This is going to sound like a whinge and in faithfulness to my journal I have to say it.
I am feeling lost. This has been growing for a little while.
I have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going.
Connections are weakening with all.
It feels like Local D is becoming a play partner only. I need more. I don't mean I need him in my life as my partner, far from it, but I need his control to be more present outside the room. I need and crave submission though I acknowledge any submission I offer is far from perfect.
I need to be safe. Taken care of. There is something missing.
I am not secure in any aspect of my life at the moment.
Things with non-Dom feel unsettled, strained and I am further away from him than I want to be.
I am spinning and feeling very unsupported.
Such a whiny girl, I hate it when I'm like this.
I want and need a man to take control of me. To be responsible for me. An incredibly selfish me just wants someone else to be the rock. To advise and mark out the boundaries. To set the limits that I must not step beyond. Instead everything feels a bit wishy washy and unsure.
I love to play with Local D but I need a firm hand too outside the room. Lately he has been saying that circumstances mean he can't control things, more specifically me, in the way he would like to do outside the room. This circumstance he alludes to is my relationship with non-Dom. Ah well if it all ends soon ..it has been a nice exploration.
Who knows where we will go with this, but just maybe, Local D isn't strong enough for me, maybe I'm not sub enough for him.
I need a strong man to match mine and push beyond my strength.
I don't think though I can exist for a few hours in a room once a fortnight.