I received an email asking me if I would mind answering a few questions about the path I am travelling. After replying that I didn't mind at all, my correspondent asked some daunting questions, which I have not posted here. My responses however, have helped me see the path more clearly than I had seen it previously..a bit of self reflection never goes astray, especially guided self reflection. I have posted my responses here, with the blessing of my correspondent, for my own benefit as I undertake A LOT of deleting of emails..never keeping anything in order to protect the shadows in which I live, and to lose this self reflection right now would be a great shame for me.
Life is speeding along at the moment so I apologise for the delay.
Thank you for your questions. I completely understand how my journey and blog can be confusing and murky and I guess it is deliberately so. I have explained that I write it as a bit of a girls diary, a way to express what I need to get out from inside my head. I move very quietly in this new and shiny world I have discovered of TTWD, save for a quiet comment here and there on a post that particularly captures my imagination. No one knows it is there, only the people like yourself who discover it for one reason or another (usually via a comment I leave on a blog).
How I got to this point in my sexuality is quite a story, but to answer your questions. I think hub might be interested in D/s but has never really explored it in the way that some men, such as yourself maybe, take it on and make it very real. What I mean by that is that he has not (i don't think, but all men have secrets), discovered the continuum of D/s from what I see as that light end as expressed by the Daddy / girl dynamic, through to the darker end of the spectrum and the Master / slave dynamic. The deeper black of the Master /slave dynamic is the end of the spectrum that I suspect he knows as this is the most well known in the 'vanilla' world.
Slowly I have tried to explain what I need and desire, as I have discovered it myself. He has responded to that and has enjoyed it, but he sees it as purely sexual play. Truly, I am asking him to change the dynamic of our whole relationship. He has rarely taken the lead in our life together and I guess this is what I need him to do, but this means changing me too, changing the self of me that has always been the capable one, fixing everything and making the waters smooth to navigate.
So, to answer one part of your question, I have not gone outside my marriage to find a Master in reality, physicality. I have not, in honesty, been brave enough to break my agreement of fidelity in that way to my husband, though I have no religious affiliation or beliefs that would prevent that. I have tried connecting with men online only. I have discovered men and their wonderful sexuality only online. I have made a couple of connections online over time but have, for the most part, kept them all overseas, not really trusting myself to leave it online due to the incredible ache uncovered in my own sexuality. Even online this has been at times a great source of guilt as far as being dishonest with my husband.
I think my husband is moving more and more toward the Dom in him the more he realises I have given him 'permission' to do so. Slowly we talk about it and then I notice he acts on what I have said, he pushes a little further. The one thing however, I do need from him that he doesn't seem to understand or really get is what I call the 'mind fuck'. That aspect of D/s that plays with my mind and my psychology. The aspect of it that makes me feel small, little, precious, whore-like, used and dominated emotionally as well as physically, but totally cared for and safe..coming to no harm. This is what I get from a connection online. I receive the physicality of sex from my husband in spades, but the mind fuck, the 'tasks', are derived from an online connection.
In answer to your question, do I find it distasteful to have hub use, exploit and objectify me? Not at all. In fact I love it..it gets just that little closer to the 'mind fuck' aspect I talked about. I have led my husband to your blog in an attempt to explain what I need. It is your writing among most and perhaps A Dominant Character, which explain most clearly how I need him to be with me. It is a slow journey and the ache in me is a need that requires satisfaction while I wait for him.
I hope this has answered your questions a little..feel free to ask more questions if you have them. I appreciated you expressing the fact that you have no agenda, sometimes it is difficult to know.