Monday, May 2, 2011

Whoa Nellie!

I need to write something down. It is not nice and I am now painfully aware of others reading this. I want to censor it, make it prettier. Almost certainly I will probably delete it, so why write it in the first place? Debriefing maybe.

Something went wrong the other night. When does consensual non-consent become just plain old non-consent.

I am not hurt, I am confused, disappointed, trust shaken. My resolve has been shaken. There is a little part of me that wants to run, to leave, just for now, but I know that won't last...I know myself.   

A tough time has rolled around and last night I was not in that place where I wanted to say yes. This is rare for me, at least in the last couple of years. 

He is feeling his strength, stretching his Dom, but he is still exploring. 

Last night no did not mean no. What safe word?...there is one, but I was physically unable to say it. I felt myself become limp, submitting, but I didn't want to. It wasn't a 'gift'. 

We reached this point together and now something needs to be fixed. 

I am not hurt, I was just not in that place. His emotional intelligence is not mature. 

He is my partner, my love. Last night a chasm opened between us. I have avoided him since. I don't know where to begin. 

...but still there is just the tiniest corner of me that wanted it...am I just a sick puppy...or a perfectly normal kinky bitch? I feel some shame for this, there was a 'no' crying out in most of me and yet I was very wet. Like I said...very confused!

8 comments:

  1. Give yourself some time to process what happened, then see what can be done to either fix or understand what happened. You don't need to make any decisions right now.

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  2. Ouch! I would suggest you needed to let him know beforehand. There are two possibilities, one is that you really did want to go through with it, and now you are punishing yourself for doing so. Or you really didn't want it. I suspect you really didn't want to, and if that's the case, you should have spoken up. I would still suggest telling him how you felt even now.

    If, on the other hand, you simply have guilty feelings about letting him do what you really wanted, then you have a completely different problem. It's hard for him to top if the bottom is moving around, so to speak. You need to do some real introspection if that is the case, and then have a talk with him.

    Without knowing the exact situation it's difficult to be any more precise.

    I hope you will get it worked out, whatever happened.

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  3. <3 hugs hope you figure it all out <3

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  4. I can tell you that there are always misses in this thing. We've had silly stuff happen, we've been interrupted by children home early at oh so the wrong time, we've had physical and emotional responses that surprised and scared us, and we've had one complete breakdown of communication and maybe even trust.

    I don't know what happened in this case. But the other commenters are right - you have to talk and talk and talk about it. Learning each other and learning your self (selves) is the hardest part, but it all hinges on that.

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  5. William - thank you
    NDT - food for thought. You are right, i have been deliberately obtuse. but you raised some interesting points, cheers.
    sub lil one - thanks
    gg - very helpful, many thanks.

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  6. I hope by now you've been able to talk and begin to figure things out.

    I've had moments like this .. and looking back, I think I was unable to admit some fundamental truth about myself, to myself.
    Good luck with this misstep.

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  7. NDT - It isn't always that clear cut. It isn't always one or the other. Ambivalence is not rare and normal. Yes, it makes things harder to sort out, but we shouldn't feel guilty if we're not always sure what we want.

    littleOne: the body can have a mind of its own. Even in rape, real rape, which is about power, not sex, a woman can become wet. Which then makes her feel guilty - but does NOT mean that she really wanted it. Or that you wanted what happened to you.

    And yes. There's obviously a lot of talking that needs to be done. I hope that since yuo posted it has been.

    o.g.

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