Friday, December 31, 2010

Q&A 3: four little words

Provoked by a correspondent again, I thought more deeply than I had in a while about my relationship with my husband and my life online. I have not up until now, thought very deeply about this issue. About the frisson that exists between the two. My correspondent asked questions about the character of my relationship with my husband. My answers revealed to me that my relationship with my husband was slowly developing into a D/s experience, albeit a fledgling one. Exciting really! He is embracing the Dom in him and we have begun to enjoy our life together again. Realising this, I wondered why then I have continued to search online..though admittedly I am highly sexually charged nearly alllllll the time and he is not available alllll the time! Purely a cheap thrill aspect to my sexuality then? I wonder.

So..with some edit...

You are absolutely right, going backwards seems almost impossible.

I haven't explained myself well enough and your question has made me think quite deeply about what i am doing. In fact I feel quite challenged by your questions (in a good way).

When I say my physical needs are satisfied by my husband I mean just that..our sex is not in the least vanilla and has been moving closer and closer toward D/s over the last few months. This made me think about what you have said and about why I keep searching if these needs are being met by my partner. What is it about other men, dominant men, that excites me so much? My conclusion? I had mentioned earlier to you that my husband doesn't understand fully the mental aspect of D/s for me, though I have been working hard to explain my understanding of it to him.

Then a post from a freedom to submit said it all. I realised he has never said the words to me, 'you belong to me', 'your mine' or something similar. It is that sense of being owned that is lacking in my life with him and ultimately, it is that sense of being owned by him that I want.

I agree that dominance is an internal construct and I would not dream of expecting my husband to do things that for him don't come naturally. However, I owe it to him to explain what I need and give him the time and the room to explore his own desires.

Like a lot of men I would argue, he has had a lifetime of suppressing his natural self, his dominant side. As his partner I have been complicit in demanding he stifle this side of himself. If his dominant self is 'allowed' the space to emerge with me then I am confident it will. In fact, it is emerging. I have just had more time to explore my submissive self than he has allowed his Dom to explore.

I agree with you that D/s sexual acts are somewhat hollow without the experience of control over the mind, but we have had a lot of years of not paying attention to this side of ourselves and now it is a lot like getting to know each other again. Our relationship went through a great upheaval last year and that has given us license to redefine it. So! here we are! Time and lots of communication is what we need. I am also aware that there may come a point when I will have to move outside my relationship if my husband can not give me what I need. For now, I hope not.



  1. I identify with you so much from the other side. My wife is finally beginning to explore hre submission. I told her how I was before we married ten years ago, but she said she didn't really understand what I meant. So I have been begging for her to try it with me for this whole time. Like you we had an upheaval last year, and we are now working on her accepting my Dominance. I don't know if she will be able to go far enough. And like you I hope I don't have to go outside to get what I need. If I do, that will be the end of our marriage, as she won't share me with anyone else.

  2. Welcome William and thank you for your visit and comment. I was hoping to pop an email to you but couldn't find an address so I will censor my comment a little here ;-). I find it a bit of a cruel joke that I have only now recognised these desires in me. Wouldn't it have been perfect to have found out earlier and had the opportunity to love someone on the same wave length!

    ps I have only just found your blog and I am enjoying it so much!


  3. L,

    Thank you for the link to my blog. I know what you mean about only just discovering. It has only been in the last 2 or 3 years that Aeon and I have come to know/accept who we are. I am enjoying your blog a great deal.


  4. I understand exactly what you mean by wanting that sense of being owned. I feel that as well, and my husband isn't comfortable with that wording. As I discovered ttwd, I read an awful lot about how it never works out to change from "just married" to D/s or M/s - that it is not real, or doomed to fail, or isn't even worth trying. Yet every time i really despair of it working out for us, my husband surprises me, not by doing something i think he should do, or that would be "the M/s thing to do", but by doing his thing. And it always feels better than what i had imagined i needed. In my case, his steadfast refusal to follow a script, his consistency in doing it his way have reassured me that he is more committed to this than would using the words I think i want to hear. I know I'm His.

    I apologize, I don't mean to be preachy. It has taken me a long time and some serious emotional ups and downs to get here. I hope you two can find your own way too.


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