I know this is a public space and I am content for what I write to be read by anyone who wishes to read it. Anyone except my husband. For a long time now i have craved a space to write my thoughts and my experiences where they will not be discovered by him.
So to begin, this is a space for me by me. I don't see it will be of interest to anyone else. But I wish to document for me the journey I am currently undertaking. The unfolding of me after years in the wilderness of blandness that is the life that inevitably follows in the wake of everydayness.
My wild woman is running with wolves. She is discovering the utter joy of relinquishing control and handing it to a man, or men she desires. I am discovering the woman in me that wants and needs to be guided and led, at least sexually and at most, in my activities of everyday life. This is not without struggle for me and I have only just wet my toe, dipped it in the water...turning and running so many times..too many to count. There is one man though who is patient and lets me turn to run but knows that by waiting I will come back, moth to a flame.
I keep everything in my head, living it in my head, afraid I will say the wrong word in front of my husband, scared he will smell the desire on me. So this space has been created for me, to hide in and to live out my desire in words. Write down my secret thoughts. I don't see that the men who have come into my life, whether they are in my bed (my husband) or online (the man who wishes to own me), will ever read this, nor will ever know that it exists. I feel a huge sense of relief that i have found this space to write it down, to make my discovery explicit rather than just intimating at it in other online forums. I can finally tell the truth, shout it out, get it out of my head, let it breathe.
This is my journey into my sexuality, my desires and my play with submission...this is me.