I need to write something down. It is not nice and I am now painfully aware of others reading this. I want to censor it, make it prettier. Almost certainly I will probably delete it, so why write it in the first place? Debriefing maybe.
Something went wrong the other night. When does consensual non-consent become just plain old non-consent.
I am not hurt, I am confused, disappointed, trust shaken. My resolve has been shaken. There is a little part of me that wants to run, to leave, just for now, but I know that won't last...I know myself.
A tough time has rolled around and last night I was not in that place where I wanted to say yes. This is rare for me, at least in the last couple of years.
He is feeling his strength, stretching his Dom, but he is still exploring.
Last night no did not mean no. What safe word?...there is one, but I was physically unable to say it. I felt myself become limp, submitting, but I didn't want to. It wasn't a 'gift'.
We reached this point together and now something needs to be fixed.
I am not hurt, I was just not in that place. His emotional intelligence is not mature.
He is my partner, my love. Last night a chasm opened between us. I have avoided him since. I don't know where to begin.
...but still there is just the tiniest corner of me that wanted it...am I just a sick puppy...or a perfectly normal kinky bitch? I feel some shame for this, there was a 'no' crying out in most of me and yet I was very wet. Like I said...very confused!