Friday, December 31, 2010

Q&A 3: four little words

Provoked by a correspondent again, I thought more deeply than I had in a while about my relationship with my husband and my life online. I have not up until now, thought very deeply about this issue. About the frisson that exists between the two. My correspondent asked questions about the character of my relationship with my husband. My answers revealed to me that my relationship with my husband was slowly developing into a D/s experience, albeit a fledgling one. Exciting really! He is embracing the Dom in him and we have begun to enjoy our life together again. Realising this, I wondered why then I have continued to search online..though admittedly I am highly sexually charged nearly alllllll the time and he is not available alllll the time! Purely a cheap thrill aspect to my sexuality then? I wonder.

So..with some edit...

You are absolutely right, going backwards seems almost impossible.

I haven't explained myself well enough and your question has made me think quite deeply about what i am doing. In fact I feel quite challenged by your questions (in a good way).

When I say my physical needs are satisfied by my husband I mean just that..our sex is not in the least vanilla and has been moving closer and closer toward D/s over the last few months. This made me think about what you have said and about why I keep searching if these needs are being met by my partner. What is it about other men, dominant men, that excites me so much? My conclusion? I had mentioned earlier to you that my husband doesn't understand fully the mental aspect of D/s for me, though I have been working hard to explain my understanding of it to him.

Then a post from a freedom to submit said it all. I realised he has never said the words to me, 'you belong to me', 'your mine' or something similar. It is that sense of being owned that is lacking in my life with him and ultimately, it is that sense of being owned by him that I want.

I agree that dominance is an internal construct and I would not dream of expecting my husband to do things that for him don't come naturally. However, I owe it to him to explain what I need and give him the time and the room to explore his own desires.

Like a lot of men I would argue, he has had a lifetime of suppressing his natural self, his dominant side. As his partner I have been complicit in demanding he stifle this side of himself. If his dominant self is 'allowed' the space to emerge with me then I am confident it will. In fact, it is emerging. I have just had more time to explore my submissive self than he has allowed his Dom to explore.

I agree with you that D/s sexual acts are somewhat hollow without the experience of control over the mind, but we have had a lot of years of not paying attention to this side of ourselves and now it is a lot like getting to know each other again. Our relationship went through a great upheaval last year and that has given us license to redefine it. So! here we are! Time and lots of communication is what we need. I am also aware that there may come a point when I will have to move outside my relationship if my husband can not give me what I need. For now, I hope not.


Monday, December 27, 2010

Q&A 2: Doms in my life?

A discussion with a correspondent highlighted and clarified some further self reflection for me...the below is posted with permission


Your next set of online Doms? I have had many conversations with what seems like scores of men, but few become longer term ongoing connections. I could easily count on one hand the men who hold a place in my heart. There is one man who has been special and this contact is such a slowly developing one that it is difficult to describe. For the most part I find it is very difficult to find the right man online. To sort the chaff from the grain. I am cautious and this works well to sift out the men who are 'pretenders'. It also sifts out the men who have no patience to wait for me with my caution. So really there have been a very small handful of men who I have called 'Dom' in my life.

This journey for me has only been happening in the relatively recent past, the last 12 -18 months really, and I am very inexperienced. There have been men that I have spoken with, who I have taken learning from but only a very few who have suited me, made me feel that buzz, that thing that makes me want to curl into them and get lost in them.

I spoke with one man very early on. He took his time and was very patient in encouraging me to submit to him. I became quite attached to him but he disappeared quite suddenly and with out explanation. This is a danger of the online connections and as a result I have never actively looked for long term connection online, but if it has happened it is all the sweeter. Due also to my natural caution, I have been quite passive in pursuing further conversations or chats and ongoing online 'relationships'. I will happily stay in touch, but do not pursue men to fulfil the need in me. Having said that if the right man happens along and leads, I will follow.

I have discovered relatively recently that I prefer the Daddy / girl dynamic and I called one man Daddy. This was short lived. He was wonderful but fast with what he needed from me and though he said I was able to give it to him, and more, I never really felt I did. I felt anxious with him, like I was swept into a whirlwind, unsure of the flurry of activity he created around me with his demands. When I confessed to him that I was feeling love for my husband again, he let me go. This hurt a little, but I did not fight it, preferring the natural way of things to play out. Perhaps too I knew he was not right for me.

I have a connection with one man which has been developing over the last year and which is very hard to define. We 'lose' each other due to timezone differences, the vagaries of the Internet, our own lives, work and what I perceived as his disinterest in the beginning. We always come back together somehow and at the moment we have been in contact for a long period.

He is the man I am most connected to. He is the one I would do anything for if he asked it, demanded it (and have so far). He has engaged in D/s lifestyles, but we began in play without any particular emphasis on D/s, though we certainly stepped outside the bounds of conventional vanilla play. We have acknowledged that there is some strange and fundamental connection between us, we are alike. I may not talk with him for weeks in some instances but when he pops up again in some chat site, I know him instantly. In this instance, with this man, there is something unusual which connects us.

At a time when I was unaware of this world (ttwd), he hinted at things, but was really quite unconcerned about names and labels as he led me along this path. He led me further as he saw me investigate and discover these delicious treats for myself. He has only recently used the word 'Master' with me. He is not purely a 'Daddy' and he is not purely a stern task master. He has not required explicitly for me to be 'owned' by him. He has not yet demanded I called him Sir, Master or Daddy. He has not required that I submit to him and him alone. In all these things though I feel completely his. I am his and his alone, though I believe he does not expect this. I feel safe with him. I feel respected, cared for and I feel owned by him. When he did use the word 'Master' for the first time (very recently) in reference to himself over me, it was not a threatening word to me, as it has been up to now. It felt right and I realised I had already known this for sometime. However, he has always given me the freedom to seek out other men, in fact, he requires it and loves that self in me that 'keeps searching' he calls it.

There is one other, who found me through our creative pursuits. He saw in me what I hide from that world in which we both move. In fact, he read me like a book through some art I create and post online. This is an ill defined liaison also. Sometimes, and most recently he has surprised me with his expectations of me, though he knows about the man i have described above. My liaison with him is a most dangerous one. He knows me, though my life outside ttwd. I have always worked to keep these two worlds very separate and he brings them together, both exciting and intimidating.

Of course I feel I can only 'belong' to one man. The man who doesn't demand exclusive rites is the one I feel the nature of 'belonging' to most. I suspect that is because he lets me fly to discover and play, he knows I will always return to him. Others demand exclusivity and because of the nature of online pursuits and my obligations to my husband, I am not free to give myself to someone who demands this. Maybe this will change..I know myself well enough to know that if this ever became physical with either of these two men, I would be completely owned. My heart lives in my vagina, quietly but profoundly.

I have found the final part of your question the most challenging, what do they make me do? I find I am a little shy to describe these things, save to say their demands on me have been and are discrete, not public, as they consider my relationship status and respect and care for that. In that way these men have always looked after me and my family.

Finally, a training programme? This is where my inexperience has played a fundamental role. I don't know what a training programme looks like, but I have always chosen connections with mature (40 +) experienced Dom men. Men who understand my situation and who respect it. Men who have experience enough not to push in the beginning but to wait for me developing trust, gently encouraging me and pushing when necessary. Men who possess a keen intellect and who can challenge mine. That is exactly why the two men at the present moment have been around for the past 12 months or more and why others have fallen quite quickly by the wayside. They understand the need to build trust first and are not men who assume that because I am on a sub journey, I will lay down and roll over because wear their label 'Dom'. With both of these men however, the journey has been slow and I don't know the future directions to be taken.


Friday, December 24, 2010

Q&A: My husband and my Sir

I received an email asking me if I would mind answering a few questions about the path I am travelling. After replying that I didn't mind at all, my correspondent asked some daunting questions, which I have not posted here. My responses however, have helped me see the path more clearly than I had seen it previously..a bit of self reflection never goes astray, especially guided self reflection. I have posted my responses here, with the blessing of my correspondent, for my own benefit as I undertake A LOT of deleting of emails..never keeping anything in order to protect the shadows in which I live, and to lose this self reflection right now would be a great shame for me.  


Life is speeding along at the moment so I apologise for the delay.

Thank you for your questions. I completely understand how my journey and blog can be confusing and murky and I guess it is deliberately so. I have explained that I write it as a bit of a girls diary, a way to express what I need to get out from inside my head. I move very quietly in this new and shiny world I have discovered of TTWD, save for a quiet comment here and there on a post that particularly captures my imagination. No one knows it is there, only the people like yourself who discover it for one reason or another (usually via a comment I leave on a blog).

How I got to this point in my sexuality is quite a story, but to answer your questions. I think hub might be interested in D/s but has never really explored it in the way that some men, such as yourself maybe, take it on and make it very real. What I mean by that is that he has not (i don't think, but all men have secrets), discovered the continuum of D/s from what I see as that light end as expressed by the Daddy / girl dynamic, through to the darker end of the spectrum and the Master / slave dynamic. The deeper black of the Master /slave dynamic is the end of the spectrum that I suspect he knows as this is the most well known in the 'vanilla' world.

Slowly I have tried to explain what I need and desire, as I have discovered it myself. He has responded to that and has enjoyed it, but he sees it as purely sexual play. Truly, I am asking him to change the dynamic of our whole relationship. He has rarely taken the lead in our life together and I guess this is what I need him to do, but this means changing me too, changing the self of me that has always been the capable one, fixing everything and making the waters smooth to navigate.

So, to answer one part of your question, I have not gone outside my marriage to find a Master in reality, physicality. I have not, in honesty, been brave enough to break my agreement of fidelity in that way to my husband, though I have no religious affiliation or beliefs that would prevent that. I have tried connecting with men online only. I have discovered men and their wonderful sexuality only online. I have made a couple of connections online over time but have, for the most part, kept them all overseas, not really trusting myself to leave it online due to the incredible ache uncovered in my own sexuality. Even online this has been at times a great source of guilt as far as being dishonest with my husband.

I think my husband is moving more and more toward the Dom in him the more he realises I have given him 'permission' to do so. Slowly we talk about it  and then I notice he acts on what I have said, he pushes a little further.  The one thing however, I do need from him that he doesn't seem to understand or really get is what I call the 'mind fuck'. That aspect of D/s that plays with my mind and my psychology. The aspect of it that makes me feel small, little, precious, whore-like, used and dominated emotionally as well as physically, but totally cared for and safe..coming to no harm. This is what I get from a connection online. I receive the physicality of sex from my husband in spades, but the mind fuck, the 'tasks', are derived from an online connection.

In answer to your question, do I find it distasteful to have hub use, exploit and objectify me? Not at all. In fact I love gets just that little closer to the 'mind fuck' aspect I talked about. I have led my husband to your blog in an attempt to explain what I need. It is your writing among most and perhaps A Dominant Character, which explain most clearly how I need him to be with me. It is a slow journey and the ache in me is a need that requires satisfaction while I wait for him.

I hope this has answered your questions a little..feel free to ask more questions if you have them. I appreciated you expressing the fact that you have no agenda, sometimes it is difficult to know.


Monday, December 20, 2010

my task


I waited until later that night to do what you 'asked', what you expected.

I crawled into bed next to my sleeping husband. My hand slid down over my stomach, tugging slightly on the piercing in my belly button, over my smooth mound and quite nicely onto my little pleasure button moist with the anticipation of cumming in the dark, silently, for you, not for me, not for him.

Round and round, I wished I could have used my little purple buzzy beast, but the noise and activity was sure to wake him and frankly, I was a little tired, so too much leaping about was something that I wanted to avoid.

I became breathless and very aroused quite quickly, my mind drifting to "Seattle" and white hot thoughts of a man, a fantasy I had been playing with for some time now. In an instant you were there with me, standing over me in the dark, watching my slippery cunt, my fingers working for you. I imagined the silence you stood in, smiling slightly, hard as steel, sniffing the air and the drift of my scent to your nostrils, knowing that I was doing what you wanted, what you demanded, while I lay next to my husband, the man I fuck every day.

My toes began to curl, my legs grew taut as every muscle in them clenched bringing me closer to the edge. So very wet as I imagined you there, heard your voice in my head.

Your smooth voice, deep, strong and so bloody sexy. Filled with confidence in every word you say, not sleazy, just sure of every word you utter. That's half the attraction I think, your voice that can take me to those pretty places, with such confidence, like a play rehearsed a million times. You never stumble over those words. You always know what's coming next. You never appear to feel uncomfortable uttering things that belong better to a porn movie than to my everyday life. You are always present, in that moment, as if you exist for that, to be uttering those words across the distance to me, where I exist only to respond to them. It's all very sexy, potent.

As my head played all these thoughts, something unintentional happened. My husband stirred, rolled toward me and found me pleasuring myself for you, though I believe he didn't see you standing over me and he certainly didn't see your hand resting on my belly, palm pressing on my mound, nor your long fingers splayed down to my clit.

His hand moved to my round ample breasts, flicking at my hard nipples. I felt a little disgruntled at first. Pushing him away didn't seem an option as clearly, I was close to coming. I was looking forward to coming. A silent coming somehow builds more energy for my pussy. Energy unable to escape from my mouth is diverted to my pussy, making my orgasm electric. Then afterwards, slight nausea as I try to catch my breath in quiet, controlled, dizzy, chest heaving, bottom tingling. But now with him stirring it was unlikely I was going to be able to get to complete my task and sleep quickly.

His hand moved to squeeze my throat. He pushed his face into my cheeky, his hot breath on my ear. I felt his hard, hot, cock on my thigh. I knew I was going to be fucked. I closed my eyes, I kept you there, your hand round my throat, your hot breath in my ear, your voice telling me to come, your hand sliding around my clit, so close to coming.

A gush and a hurry, his hand squeezing tighter round my throat, (something I love, the shame of admitting that makes my cunt tingle even now - all those things that nice girls are expected to deny exist in themselves), I came, his hand moving over my mouth, 'shhhh' growled in my ear.

Hardly having time to finish my orgasm, your orgasm, to its conclusion, he flipped me onto my stomach, pushed my head into the mattress, thrust my legs apart with his knee and pushed himself inside so forcefully, I let out a cry muffled by the mattress. FUCK!, that was a surprise! His hands on my head holding me down, his forearms pinning me under his full weight on my back. Pulling slowly out and then in again, gaining strength speed and depth. My agitation at him interrupting my 'task' was dissipating, especially as he had chosen the method I most liked (mind you he rarely chooses any other these days; the genie is out of the bottle).

It became quite clear that at that moment I was lost in his need, I was being used, I was there to serve his desire. Objectification...oh my my. I was still breathless, still dizzy, and being fucked in the most deliciously unexpected way. I smiled into the mattress and wondered at your approval, then, the most primal cry came from him and he collapsed into me...pulling my hair away from my neck, soft lips kissing it gently, he rolled off me, cum spilled from my pussy...gathering me in his thoughts drifting to you..hmm I don't think this is quite what you expected from me... sleep.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

i want Daddy back

I want Daddy back.
I want my cake and eat it.
Petulant, pouty, I want Daddy back.
I stamp my foot, shake my head, frown..cross my arms, I want him back!

I want him to take me again, push me again, punish me again.
I want the chaos again!
I want the thrill again, the wet panties and the anticipation of Daddy coming to make me his.

He says "in a heartbeat".
It's up to me.
So why don't I say it?
A coward? Maybe that's me.

Monday, December 6, 2010

finding me in him

How strange I think to myself.
I think i am falling in love again.
I long to see him at the end of the day,
I grieve to see him walk out the door.

The forgiveness is real,
the resentment and hurt is abating.
I love his touch,
I am patient with him,
The irritation with his breath is gone.
The wound is healing,
I am not afraid any longer.
I feel safe in his hands,
I have given myself back to him.

I think I am falling in love with my husband again.
The realisation of this makes me cry.
Like a switch is flicked and I see us again.
The confusion of the last 18 months is receding and clarity is returning.
It feels like I have I made it back to him.
My journey, almost over. 
I drifted away from him, pushed myself away, afraid of the hurt, afraid to live the pain again.
He waited. 
I never thought I'd come back, but here I am, loving him again.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

A letter to Daddy

Last night I did as you asked.

I washed and prepared myself in the bathroom. I performed my ritual with creams and oils and put on the bra and panties you gave me permission to buy. This seemed like the right thing to do. He liked the new set very much and as a celebration purchase of my submission to you, it seemed like poetry to me. As I prepared myself my thoughts were with you, of you. Thinking not about him, but about you. I wondered at your intention, why you instructed me to approach my husband like this?

I walked to the lounge room where he was sitting on the computer. The flogger in my right hand hung at my side i could feel lightly brushing against my leg. I walked to him, his eyes all over me and then he saw the flogger. I knelt, handed it to him with both hands and arms out stretched. He took it from me the corners of his mouth turned up. I was excited, nervous, wet, this was a relatively new path. I lay my head on his lap as he pushed the computer away.

"my body is yours to use."

He pulled me up to my knees and held my face between his hands. He spoke quietly, almost inaudibly, "will you submit to me, will you do anything I want with you, without question, without resistance." I was surprised at this, was he playing? He's not he?! I nodded in response.

I was thinking of you, thinking that I was doing this for you. I was getting a little confused at the same time. Confused at how easily you could be there with me, about to fuck my husband.

He pulled me up and lay me across his lap on my stomach. His hand circling my bottom, then...a sharp but quite gentle *smack*. It felt very good, tingling between my thighs, almost sensual. I was a little embarrassed by the fact that the lights were on and the windows wide open. We have a lot of windows in the lounge room and all very visible from the road outside. The strikes got harder interspersed with the sweet feeling of his light feathery touch circling on my bottom. mmmm, delicious. As his slaps got harder they eventually made me squeal. It hurt and I struggled to get away, to make it stop.

He pushed me back to my knees and pushed my mouth onto his cock, hard and oozing. Again the lights! the street! He held my hair and pushed me onto his cock so deeply I gagged. I think he likes to make me gag. He pulled me off, a quick breath, then forced me back down. I love cock, love the feeling of it in my mouth and deep in my throat, love the heat and I love the way a man melts under the power of a wet, hot eager mouth, a willing throat. He undid my bra and slipped it off. He found my hard nipple, pinched and twisted. He told me to rub my cunt on his leg "like a dog". The pleasure of this feeling on my clit was equally balanced by the humiliation of humping his leg like a dog.

He was getting more forceful, more excited. He pulled me back by my hair, this always hurts and I was beginning to feel a little wounded,  but nothing to how I would feel later. His other hand went to my throat and releasing my hair he looked me straight in the eyes and slapped my face. The shock in me was undeniable, my eyes were wide, he smiled a little then *slap*, I felt it in my bones, his large heavy hand on my face. Again and again. I winced every time his hand landed on my cheek, I felt my eyes begin to well up.

Picking up the flogger he wrapped it around my neck and pulled me to my feet. He didn't talk to me other than to issue the occasional instruction, "stand up" etc.

He pulled me by my neck to the hallway and then seemed to change his mind, "get on your hands and knees, crawl to the bedroom". The flogger still around my neck, he led me/pulled me to the bedroom. I waited on my hands and knees, I cast my gaze down and saw my breasts hanging. I was immediately caught by a sense of humiliation like I had never felt before and I didn't like! Tears welled in my eyes again and at about the same time I felt the flogger come down hard on my arse. Catching me off guard, I squealed.

He continued to flog my arse for a time, then stood in front of me, pulling me to my knees and onto his cock by my hair. He continued to flog my arse as I sucked him. Every time the flogger came down on my arse I winced and stopped sucking and I discovered that made it come down even faster and harder. Finally, he grabbed my hair and pushing my head down, instructed "lay down". I lay on the floor face down. He seemed to be in possession of an added energy. Everything was speeding up. I was beginning to feel fear, anxiety, and I was certainly feeling humiliated and a little unloved. I reminded myself why I was doing this. I wasn't doing it for him, because he had said the words "submit to me". I was doing it for you, for Daddy.

Now, as I write this, that makes me feel more comforted...last night, it did not, I was a little fearful of him, of his inexperience, but only a little. I felt confident I could make it stop if I really needed to. I hoped I could.

Laying face down I was aware that there were tears on my face, that I was crying...I didn't like this anymore, but I was willing to lay there, to wait while he moved around the room doing something, gathering something..."come here".

He sat on the edge of the bed, vibrator in his hand, I crawled to him, knelt between his legs. He pulled me to him and I began to lick his balls, suck them into my mouth one, two. I found his arsehole and licked (this is not my favourite things but I knew he liked it, I knew he liked me to play with his arse..). He handed me the vibrator, "push it in my arse". I did. "suck my cock"...I did..."you dirty little slut"..I sucked him until he came in my throat. My face was covered in his was in my hair, oozing out the corners of my mouth.

He flipped me around and began to finger fuck me, he had fingers and thumbs in each of my holes and one on my clit..he fucked me slowly and then hard, he brought me to the edge. His cum on my face and in my hair. He pushed another vibrator into my pussy, your pussy Daddy, wet and dripping and needing to cum, needing reward for my use. He twisted it round and pushed it against my rim...almost instantly I came and came hard. I thought I'd come hard and loudly in the past, but this was another ball game. Wave after wave, I think you must have heard me scream from there Daddy.

He picked me up afterwards and held me until I fell asleep covered in his cum, in my wetness.

I didn't know who this man was until then, until he held me. I didn't know him like this!..He has hit me before with the flogger, he has fucked me hard before, but until last night, I don't think he's ever really used me. I felt disregarded, little, objectified. I felt like shit. and I don't think I liked it...not from him.

I will have my white panties, the ones I bought without your approval clean and ready as you wished. Thank you for your email..I woke this morning aware I didn't have any instruction for today. So I logged on. I am getting a feeling that you won't forget me.

I am your girl x