Saturday, June 9, 2012

safe words and the rough stuff

We have another meeting set next friday and I am nervous again. New boundary's have been set. Pushing me further towards what I crave. Local Dom pretty much set the boundaries last time, the first time, well within the limits I had expressed. Smart Local D, he seemed to sense I still needed to feel safe. Is this man really a good bloke or serial killer? Like one of those game shows where a picture of a serial killer or good guy is shown and you need to guess which catagory the subject of the picture belongs too. Well he looks like a good guy. He talks like a good guy and smells like a good guy...but I supposed until I walked out of the quiet room with all my limbs intact, I wouldn't really know. So I set up safe calls with non-Dom, addresses known to non-Dom etc.  On the table now is a higher degree of restraint as well as a higher degree of 'rough' handling.

He asked me "How much is 'rough'?"

"Well I don't know!"

Non-Dom and I occasionally (all the time) engage in a bit of the rough stuff. I only have that experience and I don't know what 'rough' might look like to others. I imagine there is a continuum as with most things, from a mild slap on the face (yum) through to man-handling (sign me up), to extreme and permanent injury (goes without saying...definitely off the table..OK I said it). In an instant I realised I trusted Local D to employ the Hippocratic oath and do no harm.

What a freeing revelation that was to hear the words leave my mouth, "I need you to do what you want to, what you need. I trust you to keep me safe."

I might be silly but I trust him. In fact I know I'm silly as I don't really know him, but I trust him. I have safe words and I'm not afraid to use them.  The very first time I used one he reacted immediately. I was blown away with his commitment to his word. It wasn't even the stop word, it was just the 'slow down I'm getting near the end' word. His reaction cemented for me that he was serious about keeping me safe. It built in an instant and significant amount of trust that even months of talking with him did not.
It strikes me that there is a stream of thought among some submissive women that there is some shame in singing out the safe word. I just don't get that. Surely and especially in the newness of a D/s partnership a sub owes it to their Dominant partner to use these words and often. As talented as the Dominant S/He may be, they are not mind readers (though I am beginning to believe that just maybe....) and some sort of code words are useful for them to begin to really understand their sub partners capacity to engage in 'rough' play or any other activity. 
Of course I could be talking through my reddened arse.


  1. Interesting, sometimes you never know until you come to those crossroads

    1. I have little idea about everything TP, ;) and anything seems a crossroad to me right now. You know? I'm kind of loving that. He said I was like a kid in a lollie shop. He was right, everything is shiny and new, sparkly and bright.

      L x

  2. Well.. I'm not a huge fan of the 'safe word' although I don't think anyone should feel any shame for using one! I did have cramp in my leg and found the phrase 'stop, you motherfucker, stop!' was adequate to end proceedings..

    But no, Doms/tops clearly are not psychic - but here is where we part ways. I don't believe in the newness of a D/s relationship, a sub has a responsibility to safe word at all. Firstly, unless he is a very inexperienced Dominant, I'm going to trust him to tell by my reaction to things how it might be going for me, and secondly, it is not my job to tell him 'my amber warning' or anything like that - I don't want to stop his flow, like that. And I don't view it as my responsibility in the sense that we are both responsible for how play goes. If he is solely relying on me to be the arbiter of how much is too much, what is he doing, exactly?

    But here is the thing, for me,when I first start playing with someone, he doesn't get the whip out straight away. He doesn't usually paddle me until I welt. We get to know eachother. Which is how I suppose I expect him to read my reactions.
    I suppose, having read that back, that if I were meeting someone who wanted to play really hard on the first time, or I wasn't sure about them (has never happened yet) then I would have a 'stop' safeword. Of course.

    TL;DR? I don't like safewords

    1. LOL..i love your approach to stopping play!

      Thanks for this comment. I think the thing that strikes me as I read it is MY inexperience. perhaps thats where, at the moment, I need this safety system. You will remeber that this has been my very first experience. He insisted on the words, He insisted that I use them. I can imagine a point when they will not be used at all in my situation..or maybe I will use the motherfucker line which I rather like.

      cheers for this fabulous perspective Miss G.

      L xx

  3. I don't think it's silly that you trust him. Why is this situation in your human reaction to another any different than our reactions in the RL vanilla world? Some people you trust, and sometimes love, instantly. Some you distrust and maybe hate instantly.

    And some can fool you. That's why the honest discussion of boundaries and safewords, what have you, is just an intelligent mature thing to do. I do believe great Doms/Tops AND great Subs/Bottoms are "psychic" in the fact that they are always sort of channeling each other. Because what they both want is to play that partnership with a skill and finesse that takes them both to a place they couldn't reach on their own.

    But certainly early on in the game it's only fair to everyone to make sure you're clear you're understanding each other.

    I can understand there could come a time when you aren't thinking about safewords because the whole point has become to push as far as you can. No one but you can say when that time has come.

    "Mr. Security" was fabulous! Hate that I can't read all the time and miss commenting.


    1. Thanks Emen, I very much like this perspective. oh! and you are welcome to comment on whatever you like at what ever time you want to. I liked Mr Security also and I have had a few private comments as well as those posted around the meaning of Mr Security. It's good I think to get the perspective of other more experienced among you in the world of TTWD. I see myself as very much an interloper in this arena. I am often not convinced of my own authenticity in the shiny glittering sphere. But is not a club where one must pay their dues is it? Or is it? LOL

      L xx


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