Sunday, May 29, 2011

a little thought...he is blameless

Coming back, but busy.

Thanks for all the comments to my last post...
There was a lot of talking here. Calm and loving and life is thank you to all who cared to comment.

Today I received a message. Not a particularly nice one.

"Leave my husband have already ruined my family!!!!"

A funny kind of comment as I have not been within coo-ee of another woman's husband and most certainly not this messengers husband! Maybe mistaken identity. Oh, I have chatted to husbands but never have I let anyone believe I would meet them or seek to be anything to them more than a flirty chatter. All very light-on really.

But the message made me think. I have been the wounded wife so I understood her message and her hurt. I understood her need to fight and frankly, I am happy for her to blame me, the Scarlett woman, if it helps her think of her husband as blameless. But it did make me think nonetheless, that he is not blameless and nor is she. We have all to accept responsibility for our actions. We ought all grow up and cherish the ones that we love. We ought give them what they need if avoidance of them seeking something else or someone else is what we want.

Monogamy may be overrated or at least impossible to achieve. I don't really of life's mysteries to me. I know that I have achieved fidelity so far, my husband has not. He is not blameless and nor am I.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Whoa Nellie!

I need to write something down. It is not nice and I am now painfully aware of others reading this. I want to censor it, make it prettier. Almost certainly I will probably delete it, so why write it in the first place? Debriefing maybe.

Something went wrong the other night. When does consensual non-consent become just plain old non-consent.

I am not hurt, I am confused, disappointed, trust shaken. My resolve has been shaken. There is a little part of me that wants to run, to leave, just for now, but I know that won't last...I know myself.   

A tough time has rolled around and last night I was not in that place where I wanted to say yes. This is rare for me, at least in the last couple of years. 

He is feeling his strength, stretching his Dom, but he is still exploring. 

Last night no did not mean no. What safe word?...there is one, but I was physically unable to say it. I felt myself become limp, submitting, but I didn't want to. It wasn't a 'gift'. 

We reached this point together and now something needs to be fixed. 

I am not hurt, I was just not in that place. His emotional intelligence is not mature. 

He is my partner, my love. Last night a chasm opened between us. I have avoided him since. I don't know where to begin. 

...but still there is just the tiniest corner of me that wanted I just a sick puppy...or a perfectly normal kinky bitch? I feel some shame for this, there was a 'no' crying out in most of me and yet I was very wet. Like I said...very confused!