Sunday, August 12, 2012

girl lost

This is going to sound like a whinge and in faithfulness to my journal I have to say it.
I am feeling lost. This has been growing for a little while.
I have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going.
Connections are weakening with all.
It feels like Local D is becoming a play partner only. I need more. I don't mean I need him in my life as my partner, far from it, but I need his control to be more present outside the room. I need and crave submission though I acknowledge any submission I offer is far from perfect.
I need to be safe. Taken care of. There is something missing.

I am not secure in any aspect of my life at the moment.
Things with non-Dom feel unsettled, strained and I am further away from him than I want to be.
I am spinning and feeling very unsupported.
Such a whiny girl, I hate it when I'm like this.
I want and need a man to take control of me. To be responsible for me. An incredibly selfish me just wants someone else to be the rock. To advise and mark out the boundaries. To set the limits that I must not step beyond. Instead everything feels a bit wishy washy and unsure.

I love to play with Local D but I need a firm hand too outside the room. Lately he has been saying that circumstances mean he can't control things, more specifically me, in the way he would like to do outside the room. This circumstance he alludes to is my relationship with non-Dom. Ah well if it all ends soon ..it has been a nice exploration.
Who knows where we will go with this, but just maybe, Local D isn't strong enough for me, maybe I'm not sub enough for him.

I need a strong man to match mine and push beyond my strength.
I don't think though I can exist for a few hours in a room once a fortnight.

13 comments:

  1. I know. If it's not enough, it's not enough.
    I don't think it;s to do with you not being sub enough.
    Trust your gut, girl :)

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  2. I can understand you want more. But can you meet him more often. And if not, are there tasks he can give you while you are home because of the lack of privacy. For example, could you kneel for half an hour or submit to him online?

    FD

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  3. This might be a stupid question but can't non-dom step up a little and be more of a presence 'outside the room'? My wife is very much like you in the sense of wanting someone to mark out boundaries, set limits and be in control. It is in my personality to do these things and I love her so I do them. I do not think there's anything selfish about wanting someone else to be the rock. You need what you need, and it is up to the people who you count on and who love you to do whatever it takes to deliver. Have you considered finding another local dom? Perhaps a more creative one?

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    Replies
    1. thank you jfv
      No it's not possible for non-Dom to take on this role for a couple of reasons (an we have tried). It is not in his personality as you said it was in yours.
      This is just a phase in my long and very changeable life. This too will pass. ;)

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  4. I completely understand where you are coming from L. Do you think we (I say we as I am feeling quite similar) want something which is not really possible without risking everything that we hold dear. Therefore compromise is what we have to put up with? Jx

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    Replies
    1. possibly Joolz, in fact probably lol xx

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  5. I'm sorry you aren't getting what you really need. Hang in there and it will hopefully get better. Local dom just may not be the right one. Keep looking and you will find him.

    Good luck.

    William

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    Replies
    1. Hi William!! You are possibly right but to be fair I am so new to this he is probably more right than I know.

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  6. Perhaps L is just becoming a very spoiled girl. She needs to be patient, and let everything grow and catch up with her desires. She has had a taste and the onrushing emotions are overwhelming her. Perhaps she is getting too far ahead of herself.

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    Replies
    1. Astute as always Bruce, I have been overwhelmed with the rush of euphoria, need and hunger. I am getting too far ahead of myself. A spoiled girl? Always!..something that no doubt needs slapping out of me.

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  7. hi littleone

    i know that feeling of being lost, it difficult when you want something so much, but have patience and believe in yourself, it will come to you.

    blossom x

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  8. I know the need for someone to completely "cloak those swollen appetites" but can he? Can anyone? The heart wants what it wants. Give it a little it wants more. Give it more it wants more more more. And you want your heart to be that way, that's why you opened it. But the heart, human nature is always crashing into reality and that tension is what makes art. Music, literature, architecture.

    What you're going through is normal. It's not fun but it's not unnatural. I have many times wondered if it was a big mistake to open myself again to my true nature. I continue to do it because with the confusion and concern and disconnectedness I still don't want to live another day without it. If it all ends tomorrow I don't know what I'll do, but I will never regret doing it.

    I will never regret trying to be me.

    You'll find your way, love.

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  9. Blossom and Emen..hmm there is a theme here that I am beginning to see as probably the main issue now that I have calmed myself from the spin. Patience L, I will find my way.

    L x

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