Sunday, June 24, 2012

a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage

...so Shakespear says...

I throw around a lot of characters. It's a deliberate act designed to obscure whats really going on. Partly I guess because this blog was never started to find an audience but as a journal for me. Somewhere I could keep my secrets and live in anonymity without the risk of ever being found out.

Since I started though, I am aware that there are people who read my journey and appear to read regularly, not thousands but enough that I feel want to lay out the cast a little more clearly. There are people now also with whom I converse if we happen to pass each other in certain IM applications (you know who you are). They are people I admire for the words and stories they write. Truth be told it is all those people who belong here, not me. This is just a journal. I am a visual artist more than an artist of the written word. In the vanilla world I express myself with pictures of one kind or another. So why not a picture blog or tumblr? Well, we come back to the journal. The need for me to record my journey of secrets in words. Not Tumblr because my pictures are my own, and to retain some sort of intellectual property rights over ones creativity, tumblr is not the way to share. So I post on the Internet but in a vanilla picture 'sharing' site. One or two of my pictures have been sucked into tumblr and pinterest, but on the whole not too many have vanished.

So here is the cast as it stands,

Non-Dom (respectfully) - My partner of about 15 years. We have tried D/s together but it was clear early on that the exploration I needed to pursue was not for him. After long and protracted negotiations, non-Dom gave his permission for me to seek a Dominant male outside our relationship. This is not something he would normally do and there are boundaries that must be observed. For the moment I am happily complying with these limits but life has a funny habit of changing a girl and I am aware that this may not always be the case. Part of his decision turns him on, the other part disturbs him. He fears that I will fall in love with a Dominant man and leave for the greener grass. I will do everything in my power to prevent this from happening because as we all know the greener grass is always astro-turf and that would be the ultimate betrayal don't you think?

Marvellous Mentor (Daddy) - geographically distant and chronologically my senior MM or Daddy has been part of this journey for a around a year now. Truth be told I'm not really sure when I received his email first. He was an open man sending me an open email. I remember it being so open that I was concerned for this privacy. What if I was someone who could not be trusted? I took it as a naivety on his part, but I don't think so, I think he is just a trusting man and can 'read' a lot into a person by what they write. I think he had been reading my blog for a while before he sent me an email. We emailed a lot and I opened up to him in the most extraordinary of ways. he began to mentor me. To guide me and support me albeit from a great distance. He was so open with his life that it became clear very early on that we had a huge number of parallels in our lives. He had contacted me at a time in my life when I was struggling emotionally, psychologically, physically, in fact in every way imaginable. He was a welcome relief in the daily struggle that my life was then. I was always aware too how easily he trusted me with who he was and what his life was. He is an amazing man and I am grateful that he chose to stick with me that way he did. He is the one who can be credited with finding a lot of the pictures here on this blog. He always seems to know where I am and what I am thinking.

Local D (Mister) - well here is the new-comer to the group. He is the local man I have found to explore TTWD with. I have secrets from him. I trust him with my safety but not yet my secrets. We had talked for months before we met and we have just begun to play physically. A mind blowing moment in my journey. So He is the one I thought I would never find let alone be brave enough to be with offline and into the real world.

How is non-Dom coping? Well in short, the first encounter with Local D was not good for us (non-Dom and me). Non-Dom found the marks on my breasts confronting. More bloody negotiation! In reality this is a journey that we are both taking. A man who will let his wife explore with other men something that he won't, can't or for what even reason give her, is not to be sneezed at or discredited. To me this is one of the bravest and kindest acts of any man. II am not such a good and selfless person, I could not do the same for him.

12 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing you story. Interesting that you admit you couldn't do for non-Dom what he is doing for you.

    Anyway, good luck on your journey. You have a balancing act with your vanilla love life with non-Dom and your love of the lifestyle with local D.

    Good luck on working it all out and getting your wants and needs met. Now that you have experienced the thrill of submitting, I think you will want and need more.

    FD

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    1. FD you are always in my corner and I do appreciate it. YOu are right though it is a balancing act ...an elephant one end and a butterfly the other.

      L

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  2. I agree with FD, submission is kind of compulsive. All you can do is continue to be honest with yourself and with your non-Dom and see where it all leads. Great you have your Mentor Dom to help guide you!

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    1. Absolutely! just see where it goes...suck it and see!

      ;) L

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  3. I like the open way you write all down. I admire how you deal with the complexity of it all.
    I learn from you.

    love ara

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    1. thank you ara..i would be careful learning from me...definitely no expert at this end...lol

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  4. Once again I'm late. And once again you write so beautifully and the pic is stunning.

    Thank you for the cast of characters. I thought I had it straight but it's good to know.

    I'm married to vanilla. Too vanilla to ever bring this up with. But that's ok. I have a local RL female Top I treasure my limited time with. I have a remote virtual male Top who like you said I almost immediately began emailing and probably feel closer to than anyone else in my life ever.

    That makes for a crazy world. But so many peoples' worlds are just crazy with worry and pain and misery. My world with these people is crazy with joy and lust and something to look forward to.

    That's good. We don't know when it may change but to have it is better than not having it.

    I love your journey and I thank you for sharing it.

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    1. hi Emen, thanks for sharing your situation. Life gets complicated and yes a crazy world, but when needs must....
      thanks for your visit and taking time to comment.

      L

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  5. Just came accross your blog and your honesty is applauded, its not many i imagine that would have the courage to speak out to their partners about what they need let alone come to an agreement to pursue said desires.

    Im sure its an interesting journey if not full of ups and downs.

    tori

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    1. thank you Tori and welcome. Its been a long journey, my partner and I did not come to this point overnight. In fact it has been painfully long, but this is the only way it can be done (for me) and try to preserve what I have with my lover (non-Dom).

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  6. Replies
    1. nice to see you back Michael..and yes, life can be an amazing adventure.

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