Saturday, May 19, 2012

intermission

I almost put the brakes on yesterday with local-Dom. He upset me a little, over nothing significant... but this blasted IM! One can't hear inflections in the voice and he showed me we were not meeting in the mind...but then other times....

Anyway I logged off and thought about things over night and in the morning I was willing to give it away. I could feel the frustration and panic growing in me and I was making up stories in my head. I had earlier sent him a message to say I was no longer going to push or drive this in any way. It was all up to him and that I had given him an indication that I wanted to move forward with him a while back, but now I was handing it over to him. "My gift to you," I said. You can tell I was still a bit miffed (irritated).

I need someone to take things away from me...I don't want to be a decision maker anymore, other than to decide to follow, to bend..a little scary but I think I have reached that point with local-Dom.

I keep wondering why I am concerned that we are not completely compatible. He would not be anyone but a passing acquaintance to me in vanilla street. He wouldn't be a best friend. Just a nice enough bloke that you might see at a BBQ occasionally. So I say to myself, "what am I concerned about, I don't want a relationship with this man, I don't want to talk about world politics and philosophy with him (though that level of meeting of the minds does get my blood boiling). I just want this man to control me...hit me, beat me, whip me!"...lol (sick puppy).

I asked to phone him. We talked, it was better and after a long conversation we agreed that we needed to move forward. So I will move forward with him. I believe he will look after me, he is sensitive to the fact that this is my first experience, he says all the right things and one can only trust that when entering into a new world.

I spoke also to non-Dom today, honouring our agreement to keep him informed and in the loop. I said I had been talking to local-Dom and we were trying to find a suitable date to 'meet'. He looked at me and said "I thought 'we' were thinking of such and such a date."  I almost fell over!!! He said it with pure acceptance. I felt I finally had the absolute, no reservations permission I had been seeking. All these years together and I felt like I had finally worked him out! I finally realised that pushing him for answers, acceptance, permission is not the way. Planting small seeds and letting them grow, nurturing them, letting things percolate is the way that he feels less threatened and the way he is able to accept, but oh my is that a challenge to my sense of patience (or impatience more accurately).

Anyway that's it! The stage is set and I am beginning to feel very excited, nervous and ...loved. ha!? How is that possible?  I had earlier said to non-Dom, 'Thank you, for allowing this, I know how hard it is and thank you." Non-Dom replied, "This doesn't mean I don't love you." (I never doubted that).. and I said "..and this doesn't mean I don't love you".

(music up...the theme from Gone With The Wind plays...and the hapless lovers embrace as the screen shows Intermission in big bold letters).

Time for ice-cream and popcorn.

4 comments:

  1. Aww, how sweet. Enjoy the ice cream and popcorn.

    Seriously, though, you seem to have finally found what you want. Your non-Dom allowing you to be controlled by the local Dom and your non Dom is reassuring you that he still loves you even though he is giving his blessing. You did a great job of planting the seeds and nurturing them.

    Good luck and I hope his control meets your expectations.

    FD

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    1. FD thanks for your encouragement, I woke up this morning feeling very happy and very content. I woke feeling like the whole world had fallen into its place just like I had instructed it to do!..lol.

      There was a minor hiccough though. Non-Dom saw a small few words from Local D. He didn't like it. The answer I said, was not to read my phone! He asked that I not flirt while he was around! I assured him I had not been and that I had little control over the communication, let alone him picking up my phone and reading what was on there (though I will fix the way the phone pops on unsolicited with messages). I suggested that he needed to 'be fair', that I had not been flagrant in my communications with Local D. I was quite firm! Then I hugged him and loved him and told him that no-one would ever replace him in my esteem. All s right with the world again....sigh..

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  2. Hi there, as someone who is in a similar position - I have a non-Dom long term partner who knows I am having "adventures- I understand how complicated all this can be. My solution is to try not to mix the two worlds too much, I've found things run better this way. I hope your meeting goes well. But if it doesn't don't give up your search. Take care.

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    1. Alice, Thank you for your comment. I take your advice in fact as a given. I mix the two worlds only enough to fulfil my committment to non-Dom. He really was being a bit naughty and nosey in investigating the phone message.I am more than happy for him to be the big D in my life, but he can't have it both ways. Damn, I have become a little antsi over this. Previously I would have wrung my hands and worried for days, but now, this time, I became quite firm and demanded he be 'fair'.

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