Saturday, June 30, 2012

the rough

It is still very early days but he said he wanted to take me further. I had hinted about the rough stuff my desire to have it incorporated int our dynamic.

I have experienced it with non-Dom. We have played with it for some time. The difference is (I think) I trust non-Dom implicitly with my safety. He 'man-handles' but doesn't hurt.

Local D wanted to take the man-handling further.

"How far is too far?" he was concerned with my newness to this phase of my life.

Well people, I don't know what I don't know.

My bottom was nicely warmed and stinging. His fingers slid between my slick lips."Oh my girl is so wet...little slut" he grinned.

He spun me around and caught me by the throat, his right hand lifting and quickly slapping my cheek. The shock I felt was phenomenal. I caught his gaze and before the gasp from my lips had expired his hand connected with my left cheek again, and again. I flinched each time his hand came into view. The response in my body was plain. My cunt clamped down, my nipples burst into hard buds, my head began to spin. I couldn't catch my breath. I was so completely turned on.

He pushed me back, his hand still on my throat, slaps from his huge hand rained down on my breasts and my cheek. Feelings of submission began to overwhelm me. Tears welled as he spun me around, his fist twisting in my hair his forearm pinning my neck against the wall. Distress began to well in me as the shock subsided. I tried to catch my breath, unable to think in any sort of clear way. Panic welled with the tears as his hand struck my bottom. Then all at once, I realised  I was safe, that he wouldn't hurt me, through the fear and panic I realised I trusted him. My body and mind gave in. The struggle and panic subsided. My body relax and I waited. I waited under the slaps and stings. He spun me around by my hair, his face softened. He stroked my cheek, wiped my tears.

"Good girl."

His arms drew me in, holding me, making it better.

I remained, in such a primal way, so very turned on.

Friday, June 29, 2012


I have taken the plunge, I am breathing.

I know this sounds strange and a little flakey, but I swear I am breathing more deeply, more evenly and just so relaxed.

The date came around again. I dressed, I was fear, just pure excitement. I felt sexy, strong. I felt so beautiful.

He took me through the range of emotion that I love so much. The kinky little bitch loves to feel fear, loves to be brought to tears. He did that. He appreciated me, he brought me to my knees. Giggling, laughing..screaming in pain, fearing it but wanting it. Kinky lil bitch.

I just can't believe it is so much fun!

Today, my breath is deep, all the way to the bottom of my lungs. Pure and healing. I am walking tall and the world is amazingly bright.

I think I need another hit before it wears off!


Sunday, June 24, 2012

a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage Shakespear says...

I throw around a lot of characters. It's a deliberate act designed to obscure whats really going on. Partly I guess because this blog was never started to find an audience but as a journal for me. Somewhere I could keep my secrets and live in anonymity without the risk of ever being found out.

Since I started though, I am aware that there are people who read my journey and appear to read regularly, not thousands but enough that I feel want to lay out the cast a little more clearly. There are people now also with whom I converse if we happen to pass each other in certain IM applications (you know who you are). They are people I admire for the words and stories they write. Truth be told it is all those people who belong here, not me. This is just a journal. I am a visual artist more than an artist of the written word. In the vanilla world I express myself with pictures of one kind or another. So why not a picture blog or tumblr? Well, we come back to the journal. The need for me to record my journey of secrets in words. Not Tumblr because my pictures are my own, and to retain some sort of intellectual property rights over ones creativity, tumblr is not the way to share. So I post on the Internet but in a vanilla picture 'sharing' site. One or two of my pictures have been sucked into tumblr and pinterest, but on the whole not too many have vanished.

So here is the cast as it stands,

Non-Dom (respectfully) - My partner of about 15 years. We have tried D/s together but it was clear early on that the exploration I needed to pursue was not for him. After long and protracted negotiations, non-Dom gave his permission for me to seek a Dominant male outside our relationship. This is not something he would normally do and there are boundaries that must be observed. For the moment I am happily complying with these limits but life has a funny habit of changing a girl and I am aware that this may not always be the case. Part of his decision turns him on, the other part disturbs him. He fears that I will fall in love with a Dominant man and leave for the greener grass. I will do everything in my power to prevent this from happening because as we all know the greener grass is always astro-turf and that would be the ultimate betrayal don't you think?

Marvellous Mentor (Daddy) - geographically distant and chronologically my senior MM or Daddy has been part of this journey for a around a year now. Truth be told I'm not really sure when I received his email first. He was an open man sending me an open email. I remember it being so open that I was concerned for this privacy. What if I was someone who could not be trusted? I took it as a naivety on his part, but I don't think so, I think he is just a trusting man and can 'read' a lot into a person by what they write. I think he had been reading my blog for a while before he sent me an email. We emailed a lot and I opened up to him in the most extraordinary of ways. he began to mentor me. To guide me and support me albeit from a great distance. He was so open with his life that it became clear very early on that we had a huge number of parallels in our lives. He had contacted me at a time in my life when I was struggling emotionally, psychologically, physically, in fact in every way imaginable. He was a welcome relief in the daily struggle that my life was then. I was always aware too how easily he trusted me with who he was and what his life was. He is an amazing man and I am grateful that he chose to stick with me that way he did. He is the one who can be credited with finding a lot of the pictures here on this blog. He always seems to know where I am and what I am thinking.

Local D (Mister) - well here is the new-comer to the group. He is the local man I have found to explore TTWD with. I have secrets from him. I trust him with my safety but not yet my secrets. We had talked for months before we met and we have just begun to play physically. A mind blowing moment in my journey. So He is the one I thought I would never find let alone be brave enough to be with offline and into the real world.

How is non-Dom coping? Well in short, the first encounter with Local D was not good for us (non-Dom and me). Non-Dom found the marks on my breasts confronting. More bloody negotiation! In reality this is a journey that we are both taking. A man who will let his wife explore with other men something that he won't, can't or for what even reason give her, is not to be sneezed at or discredited. To me this is one of the bravest and kindest acts of any man. II am not such a good and selfless person, I could not do the same for him.

Thursday, June 21, 2012


"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines.  Sail away from the safe harbor.
Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

Mark Twain

Daddy says so too..... ;)

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

day nine - submission nine - rules

Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?

I have had few explicit rules or structure as part of my play with a Dom. A challenge that stands out in my mind was an exercise with an online Dom. He chose my panties and bra (or not) for a long few months. It was a challenge for me to make sure I gave him a list of  all panties and bra  which were not to be added to or thrown out without express permission and boy did I struggle with that! I think it might have been easier if we didn't live in different states, if it was an LDR even. It was heading that way but unfortunately never quite got there. I was required to furnish him a list of all the weeks activities so that He could assure Himself that he controlled what I was wearing at all times. It was clear that He controlled all things frilly and lacy. I was punished for buying a pair of panties without permission even though my reasons for doing so were honourably "Daddy will like these, I will get these for Daddy". The rules were clear however and I was punished severely (I thought) and I never did it again (so affected by the disappointment I had caused Daddy, I shoved the offending panties at the back of my drawer and I don't think I ever wore them again).

What I found interesting was over time my taste in pretty little things changed as a direct result of His expressed preferences. I wore a lot of thongs at the time I connected with Him. I wore a lot of black, not exclusively, but a fair amount. His preference was to steer away from black and He required me to wear less strong colours and briefs. To this day, well over a year since we went our separate ways, those rules still resound. When I buy knickers I go for the softer colours and I rarely wear a thong anymore. I find that I ALWAYS think of Him when I buy panties..Would Daddy like these? I often find myself thinking.

His rules around panties selection made me feel secure. I knew where I stood. The daily emails containing the days selection connected me to Him. The panties and bra I wore connected me to Him. He never forgot. He planned ahead if he was going to be away and He sent instruction for the time He would be away or out of contact. He was consistent. This consistency and commitment he displayed to His rules eventually settled in me. I had struggled at first. This was one of my very first encounters with a Dom man on a daily basis. After the struggle of handing over control of my frilly lacy things, a collection I loved and have viewed as no one's but mine to control, I settled into His control with some ease. I missed His control over my underthings when we said goodbye, in fact truth be, I still do.

Local Dom and I are starting to get to know one another and I hear him moving towards something that might be taken for rules, structured tasks that have been alluded to though nothing specific right now. I am looking forward to it. It's a way that I can feel His presence and I hope he will control things in my day. It's a dance that is slow to come as He gauges my life as wife, mother and colleague.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

to the heart of it

Daddy (Marvellous Mentor) has a way of cutting through all the crap that flys around my brain and coming straight to the point.

Sent to me privately and I have permission to post it here....

"What you need to learn is that HE is in charge and if HE is not pleased with your obedience you will be punished. It is not about what you feel or want anymore young lady, it is about what HE decides you've earned and need."

When I showed these words to Local D..well He just thought that was the best thing he'd ever heard.
I kind of like how these two men, worlds apart both geographically and in their life paths seem to agree on how to treat their girl. The sick lil puppy finds that a bit of  turn on.

Sunday, June 17, 2012


I'm ill. I'm pouty. The girl wants to come out to play but she's really not well enough to come out from under the blanket.

The date is set, I am hoping to be well enough to play with Local Dom on Friday. He thinks not. I say Pleeeeeease Sir, Mister D. let me come up for air, let me breath.

He says, not if you are not up to it My girl.

We talked about stepping things up. Rougher and harder. This just makes me smile..I find I trust Him. Our first time together was a 'testing the waters' run. Now He knows what the girl needs. He knows how to play her. She needs this air after a deep dive she needs to breathe..she needs to fly and float.

day eight - submission eight spank me

 Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?

Hell yeah!

.....oh so I have to write more?....

LOVE spanking. His hand on my bottom, that thud, thump and if I'm lucky that soothing rub of my skin in between. Makes me wet.
I haven't received spankings from non-Dom as much as I would like (note non-Dom).
I have only just received my first ever spanking from a man that means it, knows what it is to deliver it and how to deliver it so as to make me squirm, whimper and moan. It was just one of many firsts that day so it kind of melts into the deliciousness of the event.

The flogger has been employed quite a lot and I could describe this quite adequately as a staple. I have a love hate relationship with the crop. Hmm, now I have to say I fear the crop and we are only just newly acquainted. It leaves some pretty marks but HURTS LIKE HELL...which I kind of like. (*bashful blush).

So yes, spanking, hurt, corporal punishment ...yes please Sir. Spare the rod, spoil the girl? maybe not.

Monday, June 11, 2012


A contraversial view and one that is not fully formed inside my mind, nothing is fully formed. I am an evolutionary process, a project, no timeframes,focus groups formed, some evaluation tools employed and the project continues:

Ruin is a gift
Ruin is the road to transformation
-eat pray love

In the context of D/s..of TTWD, I want to feel ruin.

I want to be ripped down,muscle fibre by fibre, corpuscle by corpuscle, bit by bit, brick by brick. Torn down. I want him, no, NEED him to rip every last shred of the outside me away.

I need Him to find that inner core that has no more protection. That space inside me that is vulnerable and bare. The point where I can let go of the fears, protections and barriers.


To be my own pheonix.

My belief is that moment will never come. It never can, not in my circumstance, but the dream is always there. The possibility that one day it may be ok to let go, to bend in every way to Him.

This is the fantasy.

The reality? I am not mine to give, neither am I owned.

Photograph remains the property of its owner

Sunday, June 10, 2012

30 days of submission - submission seven

I have paid little attention to the continuing saga of 30 days of submission, i get a little bored with here is number 7

Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission? How do you feel about it?

Hmmm. I hate punishment. I always try so hard and it feels unjust to be punished. Discipline is fun. Punishment just makes me try to avoid punishment. In honesty, I respond better to praise..try harder. I need to please. I have not experienced much I would label as punishment.

Once I remember being so incensed by a punishment it almost split me away from the Dom man. It was early in our discovery of each other and it was probably far too early for such a severe punishment. He did not know me. He misjudged me. I did not have the level of trust to accept his decision without question. I was not truly submitting. In fact I have not ever truly submitted if I am honest. Not completely. It comes back to trust doesn't it. I want and need to submit, but I have never so deeply trusted someone that I can submit without reservation...naughty me...does that deserve punishment? ;)

There in is my journey learn to trust so deeply that I can submit.

All hail the imperfect novice submitter!

Saturday, June 9, 2012

safe words and the rough stuff

We have another meeting set next friday and I am nervous again. New boundary's have been set. Pushing me further towards what I crave. Local Dom pretty much set the boundaries last time, the first time, well within the limits I had expressed. Smart Local D, he seemed to sense I still needed to feel safe. Is this man really a good bloke or serial killer? Like one of those game shows where a picture of a serial killer or good guy is shown and you need to guess which catagory the subject of the picture belongs too. Well he looks like a good guy. He talks like a good guy and smells like a good guy...but I supposed until I walked out of the quiet room with all my limbs intact, I wouldn't really know. So I set up safe calls with non-Dom, addresses known to non-Dom etc.  On the table now is a higher degree of restraint as well as a higher degree of 'rough' handling.

He asked me "How much is 'rough'?"

"Well I don't know!"

Non-Dom and I occasionally (all the time) engage in a bit of the rough stuff. I only have that experience and I don't know what 'rough' might look like to others. I imagine there is a continuum as with most things, from a mild slap on the face (yum) through to man-handling (sign me up), to extreme and permanent injury (goes without saying...definitely off the table..OK I said it). In an instant I realised I trusted Local D to employ the Hippocratic oath and do no harm.

What a freeing revelation that was to hear the words leave my mouth, "I need you to do what you want to, what you need. I trust you to keep me safe."

I might be silly but I trust him. In fact I know I'm silly as I don't really know him, but I trust him. I have safe words and I'm not afraid to use them.  The very first time I used one he reacted immediately. I was blown away with his commitment to his word. It wasn't even the stop word, it was just the 'slow down I'm getting near the end' word. His reaction cemented for me that he was serious about keeping me safe. It built in an instant and significant amount of trust that even months of talking with him did not.
It strikes me that there is a stream of thought among some submissive women that there is some shame in singing out the safe word. I just don't get that. Surely and especially in the newness of a D/s partnership a sub owes it to their Dominant partner to use these words and often. As talented as the Dominant S/He may be, they are not mind readers (though I am beginning to believe that just maybe....) and some sort of code words are useful for them to begin to really understand their sub partners capacity to engage in 'rough' play or any other activity. 
Of course I could be talking through my reddened arse.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Mr Security

I had to go to the airport today to meet an arriving plane.

The drill to go through to the gates is to put my handbag on the conveyor to be x-rayed and then step through the metal detector. Pretty simple hey, pretty standard?

I checked before I got out of the car for any inadvertent sharp objects hiding in my handbag. I couldn't afford the time to have to take anything back to the car or have it confiscated as had happened once before. I had been carrying my camera bag through airport security. Dragging all my gear. Two cameras, my prized Hasselblad medium format film camera and my digital Nikon. I had remembered to leave my tripod in my luggage, but as I collected my camera bag from the other side of x-ray, airport security pulled me aside and asked, "Do you have a screwdriver in your bag?"

"No, I don't think so," then almost immediately, "oh hang on, yes I think I do!"

I think he thought he'd hit pay dirt as I reached in and pulled out the small screw driver I use to attach my tripod footing to the bottom of my camera. This is what all that training had been about. I could almost hear the metal cuffs ratcheting over my now back from fantasy....Security's eyebrows raised and he shook his head as I said I had flown through two other airports with it before the keen eyes in his State had detected it. Well the upshot of the story was that I had to relinquish my screwdriver! There must be an awfully big pile of screwdrivers somewhere in airport security.

So, this time I was determined not to lose anything in my handbag. I zipped all the pockets and place my handbag on the conveyor. I readied myself to walk through the metal detector and there was Mr Security Guard waiting on the other side.

"Just come straight through."  he beckoned me.

I thought it an unusual demand after all where else was there to go and I didn't think I looked too much like I didn't know what I was doing.  Mr Security Guard scanned his eyes from my feet to my face where his eyes locked on mine for just a little too long. I became a little nervous though I really didn't know why.  I walked through and his eyes went to the lights above my head. Then it happened. Alice stepped through the looking glass. The light didn't flash it's detection of something untoward and the words from Mr Security Guard struck like a hot knife to my core.

"Good girl," a slight up turning at the corners of his mouth further caught my attention.

My breath caught in my throat, my body reacted viscerally and my slut pussy clenched. I was almost dizzy as I picked up my bag and looked at Mr Security over my shoulder. Did he know? Was I wearing my kink like a badge?  My eyes scanned the people immediately around me. Had they noticed? Heard? Noticed my reaction? I am not a girl and cannot be mistaken for one. I am all grown. Publicly I am a woman, but his words were clear and they rang in my ears and through every fibre in my body as a struggled not to allow the fantasy scenario forming in my minds eye to take hold. I fought to move away from Mr Security and into the arrivals hall but seriously, he could have had this little slut then and there on the security floor.

I shook myself out of my neediness and excitement. I calmed the ache in my slut pussy. I had a plane to meet.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

...and she's back...

Strong and happy, the roller coaster has swung up to the peak again and I'm putting the breaks on here!

so what's the cure for sub drop then?

So whats the cure for sub drop (provisional diagnosis) when the Dom who helped put you there is not actually 'your' Dom so to speak. The newness of a play partner is still shining like chrome hubcaps in the sunshine and he's off god knows where. I keep saying,  'You owe me nothing', but in a very girly and pouty way I am a little bit pissy that he is not around soothing my furrowed

Ah yes something about the cake...and eating it too? Isn't that what cake is for??? screams the pouty girl.

So anyway a sticky situation. A needy pouty lil sub slut, I can hardly go to non-Dom and say this man I was with last week has rocked my proverbial world and I seriously need another dose! No not the done thing. So whats a girl to do?

This lil girl locked herself away with her new best friend in a box, plugged him in and came 1, 2, 3. Oh dear this led to a squirty girl (another thing the girl isn't quite convinced exists as more than an embarrassing accident by a very excited slut pussy). There she went squirting not just today but yesterday's needy girl episode too.

Miss G suggested fruit, water and blankets, oh and perhaps another session, but remember He's god knows where?

So there we are. The cure to the sub hangover...magic wand squirting, fruit, water and blankets.

Image Detail

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

? sub drop

I've read about it, heard about it and thought, what rubbish!

Well who's rubbish is it now? I think I have discovered sub drop. It has been happening for a couple of days and its irritating me. I have resisted the urge to post it here, don't want to put all my human foibles on display.

But there it is..if it exists..I think I have a fair old dose of it. Talk about sooky la la.

sheesh...and I know exactly what picture to put with this one!!

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

the quiet room

I was late, very late.
I threw on my shoes, those ones I can't easily walk in. I had walked quickly up the drive and found the door at the end. Slipping on my black patent peep toe shoes I knocked on the door.
He opened it.
I apologised
"I'm so sorry."
I had been extremely nervous, I felt like a girl. I had not felt like this since I was a girl.
He took it in his stride, assured me it was OK (at this time) and invited me in.
He lead me through a small outdoor courtyard to into warm dimly lit but inviting antechamber.

"Are you alright" He said it gently and was to check again and again during our time together.
I must have looked like a rabbit caught in the headlights. I nodded. I was nervous but He held my hand and pulled me further into the next room after closing the door behind me.

I walked in to a carpeted area. He let my hand go as I stared about this place. It was a purpose built room, warm and quiet, so very quiet and dimly lit. Some candles drew focus to dark corners of the room. It seemed like forever that I gazed at the furniture in the room. It was designed to restrict, to restrain. Shiny chains hung from the ceiling. Behind me was a small bathroom and outside the door though which I had just passed was a bedroom with an inviting four poster bed, plush and alive with possibilities.

My eye was drawn to the left and on a bureau within arms reached was all sorts of  delicious things layed out. There were paddles and floggers, nipple clamps, and a small plastic box of pulleys and chains and a white rounded wooden pole.  My eyes settle on a set of cuffs. Black with red trim. My fingers traced all of these things on the bureau. I luxuriated in the tactile sensations of the instruments under my fingertips.  There were other things but my eyes were too busy in the dim light to allow my mind to settle for too long on any formed thought.

Instead of nervous I was becoming excited.  I began to feel an overwhelming sense of belonging. I belonged here in this room with all of its magic unfolding in front of me.  He stood close behind me, watching me and whispering some words when I'd touch or notice things His hand gently running over my back and in my hair. It was soothing and exciting. It was was so easy, like I belonged right there in a way I am not aware I had ever felt before.

He led me to the centre of the room. He began to unbutton my top and slipped it off me laying it quietly on the chair.

He walked around me tracing his finger over my red red knock 'em dead bra. His fingers ran down my back and unlocked the tiny clasps of the red lace fabric, freeing my breasts.

"Take off your skirt."

I closed my eyes and took a breath holding it. I couldn't watch what came next as I did as I was instructed.

Alice was leaping down the rabbit hole, naked in front of a man other than her non-Dom. She hadn't known anyone else in over 15 years. She was beginning to think like a Mills and Boon novel!

"Hands behind your back."

That was the hardest bit.
Being naked for Him the first time.
Standing while He looked at me. Not covering while he circled me. Touched me.
My pussy clamping down.
I closed my eyes and hid from Him, avoiding his eyes.

It was easy after that.
So easy.
So completely natural.


He sat in front of me and put cuffs on me.
Pinching and stroking my nipples. Touching me.
Touched by another man.
 It was natural  and so very the quiet room.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

the wand 3

'Hold it to your clit,
rub your clit'

It built quickly, the energy. The deep vibration penetrating the tiny recessed folds, the deepest pink moist flesh inside her.

She needed to be released, quickly.
It was going to come and come with a force that would push from her a primal din of bedlam. She didn't have much time, only seconds to seek and receive permission.

Breathlessly, in almost a whisper she begged,   'Please...please can I come, please.

The seconds that ensued seemed as long as millennium. Sweat beaded between her breasts. She thought she might explode before permission was granted.

Then those magic words....'You may.'

The words had not yet left His lips and she was relaeased. The heat travelling from her clit to her toes and over her body. She melted into the wonderful feelings of relief.

The ritual was repeated another five times. She felt so much better after she had come for Him.

Saturday, June 2, 2012


He'll never read this, not here, but I will tell him..

I was exhausted last night.

Today I am very sore...muscles and the sting in my arse.

Cumming so much has left all my muscles reminding me of my adventure.
There are marks, pretty marks. I looked down and saw the red stripes across my breasts and I knew I had walked out of the fantasy to exactly where I needed to be.
I loved cumming, collapsing into you, supported by you, though I tried my hardest to remain standing.

It was great fun..I had soooo much fun. Was it supposed to be that much fun? I feel like a new addiction has begun. I have found my drug. I need it like air, this thing we called submission. I didn't feel particularly sub-like though. I was just having too much fun being cheeky and bratty, though I suspect I paid for it in an extra stroke or two.

My nipples are VERY sore, I had been warned about clover clamps, but I guess I didn't have much choice when all was said and done...OUCH!

I didn't think you were particularly rough. I think you were taking it easy on me. More please Sir. I wonder if you may have been caught off guard by my laughter and ...well frankly sense of  joy and just forgot to be too rough was so much fun though. This kinky little chick also loved the tears. That gammit of emotional places to which you lead me.

I came home and had a bath nursing the sting in my arse and the memories in my minds eye, tears rolled from my eyes from the release I felt. So much attention from you. I felt very selfish.

It was exactly what I needed, where I needed to be and so much more than I expected. Relief in being allowed to let go, and I did let go. Relief in being allowed to be who I want to be, who I am, deep inside.

The picture could have been me. The flogger, the heels, the wriggly lil girl. Squirming, writhing, avoiding. With each stroke the sting became more acute. Then the spank of your hand propelling me forward. Your touch caressing, soothing the sting., wiping the tears from my cheek. 

Thank much x

Friday, June 1, 2012

the first day of june..the journey continues

Welcome to the first day of June

Winter begins with the upside down seasonal calendar! brrrrrrrrrr

The petrol is in the car...she is prepared..she sets off, her journey continues...