Monday, October 17, 2011

one step forward..two steps back

Thats about it really. It's all in the title.

P has been quiet, distant, somewhat melancholy. I confronted him. Is there anything I have done, anything between us that is troubling him?

It's ike extracting teeth but I persisted. I can be very tenacious. Sticking like glue. I had a feeling something was troublng him..and I had a feeling it was something to do with me, how I had been acting ..or his perception of how I had been acting.

He has given his permission for me to chat, to discover, to relate in a guilt free way to others in order to explore this thing in me..this submissive self.

Tonight I pressed him for the problem. Well he's not sure is he! He's not sure not just about chat but communication in general. Blog writing. Other creative outlets in which I engage. The more I open up to him the tighter his grip squeezes and crushes. He is pushing me down. Anything ceative, any self expression, he is crushing it. Sometimes I feel I can't breathe. I am wondering, thinking of flight, of stealth, of leaving. Maybe that is going to be the only way. I have tried so hard to be here but I have sacrificed myself for him in a way that is not appreciated. The more I give him the tighter he pulls me back. My wings clipped.....

oh! the drama  queen emerges! I don't often indulge in self pity, but this blog is a journal for me and I must be true to that, I must remember the purpose of the blog..a journal, in secret to write all my thoughts. 

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