My work is about control. It is about assessing, planning, implementing, and evaluating and then starting again. It used to be about control in the midst of chaos, in the throws of Emergency, where these things still happened but at a speed of light. Each stage of this seemingly sectioned cycle where squashed together in more of a multidimensional and distorted Venn diagram all controlling the outcomes of things that went wrong. I operated on the edge, always filled with adrenaline and my mind moved at a rate of knots making decisions which would control the effectiveness those outcomes.
I think in my weaker moments that I 'burned out', but I didn't really, I just recognised the unsustainable nature of the work I loved and moved into a different type of control. I noticed in this new world people still fought the good fight and played their role as if life and death were dependant on it. I'd giggle and say ..'Nobody's going to die today'. Not that it was unimportant work, but the outcomes demanded were not of an immediate nature.
We make our own chaos. I am guilty of this. It's one of the things about me that annoys me the most. Maybe this is why I need to submit. I need to give control to someone else. It is a relief. To ask them to make the decision for me. To scare the panties off me! There was only once or twice I remember being truly scared in my old role. I was scared for others, but never for myself. In giving my control to someone else, I become nervous for myself and I love that feeling. Maybe I like the adrenaline rush from it. I don't like to say no and in fact rarely do I say no. That is probably more down to the skill of the Dom in judging me than to my reticence to say no.
Is this why control is so appealing? Appealing to some to be the controller and to others to let go and feel the control wash over us. Things become terribly simple when there are few or no decisions to be made. When I respond only to his (or her) expressed desire or need that is when I feel my happiness and my contentedness. That is when I feel accepted for who I am and what I am. That is where the calm water can be found.
|artist unknown: sourced from tumbler|