Saturday, April 28, 2012

olives

The warmth of the fire licked her back. The remains of the shared meal and wine was on the table.  No thank you she gestured, she couldn't eat anymore, thank you.

"There," he pointed, "those olives, you will eat them."

"No thank you I am full, replete, I couldn't eat anymore."

He looked her in the eye. She met his gaze.

"You will eat those olives, we will sit here until you do."

Such a small thing, those two little olives shining wet in their oil. Sitting in the corner of her dish. Just on the corner, small and undemanding. They were happy to rest.

The heat grew between her legs as she lifted her fork. She stabbed the oil laden skin of the green olive. Lifting it t her lips the aroma of the oil filled her nostrils. Her mouth watered. One after another they went into her mouth. Her eyes never leaving his.

It had begun..with an olive, she has given herself. what was to follow?


thrill?

I met the local man today. We had a drink and lunch. You may be pleased to hear that I was very obedient and wore no panties as instructed. After an initial nervousness we were able to talk.

I still need to process things. I am a thinker, a reflector. I examined everything in the most painful detail. I have in the past been accused of thinking toooo much. huh! indignant*
I look at all the possibilities, all the potential outcomes arrrgh..just JUMP L!

At one point he reached over to me and pulled me to him...a kiss on the cheek and a whisper in the ear. I was surprised to notice I wasn't at all nervous (another man's touch), guilty (another man's touch) or feeling awkward (another man's touch). It makes all the difference having my non-Dom's permission. I didn't feel any sexual thrill at his touch either. There was no spark of tense anticipation. It just felt natural. I was a little disappointed at that, but mostly I was pleased. I felt that if there wasn't that girly thrill at a mild touch then somehow that won't threaten my relationship with my non-Dom by putting the temptation of another thrilling man in my path. But is this enough to fill the need in the girl?

The whispered words and kiss on the cheek and his hand on my neck made me feel warm and like I'd done well..(it was in response to something I had done)...the old 'good girl' feeling. This time though it was real, it was tangible, it was immediate. No LDR, no online Dom..but real. I am a needy girl for 'real'.

As I sat thinking oh n this won't work, I don't have that thrill of the physical attraction, I realised that was really not why I needed him. I need him to fill a role. A recreational activity. I admit I feel a bit mercenary about that attitude, but I also think that it may work on that level...maybe not.

Anyway these are just initial thoughts..need to think and process a bit more. Am i being mercinary, desperate? Is the thrill essential outside play? Thinking too much?

unknown photographer




Thursday, April 26, 2012

on the eve of meeting

A quick note..

Tomorrow is the day.
The place is set,
the time,
the task...no panties please.
The weather has turned cold and I so wanted to wear a summer frock!

There is no great love story,
no flutter of the heart.
I am meeting him and he me because our needs must be met.
I have grown fond of him during the last months of talking, text, phone and computer.

So tomorrow...what will I wear (besides no panties). Just to meet, to see if we click. No floggers, whips or cuffs. Just a wine, maybe a lunch.

I don't know what he looks like. I find that a little exciting. He knows what I look like. I know nothing except he reports he's clean shaven, short haired, green eyed and a few years my senior. I like the thought that he could be sitting at another table, unknown..watching.

This is the only time this will ever be.

artist unknown


Wednesday, April 25, 2012

nothing to do with D/s

Lest we forget..

There's something about this commemoration that cements itself in my mind. In my psyche. It is a construction of identity. National identity. I don't consider myself a nationalist defined by ANZAC. But it is one of the facets of that multifaceted thing that is national identity.

My grandfathers brother survived Gallipoli, but not so France. The war to end all wars. Humanity was so naive then. Today people continue to suffer, we continue destroy young men and women's lives.

Lest we forget.

Monday, April 23, 2012

dancer

OK..this space is first and foremost my journal. My place to log my thoughts, my fears, my fantasies and my activities. I will pretend then that no-one is reading. I will pretend that no one who knows my inner workings is will look at my shyness at logging the embarrassment of my latest activity

I began a class in burlesque dancing this weekend. While yoga has given me balance and strength, grace has been somewhat slow in finding it's way to my grasp.

We started with the chair routine. Nothing lie leaping in at the deep end. Now I have been to many a burlesque show and seen the chair routine.  I was going for something somewhat like this (eyes right).

















I bumped and ground my hips and arse, leaped and spread with the best of them. I lay across my chair as instructed with perfect balance. In my minds eye I looked just like this (eyes left and below).


In reality, under the harsh cold fluorescent light of the early evening, mine looked nothing like those. In the end I couldn't help thinking this body is just not built for the chair dance (though I did enjoy thrusting my arse out behind me as I bent and then stood tall, grinding my hips atop the chair).

My smokin' split was somewhat damp. My hip bump was a little stiff. My lay back, tracing my ankle to  my fingertips did wonders for the vertebra cracking one by one as I unrolled to the floor (eyes left though this picture is a little more glamorous than my experience).

Before I even reached home, I was bruised. My inner thighs bruised from leaping straddled from a high on top the chair to the floor. I am not tall and much pain was inflicted on my inside thighs as I connected with the chair.

Hmmm is this what finding my Dom might be like? Markings in my most tender flesh. Until such a day as I find my Dom, I shall employ the chair to inflict such punishments!

Next week..class two, the damce of the floor feathers...

Sunday, April 22, 2012

is there something wrong with me?



Is there something wrong with me?
MM (xx) sent this picture.
He sends lots of hot things to me every day.
But...I don't think he would expect the reaction to this picture that he got.
I was lusting, oh yes I was.
Most definitely lustful.
One word was the subject of that lust.
The word?
Leica!
That little black box ;), that's what the precious little slut was lusting after..though the position of the ahem ..model, did give her an idea that I'm sure MM was going for when he sent the picture.

The precious little slut would most definitely be wiggling her arse for that piece of glass.
(For our North American friends, arse and glass have the same pronunciation).

Saturday, April 21, 2012

flower arranging

She stood barefoot in the warm kitchen, arranging the flowers that had arrived on the back doorstep. A gift from a grateful friend. A blush of purple and dusky pink lisianthus cradled in clouds of large green leaves.

His hands trace the curve of her waist. His breath lay on her neck. She folds into him as his hand covers her mouth, the other to her throat. His hardness pushes into her, forcing her into the kitchen cabinetry. She had lost herself the second his hand went to her mouth. Her thighs tighten as his hand slides to the back of her neck thrusting her forward and down onto the hard cool of the kitchen stone.

Her dress up, he hooks her sheer red panties down to her knees. She stands on tippy toes aching to find his cock she thrusts her hips back to him. He pushes her face hard into the bench. Scissors, water, jars and flower arranging paraphernalia fly away driven by her frantic fingers.

His fingers find their mark. He works in and out of her hot wet cunt. She moans, he brings her to a scream and tracing her hot puckered arse with his throbbing hard cock. Sliding forward, one movement into her dripping pussy cunt makes her grunt. Her tippy toes fight to stay afloat. His hands clutch her hips pulling her slick cunt to him. She loves it when he cries out, head back, eyes to the heavens, cock burying deep into her, his fist twists in her curls, pulling her back forcing her compliance. She feels the drip of his precious cum on her red painted toes.

The final kiss, her just fucked look in her smile, her hair in his hand. She scoops her panties up from the floor as she dials the number...

"hello darling...thank you so much for the flowers, I have just finished arranging them...."

photographer unknown

Friday, April 20, 2012

the stage is set

The stage is set for the play to begin.

He names the date.

He offers her the choice of time.
(He requires there will be no false starts this time.)

He offers her the choice of place.
(He will not allow the commitments in her world to interfere any longer. Their fist meeting will go ahead. He has waited long enough.)

She makes her preferences known and gives back the gift  of choice, grateful to him that he is assuring her compliance by removing all those obstacles.

"Please make the decision, Sir."

'Very well.' 

He names the date, the time and the place.

"Can I be early? Will I be late, Sir?"

"You may be early but you will not be late."

"Yes Sir."

There was a pause on the cool blue glow of the computer screen.

"There is only one thing I will require you to do for me. You must wear no panties to our first meeting."

There was a pause from her. She could barely breathe.

"Yes Sir".

She was so excited, so nervous she was dizzy with a million thoughts though none of them could be given voice. She thought she might explode with expectation.


WoooHoooooooo!!

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Day six - submission six

What do you feel are the roots of your submission? Do you think it has something to do with childhood? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?

Arrrgh!

This question disengaged me completely. I had no idea on the surface. Is this asking is there some deep dark secret in my childhood which made me like this..Rubbish! I have no childhood memories which encouraged this in me. There has been no great tragedy.

It is innate, natural. It is nature not nurture. A fine statement coming from a student of anthropology!

MM told me of women he knows who had spanking fantasies in grade 2 (about 6 to 8 yrs old maybe younger). When I consider this I think ...well that's amazing. Such a young child can have these feelings. I had nothing like that which makes me wonder if my feelings are a construct of my own choosing as opposed to an innate need that these women clearly have. There have always been fantasies of capture and restraint. From memory they began when I burst into puberty when I was 11yrs old but were certainly well formed by the time I was 13 or 14.
Day six is asking about this very thing.  What made you this way?..I don't know. Its a question I think about nature vs nurture. Though I don't know that I have ever thought about it that deeply.

I saw a film recently, A Dangerous Method. It describes the turbulent relationships between Carl Jung, founder of analytical psychology, Sigmund Freud, founder of the discipline of psychoanalysis, and Sabina Spielrein, initially a patient of Jung and later a physician and one of the first female psychoanalysts (via wikipedia). A greater part of the story tells of Sabine, distraught and unwell, rooted in her shame of her need to be spanked. A powerful scene when she admitted 'liking' spanking and being sexually aroused by spanking from the age of about 4.

I don't have this and I don't have this deep seated need for spanking. My need is around strength and in fact force ( shock and awe ;)...but that might be for another post!

The second part of Day 6 asks what role does my submission play in my life? Is it a tool for relationship management. I really don't think this question applies and I am having a great deal of trouble answering it. My submission is just a major source of frustration to me right now!

Is it a sexual thrill? something else..or something more?
I am stimulated sexually, psychologically, emotionally, physically. It is base, it is core.




Sunday, April 15, 2012

another day older and deeper in debt...she owes her soul to the company store

oh my! deeper with Horizon Dom!
I stayed up far too late. Burn brightly...hmm my mind is reminded of the cautionary tale of Icarus. Wings melting. We all know how that ended.

A bit of self talk.."Jump L, just jump!"

artist unknown

Saturday, April 14, 2012

jerry uelsmann

All analogue, all hand processed, Jerry N Uelsmann pioneered image manipulation way before photoshop and digital imagery. His work uses film and overlaying dark room techniques, sometimes employing up to six enlargers to create the final piece. Born in 1934, his work has exhibited worldwide. His mission -

“Simply stated, my hidden agenda is to amaze myself.”

http://www.uelsmann.net/
(via MOTHER blog)





he walked into view

Yesterday afternoon I was cruising around a chat site. Not one I visit as a matter of course and there he was, knocking on my little box (yes draw the pun out for your amusement, it was purposeful).

He knocked, I answered.I don't mind saying he has anchored himself securely in my mind (for today at least..you will remember the inconstant girl I am).

He is in another city, some distance away but not so far as to be unreachable. I liked how his mind worked. I liked his skill in asking questions, interesting questions. He had me dumbfounded, searching for words, searching for answers. Pushing but not threatening to me.  The first question was not..'what do you look like?" I loved that. It was clear he wanted to connect cerebrally, then pay attention to the other more superficial albeit important issues of 'what do you look like?'

He won my confidence at lightening speed. He was Flex with a local accent. I will be interested to see where, if anywhere, this goes.


unknown photographer

sapiosexual

Over on the wonderful Vesta's submission a story begins.

I see me in this woman, this scenario close to becoming reality for me. Waiting with bated breath. What will I...uh...she do? What will He do. I suspect his bag of tricks is bigger. I ..uh..she hopes it is!
I...uh...she wants her mind challenged, to be matched, overwhelmed, subdued, controlled.
Sir? Come overwhelm my intellect ;)


Sir? Come overwhlem my intellect ;)

Friday, April 13, 2012

day five - submission 5

Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?

Simply play relationships..I wrote about these once. Doms in my life this is a little out of date..Daddy came back and stayed for a while but I pulled away again..I always seem to. I was beginning to become anxious as he was a short plane journey from me and I wasn't ready for what he would eventually demand from me.

I have lost contact with the man (Flex) I said I would have done almost anything he asked. He returned relatively recently but stayed a very short time and went again. He is and will always be my addiction. There is some strange connection I feel with him, maybe a past life if you believe in that kind of stuff. We are too far apart however and real life has taken us on paths that neither would consider giving up though we have never come to a point where we would even talk about that. Our connection has always been fun but quite superficial.

I find this a difficult question, I have never had a real time relationship with a Dom man and my primary live-in relationship with my Non-Dom is just that..primary. The first real time experience I have with a Dom man will by definition be a relationship, but my online experiences don't belong for me in that realm.

Currently I have an ongoing friendship with a Mentor (MM) my Marvelous Mentor. We have been chatting for months and I can't imagine waking up and not finding him there. He is online and will never be anywhere else.
One Dominant man does not resemble another, and I respond differently to each. One would have me quiver just to think of him. Another wouldn't. One hit all my buttons. Some make my buttons do what they need, but I don't fly into bliss in those situations. Again I have never had the opportunity to really let myself go.

Maybe this will come soon one day. My Non-Dom has given his consent to explore my submission in reality with a real time Dom man. So the search is on. The negotiation has commenced, the stage is set...lights...camera..action! (well no camera thank you !)


artist unknown

Thursday, April 12, 2012

refreshed

I am back from a break. The Easter four day long weekend is always a refresh and recharge for me.

Off to the bush, the big river, clear as crystal nights, cold breezes and the warm glow of the roaring fire.

Four days of freedom,

Four days of the bush.

How I love the Easter break.

So now I am back and ready to move forward.

I am ready to bend.

I am ready to play.

I am ready to submit.

Well at least today I am!!!

Such an inconstant girl.

artist unknown

30 days of submission - Submission 4

Do you switch into a dominant role at any time? If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you?

In short...No!

In the beginning of my discoveries I played sometimes with a dominant role and though I enjoyed aspects of it, I didn't get a kick out of being dominant, owning the control. The root of my pleasure lay in the fact that I was pleasing him, that I was giving him pleasure, that he was smiling with the experience. My bliss comes in being controlled and continuing to please him.

I can switch, but I don't like to and I have had little practice at it. If I was to switch I imagine I would look like a little girl stumbling about in mummy's shoes and lipstick, cute but not commanding, something not quite 'right'.


scar2_gary breckenheimer

no thinking slut!

“It’s hard for an educated woman to turn her head off. That’s part of the joy of being a submissive. None of the decisions are yours. When you can’t refuse anything and can’t even move, those voices in your head go silent. All you can do, and all you are permitted to do, is feel.”
~Cherise Sinclair, Dark Citadel



Monday, April 2, 2012

Day three - submission three

How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive? How do you feel when you express your submission?

In actuality I don't know if I am submissive.

I know how submissive imagery makes me feel.

I know how I feel when I hear those words that make me feel small; lilone, girl, good girl.
Good girl ..sigh..well that just makes me melt.

I know I feel needy and teary if he won't redden my bottom.

I know I can be made wet with one look, one command, one instruction.

I know my pussy throbs when he holds my throat in his hand and squeezes slowly obstructing my breath.

I know that my skin thrills when he touches it with the kiss of the flogger.

When I have the rare opportunity to express these feelings the world is as it should be. A sense of peace flows through my body.  

I think I am a submissive woman. I am strong, independent and brave. Submission is where I find peace and beauty but  having no real life experience with a suitable Dom I sometimes wonder, in dark moments, if I am in a passing phase.

One thing I know for sure it has always been there in my secret life. I just didn't know what to call it. I was too busy being a nice girl, in a nice world. Just as my mother taught me.

Artist unknown

cure a feminist?

This seems wrong in so many ways it just made me laugh. Erospainter never fails to entertain. I can't help thinking in the first instance this 'article' is definitely tongue in cheek. Thinking more deeply there are probably many male heads nodding and smiling wryly as brands of feminist theory roll in their grandmother's graves. The article, I suspect not published in peer reviewed rags, cites some middle weights in the world of women's issues. I laughed as I thought about continued stereotyping, that a girl can't be girly and sexually driven without being devoid of all feminist compulsion. I laughed harder when I saw the comments of some typically riled women (follow the link to Erospainter)...please girls, this article should be taken for what it is..the target audience is perhaps already converted to this way of thinking.

This lil sub wet slut knows exactly where her power lay.

MAXIM November 2003 - Hmm not  a current article



Sunday, April 1, 2012

Day two - submission two

30 days of submission series

Describe who you might submit to and how. Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you submissive only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

Regular readers will know I yearn to submit to the non-Dom; My partner. Nothing excites me more than when he plays at his Dom, but it is just that, play. It lacks authenticity and conviction. He is wonderful at wielding the flogger and boy can he warm the girl's bottom with his hand (as I sit here I am still a little sore from yesterdays episode). But my non-Dom is not an outside the bedroom type and inside the bedroom activities are not regular. He is not interested in the subtleties of Domination. It is just not him. He does not crawl inside my mind and make it real. I have come to accept this in him and sometimes painful, very often frustrating as this may be he is the man I love. He is the man in life with whom I have faced seemingly overwhelming obstacles. The man who has had the power crushed me and who has put me back together again. He is the man I love so I won't be going anywhere soon. I would like the Dom in my life to be my partner but realise that my non-Dom will probably never be that man. I have not had play partners and I am unsure if I ever will. I need my non-Dom's permission for this.

I have reached the point however where I need to explore this with another. I need to explore offline, outside the purely sexual act..the screw, the fuck...you understand. I need the freedom to submit my mind. There are a few men that I have played with online and I have formed an attachment when they come into my cyber world. Mostly they float away again though are always fond memories. I enjoy settling with one man (there is always a favourite). The situation with my non-Dom means I cannot live 24/7 and even if possible, this is something that would not fit for me I think. To purely  exist for Him would for me feel limiting though I acknowledge the argument that it is very freeing for some. Negotiation between parties I think, but for me, not right now.

So! The short answer to this question is I am exploring and growing. Never say never and nothing is written in stone. I will submit to a real Dom in anyway that is required by Him or lets not forget the ladies, in anyway that is required by Her. He will be smart, pure intelligence gets me very wet, every single time. He will be able to challenge me on an intellectual level and in fact overwhelm my intellect with His superiority. I found the One, as it is often labeled, a very long time ago but he is so distant as to be impractical. I guess now, he is the measure by which I gauge all Dom men who might cross my path.

artist unknown via tumblr