Just some thoughts to start my day. I have said in the past that this blog is a way for me to live in secret. Cloistered thoughts given a place to be. So if you do come by and read, thank you and I appreciate any comments or emails.
I make no apology for the personal and self indulgent nature of the words. For me this place is like the diary I used to write as a little girl. It is not clever nor thought provoking, as many of the blogs are here. But if you want to read you are welcome. I guess that's part of it for me..making it public without being known, like telling a friend my thoughts, my secrets that I cannot tell anyone in my real sphere, so i tell you.
My yearning for this lifestyle has become acute, painful. An itch that is often not scratched, not nearly as much as I need. I am a needy bitch, so needy it hurts. An independent and assertive woman all my life, outwardly in charge, work, family, wife (well partnership) but its a marriage nonetheless. Then there is that other me, my other self, my other she. The she that hopes that man, that Dominant hand will move into my sphere (told you I was needy).
I was reading A Discerning Dom today. His latest post describes the anguish and longing, the craving for his girl in a far off distant country. I identified with this so much, as I do nearly all his posts, just like I was living them..uncannily so, really. I have only had smatterings of contact with the D/s relationship online and being in a far off country, timezones have been an issue that for one reason or another have played a part in the failure of any real connection. I applaud the DD and his girl for somehow making that work and in truth, I envy it.
In finding a man online who suits me, who makes me crawl to him with delight, I have learned that the Internet is like real life really. There are men who are wonderful, but equally there are men who are not. I had a most recent experience with the latter which left me feeling rattled, ashamed and violated (and not in a good way). The sordid detail I cannot even deal with here, but his effect on me was profound, so much so that I shrank back, small and closed. I found myself, after this encounter, seeking out trusted men that I know to be good. I found myself cocooning in familiarity, but with men unavailable to me. I have never felt more alone in my life, needing to confide in someone, to make this hurt go away, to feel safe and protected. That man is not there though.
The episode illustrated for me that a Dom man is going to be essential in my life, I can ignore that no longer. Funnily enough, the one man I have regular contact with, I would give everything to. I have only just realised that this is the one man I measure every other by, every facet of him I look for in others however, there exists no formal arrangement between us and we may go for weeks without contact. The tyranny of our distance makes me ache, the need for him is strong in me and I find myself thinking about him quietly whenever I am alone in my head, almost in meditation. I would like to have an explicit understanding between us, but I don't think this will ever happen, for one reason or another.