Saturday, May 29, 2010

fucked

My sexuality has found expression over recent months, but much of the discourse in hidden and secret in my thoughts. My husband, my partner has found my new sexual expression a challenge. He has walked with me toward what I want and what I need but has been confused at times by it and my inability and reticence to convey my needs hasn't helped. Its getting better, that's for sure, he has begun to lead what was once confusing for him. This has suited me very well. He is beginning to surprise me with things I didn't know he had in him, and he is delighting in the deliciousness of his control and domination over me. I am lucky, I couldn't stand for all this to be online, and so far I have not been able to follow my heart and step outside my relationship to make it real.

So this is a story that I need to capture. A story that I don't want to lose because for me it was so hot I thought my head might explode with the same ecstasy that my body did. One Sunday afternoon quite recently, I was laying on my bed, perched on my elbows doing some long overdue fancy on the computer. I love lazy Sunday afternoons when I can take a piece of time out from being a mummy and partner and be alone, entertaining myself with my own thoughts. The sun streamed through the window making the room comfortably warm and inviting, the sun lay across the back of my legs. My partner walked into the room and closed the door. I didn't take very much notice though I was aware that my breath became slightly shallow and my pulse, if I think about it, became a little more rapid. Still i kept on with what I was doing...

He walked around the other side of the bed to my feet and I felt him crawl over me on the bed his hand sliding to the nape of my neck, his fingers spread over my neck and he squeezed firmly and constantly, the tips of his fingers reaching my throat. His hot breath wound over the side of my neck making it more difficult to continue with my work...he lowered himself on top of me pressing my head into the bed. I felt his swelling cock on my arse through my jeans, I couldn't resist pushing back into his hardness, begging him in silence to keep going, to take what he wanted, what was his. His mouth was near my ear, his hot breath whispered in a low growl that resonated with me, making me hotter for him, 'don't move!'. I waited, not moving while he raised up, standing once more. I could feel the heat between my thighs, the wetness starting to overcome my swelling pussy.


I heard the hard cold metal jangle of his belt buckle and the zip of his jeans as he took them down. I heard the swish of cotton on skin as he slid his T shirt over his head. His hand found my belt and with a hard yank he pulled me back to him, sliding back so violently on the bed that my breath flew out of my body and the computer flew to the floor. He thrust his hands round the front of my jeans, ripping at my belt buckle, my zip and in one sure movement he had removed everything leaving me naked from the waist down. Bent over for him, I thought I knew what was coming and the excitement of it made me gush with heat and wetness between my thighs. My body tingled with the anticipation of being taken by him and fucked.


He picked me up and flipped me over as his voice commanded in a low almost inaudible tone 'Get on your back'. I did..'Take of your top'.. I did. My head lay over the side over the bed, he remained standing, his cock slapping my cheek as he slid his hand over my throat to my breast, slapping my left breast, my pink nipples hard and erect with excitement. His left hand slapped and teased my breasts alternately squeezing and pinching my nipples and heightening my excitement. His right hand held his cock guiding it into my eager mouth.

I have loved cock for a very long time, but more than cock alone, I love cock in my mouth, forced into my throat, deep. I have an oral preference..my mouth tongue and teeth seek out a lovers body, explore it. Never a happier place to be than between a mans thighs with tongue and teeth exploring his inside thigh, sinking my teeth in, just to bite and have him inside my mouth. Never happier is the place where i find myself with one, two balls in my mouth, sucking and tonguing them for my pleasure. Never happier is my heart when I am laid out for my throat to be fucked deeply like I was on this sunny Sunday afternoon.

He leaned forward one hand twisting my nipple and his other hand sliding down my belly, over my trimmed mound to my aching wet pink lips.
'Open your legs...WIDER!'. He didn't really need to instruct me here but I like it when he does, I want it and need it, so I waited for the instruction. Besides I was losing my head in my throat fucking and possibly I needed the instruction more than I knew. As he leaned further forward, his hand slid into my wetness exploring it with his fingers, one, two...sliding in and out then hooking his fingers upward to that spot that drives me wild and heightens my sense of loss of control. His cock thrust deeper into my throat I was beginning to feel fucked, losing my breath and my mind in the dizziness of pure joy. Then sliding his fingers out of my aching cunt he leaned down, his tongue moving into my dripping pink engorged little beast. This of course made his cock slide ever deeper into my throat. Panic overwhelmed me ..I couldn't breath, couldn't think. I began to struggle, to gag, push against him, but he wouldn't be moved. I was becoming so dizzy with the heat in his tongue falling over my tight puckered arse and then into my deep wetness, by now I felt I was going to pass out, unable to breath, panic welling inside me. I felt myself give in, relax my throat, struggle left me, ecstasy returning. I was in heaven, all my senses were muted by the pleasure he was giving and having...then without warning, he ripped his cock away, his mouth came away from my hot pink pussy and he found my mouth, still gagging and sucking in great gulps of air. I tasted myself on his tongue.


He stood at my head and flipped me over in one movement taking my hair in his hand in a ponytail and began to drag me across the bed, 'Get up, get up, get up..', low and growling and with the slightest amount of urgency only apparent by the speed of his words. His tone was unchanged. He pulled me up by my hair. I love to be brought to heel by my hair. To be twisted and turned at his whim by my blonde loosely curled locks. One man has called it a mop that he would like to see bobbing up and down between his thighs, which of course is my idea of pretty close to heaven!


He dragged me off the bed, across the room to the walk-in robe, pulling me into its darkness and closing the door behind us. He turned me around to face the door and threw my hands above my head. I had little idea of what was in his head. He had not done this before and that was exciting, I wanted to cum then and there, to be brought to orgasm by this one exciting act, but held back aching for him to take me to that place. He was tying my wrists to the door. Either side, spread eagled.I ached to cum, his body against mine his hand round my throat his other hand in my wetness by now dripping down my thigh.


'Open your legs..' his hand pushed my head into the door and told me not to move, he pulled my hips back to him and thrust his hard, hot, throbbing cock into my aching cunt. Such pleasure as he began to fuck me from behind. I lifted my head from the door, arching my back, but his hand pushed it back. I lifted my head again in pleasure, not thinking or remembering my instruction, and again he pushed it back, but this time with such force that it banged on the back of the door..'I told you not to move!'.. I was in ecstasy, waves of pleasure were caressing my body as he fucked me from behind and fucked me harder, faster.


I can't remember the last time he fucked me when he hasn't been behind me. This suits me just wonderfully. I lost my virginity bent over for an older man and I have never looked back (so to speak). I guess there has always been in me a submissive woman wanting, needing to find expression.


He was fucking me hard, grunting like an animal. Raw sexuality being released and I could feel the tension building in me..wanting to cum..waiting to cum. His hand on the back of my neck pushing me forward into the door so hard I thought I would go through it. His fingers clutching my throat and squeezing so firmly I almost lost my breath again. As they squeezed harder I got dizzier, unable to breath properly, I felt my self cumming, wanting to let go, needing him to tell me to let go.

'Do you want to come, baby?' he grunted.

I couldn't answer and he repeated the question with some irritation. I nodded, gasping with a little air I had, 'yes!'


'Yes..what?' as he thrust harder into me..and released his hand slightly so air could rush into my lungs.


'yes, please, I want to come.' gasping for the air.


'Cum NOW!'


I let go with all that had built..such huge waves of spasm and delicious ecstasy..he pumped and rammed harder and deeper into me shooting hot jets of sticky thick cum into my cunt, coating me with it, dripping down my thighs. I let go a scream, deep and primal..grateful to him for bringing me here, loving him for allowing me to cum when he did, taking pleasure from his cry of ecstasy..sweating, hot, dizzy, tears rolling down my cheek completely over whelmed and in love.


He collapsed into my body. My cum and his dripping out of me onto the floor. He released my wrists and I collapsed onto the floor with our cum. He picked me up and took me to the bed..holding me while i cried, caressing me..


'good girl' he said, kissing my forehead..and that was all I needed.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

musings on my direction

The more I read about D/s relationships the more confusing it is for me. I wonder at how I got here, never before online, never having followed my desire. All the reading causes me anxiety, I doubt myself and whether I can follow the path ahead of me.

So I think about what led me here, the answer...my husband. Certainly for years I lived in fantasy, but other than playing the fantasies of being controlled in some way in my mind, I didn't pay too much attention too them. I didn't think I had a burning desire to have those fantasies fulfilled. I was aware though, that I had a heightened sense of enjoyment with some little things. I would get more excited when my husband held me by my wrists during sex. I felt wet, hot and excited when he bent me over and took control, when I relinquished control to him. So I have always been aware of the desire in me but never thought to follow it, to let it blossom until relatively recently.

Last year I discovered my husband had been unfaithful to me with several women. This had not been part of our initial agreement, instead favouring the traditional approach to relationships, that of monogamy and fidelity. Perhaps pie in the sky, but not something that has been untested over the centuries..or so we are led to believe. His infidelity was the result of a very difficult time in our lives where unexpected challenges had distanced us. We weren't having sex and I was trying everything I could to avoid it. Treatment for cancer had left me physically limited. It became uncomfortable and painful to have sex and as I became more and more reticent, I became less able. Radiotherapy had done its worst and I was taking care of the rest. So my husband went elsewhere.

The emotional pain of this revelation cut me to my core and left me shattered. I was in pieces, but it was the rebuilding of my woman that has led me here, to the point where I have a better than ever sex life with my husband exploring all the hidden desires in me and a few that had lain undiscovered in him. I have also connected and communicated with several men online, each of whom bring different things to me, things which I discovered I can't do without and in fact don't want to do without. Each of these men are as dear and important to me equally and though I think it quite strange that I can feel this way about people I have not met or shared any real day to day experience with, there it is. Though I would never admit it to my husband, I'm not ready to be able to let him know he has done me a favour, he has pushed me into the light and woken in me something that has always been there but that I was unable to recognise and follow.

I started chatting, explicitly sexual chat, where I explored all facets of me, of my desire and the desires inside male sexuality. I discovered that I love and adore men and their sexuality. Years of feminist rhetoric have taken their toll on me. I grew in an era where women asserted themselves, they ran the gauntlet of male domination in the workplace and at home and terms such as 'breaking the glass ceiling' while Germain Greer shouted about 'the female eunuch' and told us we could have it all! Well 'ladies'..we can't have it all..not all at the same time! I am not saying feminism didn't and doesn't have its place in our world, but I think some women took it to extremes of black and white, thinking the only way to assert our feminist selves was to emasculate men. This was a powerful narrative for girls like myself growing in the late seventies and emerging as young strong women into the mid-1980's. Maybe I am just too dim to have seen the light, pardon the pun, but I am gobsmacked that it has taken me most of my 45 yrs to run screaming into the light and engage with the hidden joys of maleness, of male sexuality and how much I love it with every fibre of my womanly being. With this discovery begs the question of forgiveness of my husbands decision to move toward infidelity..but that's another discussion and I am very happy to put it aside for now!

During this year of discovery and of a very painful road with my husband, a road that remains in doubt about its direction, certainly on the path it took before, I have been made aware of a desire in me to give myself over to another's control. I don't know where this will lead or where it will end. I doubt my resolve, more often than not, to be able to follow this through to its conclusion, complete devotional submission. I am troubled and anxious with the language. I am at the very early stages of a path that leads to words like ownership, service and submit. These are words that make me pick up sticks and run, hard and fast. The dichotomy is that these words also excite me, my breath becomes shallow and my pulse races when I think about them, read about them and talk about them. I am aware however i will never be here again, at this threshhold of newness, innocence and excitment. I move quietly among the blog writings and musings in admiration and awe. I yearn to have the same. Relationships that appear to bring such contentment to the writer. I want all this and I want my husband too, but like I said he doesn't know about this page and in that there is a sense of freedom of expression here. It is not intended that my husband be included as a central theme here in the future of this journal, but today, simply by way of explanation of my journey to the beginning of my yellow brick road, he is present.

It would almost be better if i didn't read the blogs in here, particularly around D/s and submission, it is almost like putting the cart before the horse...and the future is a big and scary place, filled with the unknown. I am usually very brave in navigating the future..but in this I am a little girl, wanting to move forward but feeling the need for constant reassurance and encouragement to put one step in front of the other! I have begun conversations with one man in particular who is patient with my anxiety, an anxiety borne of a fear of the unknown. He takes my hand and leads me through with kindness, patience and firmness. When I am fearful he wraps me in reassurance and waits. I know he will be rewarded for this, I think he is the One.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

..to begin..just for me

I know this is a public space and I am content for what I write to be read by anyone who wishes to read it. Anyone except my husband. For a long time now i have craved a space to write my thoughts and my experiences where they will not be discovered by him.

So to begin, this is a space for me by me. I don't see it will be of interest to anyone else. But I wish to document for me the journey I am currently undertaking. The unfolding of me after years in the wilderness of blandness that is the life that inevitably follows in the wake of everydayness.

My wild woman is running with wolves. She is discovering the utter joy of relinquishing control and handing it to a man, or men she desires. I am discovering the woman in me that wants and needs to be guided and led, at least sexually and at most, in my activities of everyday life. This is not without struggle for me and I have only just wet my toe, dipped it in the water...turning and running so many times..too many to count. There is one man though who is patient and lets me turn to run but knows that by waiting I will come back, moth to a flame.

I keep everything in my head, living it in my head, afraid I will say the wrong word in front of my husband, scared he will smell the desire on me. So this space has been created for me, to hide in and to live out my desire in words. Write down my secret thoughts. I don't see that the men who have come into my life, whether they are in my bed (my husband) or online (the man who wishes to own me), will ever read this, nor will ever know that it exists. I feel a huge sense of relief that i have found this space to write it down, to make my discovery explicit rather than just intimating at it in other online forums. I can finally tell the truth, shout it out, get it out of my head, let it breathe.

This is my journey into my sexuality, my desires and my play with submission...this is me.