Monday, April 4, 2011

ranDOMness

Who knows what to write, I have been missing a little while.
I have missed the posts I usually follow.
I have missed my Daddy.
Still needy, still trembling with expectation.
Unexpected delight today..He instructed me from his distance.
I have complied, with delight and reported today's events.
I am exhausted.
I am content.
I am composed.
My delicious little whore has wiggled her arse.

So I have been reading blogs. I love to read blogs. Personal accounts of this shiny world. Some sexy, some down right scary, but always awe inspiring. 

I crave more, my husband and I only play at the edges. I wait for more from him and if it never comes then so be it. I will deal with it somehow. 

I think of an affair to sate my affliction, but I never have. I am not sure why, many reasons I expect.
I am no good at a lie, I have an open and honest face.  Possibly though, and probably more importantly I don't ever want to hurt him and the guilt I feel in deceiving him is acute. 

I still don't understand my loyalty to him when he has cut me so deeply. Some would say I am a fool, as would I have said only a couple of years ago. Its more complicated than that though isn't it? 

Some counselled me, "It's what you can tolerate". I discovered I can tolerate a lot more than I thought I ever would. I don't think I would ever be capable of it..an affair..but boy oh boy, would I love to try! lol! 

in the mean time...

the delicious little whore has wiggled her arse.

4 comments:

  1. I sense your struggle, Lulu - when an itch that can't be scratched within a relationship that is still so precious. I know this so well.
    A difficult path with a fine line, but always room to wiggle that delightful arse :)

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  2. I could really understand your conflicted feelings in your post. You don't want to have an affair but yet your husband isn't meeting your needs. If you read a lot of blogs, you will find this is a common theme is some relationships where the husband is leaving his wife frustrated.

    You write very well and maybe you could email him about how he could better meet your needs and if you two could talk about he could feel comfortable doing more things that would make you feel good.

    Good luck in coping with all this. To echo Clive's comments, it is difficult when there is an itch that isn't getting scratched in a relationship that is still precious.

    I think all your readers are rooting for you.

    And do you mind if I mention your post in my blog?

    And thanks for commenting on mine.

    FD

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  3. Clive-thank you...and wiggle it I do, hub enjoys that too!

    FD thank you..I will think about writing it to him. I have tried to explain. I have led him to blogs, men who call themselves dominant mainly, though some submissive women's blogs also. As someone said to me once... and I knew this already... if it is not in him then he can't be changed. I want him to be true to himself, so I wait and I don't push (not much anyway ;-))...I suspect 'it' is there and 'it' is certainly more there than it has ever been, but to what extent?
    Lx

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  4. I was surprised when only two years I ago I came to realize the extent of my Dominance, which I am still honing. It has to start with a kernel of need. Does he have that kernel?

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