Sunday, May 23, 2010

musings on my direction

The more I read about D/s relationships the more confusing it is for me. I wonder at how I got here, never before online, never having followed my desire. All the reading causes me anxiety, I doubt myself and whether I can follow the path ahead of me.

So I think about what led me here, the answer...my husband. Certainly for years I lived in fantasy, but other than playing the fantasies of being controlled in some way in my mind, I didn't pay too much attention too them. I didn't think I had a burning desire to have those fantasies fulfilled. I was aware though, that I had a heightened sense of enjoyment with some little things. I would get more excited when my husband held me by my wrists during sex. I felt wet, hot and excited when he bent me over and took control, when I relinquished control to him. So I have always been aware of the desire in me but never thought to follow it, to let it blossom until relatively recently.

Last year I discovered my husband had been unfaithful to me with several women. This had not been part of our initial agreement, instead favouring the traditional approach to relationships, that of monogamy and fidelity. Perhaps pie in the sky, but not something that has been untested over the centuries..or so we are led to believe. His infidelity was the result of a very difficult time in our lives where unexpected challenges had distanced us. We weren't having sex and I was trying everything I could to avoid it. Treatment for cancer had left me physically limited. It became uncomfortable and painful to have sex and as I became more and more reticent, I became less able. Radiotherapy had done its worst and I was taking care of the rest. So my husband went elsewhere.

The emotional pain of this revelation cut me to my core and left me shattered. I was in pieces, but it was the rebuilding of my woman that has led me here, to the point where I have a better than ever sex life with my husband exploring all the hidden desires in me and a few that had lain undiscovered in him. I have also connected and communicated with several men online, each of whom bring different things to me, things which I discovered I can't do without and in fact don't want to do without. Each of these men are as dear and important to me equally and though I think it quite strange that I can feel this way about people I have not met or shared any real day to day experience with, there it is. Though I would never admit it to my husband, I'm not ready to be able to let him know he has done me a favour, he has pushed me into the light and woken in me something that has always been there but that I was unable to recognise and follow.

I started chatting, explicitly sexual chat, where I explored all facets of me, of my desire and the desires inside male sexuality. I discovered that I love and adore men and their sexuality. Years of feminist rhetoric have taken their toll on me. I grew in an era where women asserted themselves, they ran the gauntlet of male domination in the workplace and at home and terms such as 'breaking the glass ceiling' while Germain Greer shouted about 'the female eunuch' and told us we could have it all! Well 'ladies'..we can't have it all..not all at the same time! I am not saying feminism didn't and doesn't have its place in our world, but I think some women took it to extremes of black and white, thinking the only way to assert our feminist selves was to emasculate men. This was a powerful narrative for girls like myself growing in the late seventies and emerging as young strong women into the mid-1980's. Maybe I am just too dim to have seen the light, pardon the pun, but I am gobsmacked that it has taken me most of my 45 yrs to run screaming into the light and engage with the hidden joys of maleness, of male sexuality and how much I love it with every fibre of my womanly being. With this discovery begs the question of forgiveness of my husbands decision to move toward infidelity..but that's another discussion and I am very happy to put it aside for now!

During this year of discovery and of a very painful road with my husband, a road that remains in doubt about its direction, certainly on the path it took before, I have been made aware of a desire in me to give myself over to another's control. I don't know where this will lead or where it will end. I doubt my resolve, more often than not, to be able to follow this through to its conclusion, complete devotional submission. I am troubled and anxious with the language. I am at the very early stages of a path that leads to words like ownership, service and submit. These are words that make me pick up sticks and run, hard and fast. The dichotomy is that these words also excite me, my breath becomes shallow and my pulse races when I think about them, read about them and talk about them. I am aware however i will never be here again, at this threshhold of newness, innocence and excitment. I move quietly among the blog writings and musings in admiration and awe. I yearn to have the same. Relationships that appear to bring such contentment to the writer. I want all this and I want my husband too, but like I said he doesn't know about this page and in that there is a sense of freedom of expression here. It is not intended that my husband be included as a central theme here in the future of this journal, but today, simply by way of explanation of my journey to the beginning of my yellow brick road, he is present.

It would almost be better if i didn't read the blogs in here, particularly around D/s and submission, it is almost like putting the cart before the horse...and the future is a big and scary place, filled with the unknown. I am usually very brave in navigating the future..but in this I am a little girl, wanting to move forward but feeling the need for constant reassurance and encouragement to put one step in front of the other! I have begun conversations with one man in particular who is patient with my anxiety, an anxiety borne of a fear of the unknown. He takes my hand and leads me through with kindness, patience and firmness. When I am fearful he wraps me in reassurance and waits. I know he will be rewarded for this, I think he is the One.

1 comment:

  1. Wow, you are a beautiful writer! I wish you the best of luck in all of your submissive endeavors and can certainly sympathize with your anxieties; hopefully the one you found can guide you safely through everything you wish to experience!
    xoxo,
    Cosette

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