Sunday, July 15, 2012

fantasy of shame

First up I want to say this post is about me and my fantasy. I do not trivialise the pain of real life non-consensual rape in any way. This is an exploration of my own psyche. Part of my journey. I considered not posting it..but it is something that has been in me forever and as this is my journal..blah blah blah

I feel some sense of shame in fantasising about a rape scenario. I have known throughout my life that I have been excited by the fantasy of being overwhelmed, forced sexually. The relinquishing of sexual control is something base, something primal and is fundamental to my core. It horrifies me because at the same time I fear it as a real experience. There is a real and palpable contradiction in the need to live it and a recoil from it that is so extremely visceral in nature. It is interesting too that the picture I have attached was chosen to bring some distance between my fantasy and my fear of the act. To pull the act away from the reality of harm which is intrinsic to the act itself.

As a very young woman in my early twenties I cared for an 82 yrs old woman who had been raped by a young intruder in her home. It was beyond my capacity to understand this at the time and in truth I don't understand it now. I was appalled and heartbroken for the woman. To be harmed in this way. To be frightened by the experience. She was more circumspect. She had 60 years of experience in the world on me. She had lost her idealisations of the world and people and she was not as upset by this violation as I was upset for her. I am beginning to understand that though I have another 40 (or maybe a bit less :) ) years to fully understand. She had brought up her family, her life was mostly behind her and the importance of her control over her sexuality was not the same as it was for me in my 20's. Is that a product of my upbringing, my mother's needs instilled in me?

I think it strange and confusing the awareness that I want any act to be consensual how is that rape? I'm still figuring that out! The more I consider the contradiction the more clearly I see that it comes back to control. My need to relinquish control. Wanting control to be wrested from me. I have no interest in injury caused to me during this act of sexual assertion and aggression. I have no interest in it happening to me in a random undetermined way (I won't even get into a Taxi by myself, or walk down a street in the dark!).  The thought of being overwhelmed physically, dominated by a stranger, acquaintance or friend however, stirs something in my primal femaleness that is hard to ignore.

detail - Rape of Proserpina -Gian Lorenzo Bernini,1621 - 1622 (Bernini was 23 years old! as an aside)


  1. I've experienced the reality of rape twice, as a teen, and yet I have the same fantasy, to be over powered, to have control wrested from me. I fantasize about my Dom or even a stranger walking into the room, pushing me down and taking what he wants. Does that mean I want some stranger to attack me, harm me? No. While the fantasy skates that line it is just that, fantasy. It's what we do in BDSM, play in the grey areas. But it is play, even when done in earnest. It is a very common female fantasy, both in and out of kink, and nothing you should be ashamed of.

    1. There is so much here monkey girl!. I was sorry to hear you have experience non-consensual violation, but I appreciate your candour in your admission that you still fantasise about like scenarios. You are right though, BDSM plays or 'dances on the fringe of darkness' to quote one of my favourite tumblr bloggers(find the link in my blog roll). That area of grey, fuzzy and really why we play there, its exciting and unclear. It skirts the very edge of what we are told we ought to do. I guess then I shouldn't admonish myself for playing there, right on the thin razor sharp edge.

  2. It is as themonkeysjournal stated a common fantasy for women even those that do not lead a kinky life so your not alone. A favourite fantasy of mine is to set up without my knowledge and kidnapped and raped by my Master which i hope to have put into reality.

    Would i genuinley want to be raped? no of course not so although i fantasise about rape there is some level of me knowing that i want this and he knows i want it and as real as he could make it we would both know its not actually 'real'...does that make sense.

    Its similar in a way to being hit for example, i love having my face slapped, i do also like the odd punch to the stomach and to be hit with his fists but in no way do i condone domestic violence and seek to be a victim of it.

    Exploring bdsm gives way to exploring avenues that perhaps walk on a fine line and close to the edge of what is deemed acceptable but at the very core of it there is consent and thats what makes the difference i think.


  3. The rape scenario is certainly among the archetypal fantasies so, as was mentioned, you're not alone there. I think it's well within the bounds of play. Whatever the physical construct of the "stranger, acquaintance or friend" overtaking you, it could only happen because you have let it be known that you give consent to the possibility of it happening. You don't do that unless you feel safe with that concept. Hence it is consensual and it is play, with no shame or guilt attached.

    I've thought and thought about the story of the older woman you cared for. I still don't know what to make of it.

    As always, great post. Interesting, provocative writing.

  4. My Sofia shares the same fantasy, and I've been trying to figure out how to make it happen in a way that will be as close to real as possible, but still with me, and without it actually being real. Oh, I've forced her many times, bound her and used her many times, but each time she always knew me, trusted me, gave herself to me, albeit with a bit more kicking and screaming. My latest blog post is a great example. But how can it be taken to the next step?

    1. Hello Ken and Welcome. Sophia is a lucky girl!

    2. I have a sub who gives me everything, loves to bring other girls into our bed, is willing to share me with others AND is a knockout. I'd say I'm the lucky one.


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