Monday, March 7, 2011

Daddy's instruction

Daddy gave me an instruction. It took my breath away. It scared me, made me doubt myself, doubt him. He was pushing too hard. I didn't say no, he told me "never say no to me" and I haven't...not since that one time.

Daddy found me. I was happy to chat, to get to know him, but it was clear to me that he was looking for someone far more confident with their submission than I. We chatted for a short time and he sensed I wasn't ready, he let me go.

I couldn't get him out of my mind even though I wanted to.

Later, when we connected again, he asked me what it was I thought he wanted from me.

My answer: Everything.

He laughed at me, but I think he knew I was right. I committed to him that I would try, but I warned that if he was looking for the perfect sub, then I wasn't her. That image of perfect submission always feels a long way from what I can deliver.

So Daddy pushed too far one day recently. I didn't say no, I knew I would try to do as he asked, but I thought I would fail at the eleventh hour. He was annoyed at my hesitation. He could hear it in me. While he talked to me my head was spinning, I was nauseous, I wanted to stop talking, to run away, to just let it settle and be still. The more he talked and pushed for the response he needed and wanted, the more I shut down, the more my head spun and the more I felt sick and began to tremble.

Now I should say that he was not asking anything that was really unreasonable to ask of his sub, his girl, but for me it was one of the hardest things he could ask, and it seemed too soon to me. I am still working on trust and he wanted me to jump further than I thought I could.

He finally let me go and stopped talking and within the described time frame, I did what he asked. All the while he pushed. Every message I received I heard his disappointment. He did not realise how hard I was trying to complete his instruction, and I was too anxious to convey that I was doing what he wanted...I shut down and I wanted him to be quiet!

I did what Daddy asked, I hated it, but for some reason I had to do it for him. I think it is now that he is beginning to understand what a huge thing it was for me. He is not pushing so hard at the moment and I feel myself moving toward him a bit more and that feels good.

I am not the perfect sub. I am not his perfect girl.

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