in the beginning, it has only dawned on me over time how lucky I am to have found you. To have found a man with your experience and skill.

I am a very lucky girl indeed.

But shit Sir!!!! What will I do without your control...without your slap for so long?

What's a girl to do?

photographer unknown. source: the Internet






Sunday, September 9, 2012

a D session (part three)

Minutes ran by her.

Sweat beaded on her brow and between her breasts.

He had not allowed her to cum. Her predicament amusing Him too much. She always looked at her most precious when her face was contorted in need. The buzz of the magic wand on her clit made her needy in a way that showed most clearly in her eyes.

He watched her,  kneeling hogtied in front of Him, the crop shaft between her teeth supporting the metal rings that pulled on the clover nipple clamps. Her nipples and breasts stretched, twisted and pulled with each back thrust of her neck as her eyes rolled and travelled to the ceiling. The ecstasy of her slut pussy driving her writhing as she tried desperately not to cum without His say so.

He got hard watching His slut as she tried to master her predicament. As she wriggled and squirmed. Tension building quickly in her slut cunt and whore body. She was so beautiful and becoming more so with each time He had her.

He could see her coming close, it didn't take long with this tool. Her cunt ached for it. Wet for it. Was a whore for it. He slid His large rough fingers between the black leather collar and her soft flesh. He had only recently placed the collar on her. She had not been easy to 'collar' even though it was just for play. She had been nervous of the power of this small piece of leather. She had come to it over time and He had been very patient, almost too patient He thought to Himself. He wanted to explore this lilone though and He knew she was skittish. She had needed the time He gave her to trust Him. His patience was rewarded with her submission to Him. Though He remained cautious and He had not pushed her as far as He might until now, she met His challenges each time. She had not only acquiesced to His demands but she went further, driven not by her conscious mind, but pushed by her visceral need. She was hungry, insatiable and unashamed. She was perfect.

She was building, becoming desperate, drooling with the crop shaft between her teeth. He knew she'd hate that. She struggled with the acceptance of the loss of control over her body entirely. He knew any moment she would make a decision that He would not like. He loved it when she gave Him an excuse. Then it happened, the crop fell from her teeth pulling with it the chains that lead to her swollen nipples. The shaft was blocked from its inevitable descent by His forearm as he worked the wand into her slut pussy. Their eyes met. Hers filled with trepidation at the unknown consequence of a failed instruction. His told a story of a satisfaction that filled her with foreboding. He threw her backwards clasping the collar tightly in His fingers. She let out a gasp and a whimper as the paraphernalia attached to her nipples pulled and twisted in tortuous climax. He brought her to a sudden holt inches from the floor. Her back arched and her cunt exposed to Him for His pleasure, His rag doll whore could barely contain herself. She was losing all ability to control anything of herself . She gave in, fell, she was His in that moment.

"Pleasepleaseplease. May I cum. Please?" She pleaded with Him. Not really knowing how she would stop the energy escaping her cunt if He disallowed it's relief.

"Please what?" His calm slow voice drove her desperation.

"PleaseSirmayIcumnow?" Tears welling in her pleading eyes.

"CUM!"

The fury washed over her and through her. He body, arched back and supported only by His strong arm contorted in it's ecstasy. His hand slid to her clenching pink flesh, pushing into her as she clenched around him. She screamed her ecstasy to Him. She was His in every way in that moment. She loved Him, worshipped Him, needed Him and His command in every part of her existence and fibre. Tears flooded her eyes as He pulled her forward like the rag doll she had become. His control, His embrace, His voice, His girl.

"good girl."


photographer unknown, source:intranet






Wednesday, September 5, 2012

a D session (part two)

He sat on the chair. She stood in front of him. One heeled foot at a time she placed her foot on the chair just millimeters from his groin. One by one he strapped the cuffs on her ankles.

"On your knees."

She knelt in front of Him and offered her wrists. Left then right to receive their bindings. He picked up the black leather collar with red stitching. It had a perfectly round silver gleaming metal O ring in front. She had come to call this her collar, accepting it as hers over the last few months.  She had resisted it at first, not entirely sure about her own submission. Now during these times she felt naked without it, without her pretty collar. She bowed her head as he wrapped it around her neck buckling it behind her. Not too tightly. He preferred to be able to slide his fingers between the collar and her neck. He was able to exert more than enough physical control over her that way. On her knees she climaxed for him and he'd easily throw her backward arching her back and her torso, bringing her to a sudden and jolting stop as he prevented her from falling to the ground with a strong hand slipped between her soft flesh and her collar.

Now she knelt before him hogtied, her wrists cuffed to her ankles. She looked expectantly into his eyes. He reached into his bag and  pulled from it the things she hated the most; clover clamps hung with a short chain and a ring on each end and the stingy crop. Then he pulled out the thing she loved most, the buzzy magic wand that made her come within seconds of him applying it to her slut pussy. Fear and delight filled her in one moment.

In silence he took one nipple at a time between his fingers attacking them with the bite of the clamp. The pain shot through each breast. Her nipples were hard even though she hated the clamps. She was never very good with nipple clamps...well they just hurt.

"I was 2 minutes late, really only 1 minute, but by the time you opened the door it was 2." she pouted.

"What did My watch tell you honey, when I showed it to you?"

"It showed me 3 minutes past the time You said"

"..and what is 3 minus 2 honey?"

"One Sir,"

"So either way honey, you were still late."

His logic made no sense to her. She pouted. The slap came hard and fast across her cheek. A gasp escaped her but she could feel herself wet in an instant. She steadied herself as he threaded the rings that hung on the end of each clamped nipple with the shaft of the crop. Her eyes widened and a small smile travelled across her face joining the glint in her bright eyes.

He raised the crop carefully. She could feel the torture on her sensitive nipples just the same.

"Open your mouth."

She opened, at once becoming aware of what he was doing. He placed the crop shaft between her teeth.

"Hold it."

He picked up the buzzy wand and held it to her cheek.

"Now, you will hold the shaft in your mouth, you will not drop it and My girl, you will not come."

He flicked the switch, and pressed the vibrating magic to her wet cunt. Her neck arched back with the feeling she could barely contain, pulling on the clamps with a searing pain through her nipples.

She knew she would try everything not to be late in the future...or maybe not she smiled to herself.





phtographer unknown: source-internet

Monday, September 3, 2012

a D session (part one)

She walked quickly from the car to the door, knocking as she balanced to put her follow me, fuck me black patent peep toe pumps on her feet. A less than graceful act but one repeated the world over by women with car-to-bar shoes in their wardrobe.

She was aware that she was late, only by a little but He had been very clear. Not a minute early, not a minute late. She was a minute late and as she waited for Him to open the door she noticed that minute turned to two minutes.

He greeted her as always, happy to see her, complimenting her about her dress, the brightness in her face and her beauty.

Once inside he held his watch up to her eyes.

"What does that read Honey?"

"10:18 Sir."

"You are late, 3 minutes late."

"Yes Sir, the traffic..."

He smiled a quiet smile. The kind of smile that made her a little nervous.

"Turn around, let me see you."

He liked what he saw, she had come dressed a little more conservatively today, no corset and her dress reached just to her knee, but she was always pleasingly sexy in her curvature.

As she turned she bent over from the hips, parted her legs and lifted her dress to show him her bare arse. He immediately spanked her bottom propelling her forward so hard that she had to put her hands out to the couch in front of her to steady herself. He loved to see the flesh of her butt cheeks react in waves under his hand. He slid his fingers along her slit. She was already wet for him. She was a good slut, he'd give her that, though a little tardy, but nothing that couldn't be corrected.

"Stand up."

She did as He instructed.

"Take off your dress."

She slipped her dress easily over her head. Standing naked before him for the first time in weeks. Her nipples were already hard nubs.

"Now, 3 minutes. I had expressly instructed you not to be late and now it seems we will have to deal with this before we go any further today. Do you agree?"

She looked at her red painted toenails peeking out from her pumps, they looked so pretty she thought to herself as she replied,

"Yes Sir."




unknown photographer. Source : Internet

Sunday, September 2, 2012

slap

I have considered before the face slap. Lil got me thinking again in her post I need you to hit me about the face slap. My thoughts about the face slap have not changed. I am an unashamed face slap slut. Quite seriously if this is all that Local D did to me I would forever live in bliss. The slapped face has the ability to take me to that dreamy place. As I gaze into his eyes I can see him reading me, I can see him taking me there to that dreamy place. The face slap takes my breath away, it makes me gasp and then break into smiles of delight. He does not use it as a corrective measure but he does use it to subdue his girl. This sick lil bitch can't get enough of the face slap.

I wonder why it remains such a contentious issue in ttwd? Isn't the act of the face slap just another tool in an arsenal of tools designed to deepen submission and lets face it (sorry for the pun), thrill a Dom/me to see their subbie react in whatever way they might? I find it an unusual argument to align the discussion of the face slap with the conditions of family and domestic violence. Sub women and men in ttwd - bdsm  are consensually engaged in many acts which the mainstream (vanilla) world would view as abuse.

I would argue that statements about women being elevated to strong, beautiful beings, venerated by their Doms for their gift of submission, might be viewed as an expression of the battered wife or even Stockholm syndrome in the vanilla world. So why is the face slap sometimes placed in a different category to say a caned bottom left with bruising, welts and in some cases broken skin?

The key is consent, as with everything in ttwd. The face slap is no more abuse in a consensual relationship than the cane, or a hand spanking. There appears to be an agreement that the power of the act is different in some way. A suggestion has been made that the face slap is 'personal'. It's meaning holds a different and perhaps deeper resonance to the individual receiving the slap.  I have noticed though the struggle that women have in accepting the face slap as a 'normal' part of ttwd. Maybe it's this difference of power imbued in the act that encourages questions of it's legitimacy; that the face slap is an act which is abuse.

Todays picture is a bit flippant and is not design to resemble uncontrolled, non-consensual abuse in any way ;).

Source: DIY.DESPAIR.COM


Saturday, September 1, 2012

good vibrations

I am still basking in all the good feelings from yesterday.

There needs to be a word to express it,

how I feel,

particularly about you at times like this.

I feel close.

A groovy kind of feeling.

I love it.

It feels special, not awkward at all.

Just where I should be having been intimate with a man not my own.

It's better than previous times.

Its not as elevated as it was those other times.

Its a kind of peaceful assurance that all is as it should be.

It is a feeling that you have brought me too.

It's nice.




John Austin 1992. Source: Internet


 

pinch & a punch

First  of the Month

Happy September..gosh hasn't the year flown! So many deadlines looming and not enough time to deliver!